many bf issues, vent
Just found this site, a lot of good info here.
I'm seeking some advise on how to deal with the situation I'm in right now.
I am married to an amazing mother of 2 special needs kids. They are 4 and 5.
My ss (5) has full spectrum austism and my sd is on the spectrum but yet to be diagnosed. These kids require constant supervision.
There dad has them every weekend. We used to drive a 2-3 hour round trip in traffic every friday to take them to him.
Now at my suggestion to my dw he picks them up on fridays and brings them back on sundays. I also got her to get him to bump the cs up to $300 a month.
Keep in mind our expenses for the kids are approx $1500 on top of that my wife takes 6-8 hours off work so my ss can have in home behaivoural therapy.
The bf works on sundays when he has the kids and has his 14 yr old son who has autism/aspergers (hes yet to be tested) babysit the kids while he's at work. The kids are becoming violent (he plays violent video games) scared of the bath (he dropped my sd in the bath when she didnt want to go in) and now scared of the dark, among many other issues.
When the bf drops them home on sunday they are always cold, smell and for the last month brings us the kids lunches from school that have been sitting in there bag in the car all weekend.
There has been many other incidents on top of this.
How do I deal with it? my dw wont call him out all the time on them coming home cold, scared of the bath etc etc because it causes fights between her and the bf.
I feel he is a totally incapable father and he is taking advantage of my dw and I. I dont want to take full custody of the kids, they should see there dad. Also if we had full custody my dw and I would never get time alone. Neither of us has family close.
What can I do? This situation causes constant tension between my dw and I.
Well, since his child support
Well, since his child support went up, and he has to work, my guess is he will just end up not getting the kids for his whole weekend, if any at all. Then your wife (and you) won't get any kind of break. Honestly? The fact that the man is now driving both ways, paying more child support, and it seems like nothing he does can ever make YOU happy, and is still getting the kids....well. Doesn't sound like such a bad guy to me.
The reason he drives both
The reason he drives both ways was because he didnt want to pay any more than $300 a month. Which is about 1/5th of the actual expenses of the kids.
My wife works and pays for a babysitter when she works. Why shouldn't he do the same? 99% of 14yr old boys are incapable of taking care of 2 special needs kids under 5 years old.
Its not about making me happy, its about making my wife happy and getting the kids looked after responsibly when we dont have them.
If it's not bothering your
If it's not bothering your wife enough for her to do something about it, then unfortunately YOUR hands are tied.
It's not a fun place to be but many step-parents go through this VERY thing. There are things that my DH's ex does that drive me CRAZY concerning the care (or lack there of) for their kids but it's not my place to say anything. When my DH finally has enough, he will call her out on it but until then all I can control is what happens in my own home.
If the Bio-dad isn't educated about the special care that his own children requires, perhaps you could invite him to a session or two of the behavioral therapy and have the therapist help to educate him.
Good luck.
Unfortunately I have to agree
Unfortunately I have to agree with above, you can only control what happens in your home. The BM in our situation isn't even willing to drive 30mins to drop our ss off - we have to meet half way. So I think that you need to reconcile with yourself what the time you and your wife have together means and whether it is worth fighting this one if it means losing that time.
If he has to work on the Sunday can the BF take the kids on Fri/Sat instead?