a little off topic - starting to resent my in-laws
So DH and I are having the church wedding and reception in a few weeks and DH has decided not to take SS5. I didn't want him to come but I really didn't want to have problems w DH and it is his kid so I figured it was up to him whether he decided to have him there or not.
So for all of the months I spent planning DH has told me he wanted SS there. I was mentally prepared, everything was a go! So about two months ago he tells me he does NOT want SS there. I asked why and he said because he knows he would end up stressed out looking after him and SS gets very clingy around ppl he doesn't know and DH doesn't want him up his butt all night. He says he wouldn't enjoy the party. I didn't push it because I was actually kind of happy about it.
Anyway, fast forward to this weekend, he stupidly told MIL and SIL he wasn't taking SS and they ganged up on him. MIL said it was unacceptable, SIL said he was irresponsible and didn't care about SS, that DH was neglecting him. They said he would be scarred for life blah blah. Ok so yeah maybe they had some valid points but COME ON! It was so beyond disrespectful and inappropriate. The worst part is MIL then asks, what do you think YSM?
Let me say that up to this point, i have had a fantastic relationship w my in laws. MIL is like a mother to me and I cannot believe this is happening. So i keep my mouth shut and say, it is DH's child he should make the decision. Did I throw him under the bus? Maybe so but if he isn't speaking up for himself i am not getting in the line of fire with HIS mother and HIS sister. So SIL says that she is going to call BM herself and arrange the whole thing and take SS. I want to cry at this point because all the stress I was feeling about SS not behaving had vanished when DH said he wasn't going to take him. Now i have to retrain my brain.
So i talk to DH that night and tell him, seriously if SIL is going to get involved you might as well talk to BM yourself and set some ground rules w MIL and SIL. So they "agreed" to take SS out if he is not behaving himself or if DH is stressing out about him, but who knows how this will go. This is such a mess and i am so sad right now...
DH has to put his foot down.
DH has to put his foot down. When we were getting married, DH didn't want either kid there because it ends up all about them. I agreed. SD was 10 and DD was 5. They were young.
One day MIL comes to my house with a dress catalog showing me the "wedding" dress she is ordering for SD10. I almost died. I told her we are not having the kids come and I already have a sitter (my exh's first wife)She was pissed. Her and DH fought about it for almost a month. Thank god he didn't give in to her. I don't regret our decision at all. It was our day and thats how we wanted it. THe kids are still pissed about it but oh well!!
If SS comes he is gonna hang on daddy and want his attention all night long. Its not fair to either of you. Its a day for you guys. God can we have one day that doesn't revolve around the freaking kids??? Is that too much to ask??
What kind of real annoyance
What kind of real annoyance could a 5 year old cause? Are you serious? Screaming, body throwing tantrum melt-downs for a start... There are a lot of people that don't invite Any kids to their weddings because they aren't necessarily kid friendly events. It's a grown-up party. People get all kinds of bent out of shape about taking small children to a funeral because they "can't be expected to sit still" or behave for that period of time in that type of setting, but then the world will crash down if small children aren't brought to a wedding... Hmm.
I'm sorry but this is Not the skid's "day too". A wedding is about the two people getting married and if one or both of them happen to have kids, that doesn't mean it's the kids' day too. That's like saying, the in-laws are getting a new daughter/sister/niece/cousin/aunt/uncle etc etc etc etc etc, does the day belong to all of them as well? No.
If the parent doesn't want their kid there because the kid is going to behave badly and require all kinds of attention leading to the neglect of the new spouse, the guests and the other responsibilities one has a host, it is that parent's right to make a decision to make other arrangements for the child.
The SM isn't trying to pretend he doesn't exist but holy crap, weddings are crazy stressful under the best circumstances and if this child doesn't behave well in large crowds, of Course she'll feel less stressed being told he's not going to be there. She isn't asking for him not to be there and I think your implications that she's trying to pretend he doesn't exist or that she's trying to exclude him are way off base.
It's great for you that you didn't mind any of what the kids did at Your wedding, but I'd be stressed out just from not knowing whether to expect the kid to be there or not. I don't know how badly behaved this child is, but just off the top of my head... ruining the cake, throwing food on people's fancy clothes, screaming for his dad in the middle of the ceremony, opening the gifts and breaking them, ripping pages out of a guest book....
I get that some of that might be extreme but they are certainly things a 5 year old is capable of and they are certainly annoyances. OP has a real concern and I don't think it should be belittled.
My first wedding, I didn't
My first wedding, I didn't invite ANY kids. Current DH and I = no kids. It isn't about the relationship... sometimes these events are simply "adult only". I agree with Aeron... kids can make classy events like this turn into a shit-show REALLY quick. LOTS of people don't invite kids. It's not some evil stepmother maneuver.
I feel strongly because I
I feel strongly because I feel like the SM here is getting attacked a little for a decision that she's leaving to the child's parent. I'd be furious if my husband's sister or his mother tried to make a unilateral decision to bring my SD to an event that we were hosting because They didn't like that she wasn't invited. I'd be furious because they aren't the parents, it isn't their place to make that call.
Would it be wonderful to include the kid for the kid's sake? Yes, absolutely. But Like I said, I don't know anything about how this kid behaves. He could be a totally normal 5 year old that will allow himself to be entertained and distracted by the family that's there and not require every moment of dad's attention. Or he could be a total hellion that pees on himself in public for attention and dives face first into the cake. I really don't know, none of us do. But if this woman has concerns about how the child is going to act, if this is a formal event and he's going to be the only kid there... I think she's got valid concerns.
We also don't know how MIL and SIL will actually behave. Will they bring him and then glare at the father and accuse him of being neglectful if the kid starts crying and and screaming and Dad, who didn't want him there, expects someone else to comfort him?
There are multiple sides to this, and there are many ways to handle these situations. But it's not MIL or SIL's place to figure it out. The father made a decision, they should respect it.
I simply don't like how this became about this soon to be stepmother "excluding" this child from her wedding, her marriage and their life. It's simply not what she's said. She has simply said she's leaving it to the child's father to make the decision. She's not doing any excluding and I don't think it should be made out like she is. Is she saying this is stressful for her? Yes. Is that reasonable? I think so. I was concerned about how my 5 year old niece was going to behave at my wedding because she's a total spoiled brat and her parents aren't big on watching her. It's a stressful event, as joyful as it may be. Now her in-laws are trying to take over certain plans that just aren't their place.
I don't think this should be a debate about whether or not the kid should be there, I think she's simply upset about her in-laws overstepping, and she has every right to be.
I am shocked that a person
I am shocked that a person would exclude his/her child at his/her wedding. How unfortunate for the child.
All of my friends &
All of my friends & co-workers got babysitters when they came to our wedding. They wanted to enjoy adult conversation without worrying about kids running wild. I don't see how that is offensive.
i don't think it's about the
i don't think it's about the rights or wrongs of whether or not to bring skids to the wedding. it's about in laws railroading the event, and if her dh doesn't nip it in the bud now, they will continue to invade the marriage
OP - While I can understand
OP - While I can understand your MIL/SIL's shock at the fact FDH had decided that he didn't want ss at your wedding/reception due to the reasons already outlined, as they have the right to have an opinion as members of his (and your) family however I really don't think they have handled it well by "telling" him and you that are going to bring him regardless. Perhaps they felt they would helping everyone out, by ensuring that they are the ones responsible for ss, so that they can ensure that any undesirable behaviour is dealt with by them rather than stressing you or FDH out should ss be clingy/whingy?!!
Anyway, I will give you my story. I can completely understand both yours and FDH's concerns over ss. I felt the same way and actually to an extent so did my DH. Sadly, my own ss was PAS'd to hell by the BM, so I suspected that unlike his own mother's and stepfather's wedding (which was a few months prior to ours by coincidence) where he was VERY happy (I saw the pics myself) he would be clingy, very whingy and sulky/ignorant. In fact he was exactly this way on our wedding day, and while part of me resents that he behavioured that way I also understand it due to the fact that at age 5 when we married his mother had put alllll sorts of horrible things in his head
Sooooo, onto how I handled it for MY sanity. Firstly, my DH really wanted an evening where he would let his hair down and not have to consider his kid and his nieces/nephews. While we didn't have a throw down drunk wedding reception, we did want an adult evening where we didn't have to *watch* what we said or have to consider skid/kids in general. So we had ss come to our wedding day and reception in afternoon, and then no kids in the evening/buffet. We also asked my PIL to be responsible for PU/DO of skid, dressing him and looking after him ALL day. While we obviously gave him attention, ultimately it was OUR day and I felt for us it was important we involved his son who my DH adores but I ensured I made it clear I was not going to be patient if DH's disney/guilty daddy made a show on our wedding day, as sorry but I wanted DH's attention on ME. His bride. I was not prepared to share that.
Can you talk to your FDH about this? I think its important that you guys agree on what you want for your wedding. I also think your FDH needs to talk to his family then about what you both have decided upon. Sorry but I don't think they get to decide (even though I can understand and sympathise with their thoughts and reaction to this news). Can you trust them to be responsible for ss for the day and to distract him if he does sulk/get clingy? Perhaps you can compromise and have him there for your vows? One thing I do think is YOU BOTH need to make a decision about this now and plan for it, as this should not be tarnishing your enjoyment of the run up to your wedding day. So take control.
Actually it is the father who
Actually it is the father who decided he did not want his son at the wedding.Stepmom has let him make that decision.He must be a little bugger for his own dad to exclude him. I was 7 when I was a flower girl at my sisters wedding..I barely remember it..I doubt the child will be scarred for life if he does not attend.
I am sorry you are stressed
I am sorry you are stressed out about your special day.The decison should be your future husbands.It is his child and obviouly he knows his own son and how he expects him to act...but...
I was having a party for my adult D, SIL and SD ( birthdays are days apart) and apparently upset the applecart by putting " no small childen please" on the invites...hubby agreed ) all hell broke loose.SD said if her brothers 2 year old daughter was not invited then she wouldn't be coming ( to her own birthday party)I was trying to do something nice and it turned out a disaster.I apologized and said "bring the little one, I didn't mean to hurt anyone."Princess bride of SS tells me" the damage is done and I am really hurt, we aren't coming" SD showed up with 2 of her kids about 11 PM afterall.So SD has a party for her brother and I did not go.
I have learned that no matter what you try to do, you are not really family ( not with this family anyway)and they will not except you so don't even try.Stay out of family stuff and let your man deal with his sister and mother...oh and as far as how much damage can a 5 year old do?...I've seen kids carry on during the ceremony, stick their fingers in the wedding cake, unwrap presents and tear open envelopes..rip around the hall screaming and acting like wild animals and parents just let them do as they please..or tune them out...good luck , I hope you get this straighened out before your wedding day !
When we got engaged it was
When we got engaged it was just before christmas, and at my family gathering at christman my grandmother made us an engagement cake. SS was 8 at the time and burst into tears asking, 'but what about me?' I wanted to punch him and that day was solid in my mind that I did not want him at the wedding (he was living with us full-time then). fast foward 8 months and he was back with BM after whinging about how she was lonely and he wanted to go back with her, it was the perfect opportunity to not invite him, DH discussed it with BM and in the end SS decided he didn't want to come. I breathed a sign of relief.
I see the wedding as the ONE day you and DH have on your own - if the kid shows any indiactions of trying to hijack his father and dircete attention away from the premise of the day, I wouldn't be inviting them. I see the point about it being his child so there is an obliagtion for the child to come, but there is no way I would stand for my day being ruined by a selfish child - and guarentee that even a 5 year old knows there is soemthing going on and would try to monopolise the day.
If SIL and MIL is so insistent DH needs to say that they need to remove him from the area if he shows any signs of tantrums. or get one of those babysitting services to come and put the kids in another room.
I know some people may see that as harsh - but they was I see it, it is our day and no one elses - the one day we can do WHATEVER we please - just as the skids can decide not to invite us to their weddings - so be it.
I got married a few months
I got married a few months ago and my SS2 and SS4 were both in the wedding and stayed throughout the reception. It is difficult, it was stressful but were not talking about a second cousin not being invited-this is his child....the one YOUR choosing to accept into your life. Believe me, I know it would be easier to fall in love with someone that doesn't have kids and start your own little family unit- but this is life. Now I understand that at weddings there is almost always alcohol and people get tipsy if that's a concern then have BM or someone else pick him up a couple hours into the reception so you can have the rest of the night. My two SS came home with us on our wedding night, this is about family and solidifying the bond you have.
Ask his family for help that day- my Husband and I didn't change one diaper the day we got married and we had several family members that helped in keeping a close eye on them.
Again, its difficult but completely manageable. My oldest, SS4 always always talks about "our family party" and how much fun he had on the dance-floor that day.
Just wanted to give my two cents since I recently went through a wedding with little ones. Good luck with whatever happens.
A first wedding with no kids
A first wedding with no kids can be YOUR day, all about the couple. But second and susequent weddings where one or both have children. Sorry, it's not all about the couple anymore. The biological children are an important part of your new family and should be there. Your FDH made a bad call, and he did it thinking only of himself. He wanted to enjoy the party and not have his son up his butt.
Well he has this child, and it is his child 24/7 as a parent he doesn't get to party without making appropriate arrangements for his child. Which would have been to ask his family to look after this child, and if they said NO, then he could have if he wanted to not had him there and made other arrangements if it was his turn to have him. For the record, this child is going to be a part of your family, and I think he should be there. But that is your fiance's call, not anyone else's.
Your MIL and SIL were probably right in what they said. But way out of line in making the decision he should come and they would arrange it with BM.
Your FDH needed to stand up for his decision with his mother and sister, or agree he may have made the wrong call and said I WILL CALL BM and sort it out. He should not have allowed them to make this decision. It concerns me that they have both done this, it concerns me he allowed it. This does not show much respect for your husband or yourself. Clearly these two have put the child ahead of both you and FDH, not their place to do so. I would be fuming under these circumstances.
Sorry, but while I agree you did the right thing here, you allowed DH to make the decision. He did the wrong thing and for the wrong reasons. His mother and sister. Well what can I say. They were way, way out of line.
I do think as I said earlier your FDH made the wrong call and his son should be there. Leaving a five year old out of such an important occasssion, an occassion that impacts on this child to, he is going to have to share his life with you and dad now, surely dad could share the wedding day and his family could baby sit. It could all have been so easy. But for FDH
Good Luck I hope your FDH has taken back his role as a parent and sorted this out himself.
In
In
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses, it has given me a lot to think about.
I can't say if DH made the right or wrong decision about SS, but I did leave it to him because I did not want to be blamed for bringing/excluding him on that day. I have adopted: not my kid, not my call.
SIL and MIL have volunteered to watch SS, but this does not really set me at ease. SIL is bringing her bf and will basically ignore everyone else the whole night, including SS who she says she will look after. MIL may look after him, but SS is a very needy kid and he really can't entertain himself. He is the only grandchild on DH's side and he is used to always being the center of attention. If MIL isn't playing w him, engaging him, he will get bored and go to DH. I do think it will be more stressful to have him there, but like I said I was already prepared for this because I never thought DH wasn't going to have him there so it is just a matter of getting back into that train of thought.
My issue was MIL and SIL ganging up on DH and making him feel bad about his decision, especially two weeks before the wedding. I just felt stressed enough already w out all the extra drama.
Bottom line, MIL and SIL really pissed me off. It is so easy for them to pass judgement for them but god forbid someone have an opinion about their lives because it is no one's business but theirs. I can't even imagine SIL's reaction if DH were to comment on her parenting decisions (not that she has a kid yet). Unless he is doing some serious physical or emotional harm to the kid, to the point where it really will cause some sort of damage to him, I don't think it is anyone's business wtf he does with his kid, but maybe that is just because I happened to support DH in this decision. Oh well, let's see how this goes...
Good luck. I do agree that it
Good luck. I do agree that it was FDH's decision to make. I think SIL and MIL have opened a can of worms here. You rightly so are resentful of this, and your not going to forget it. People are so stupid. If families respected boundaries this crap would not happen.
The decision has been made. Now it is up to DH to take the child back to SIL every time he needs attention. It is up to DH to remind SIL and MIL of the arrangements THEY made. And to make sure they follow through and mind the child.
Hopefully it will all go well on the night and SS may surprise you. But SIL and MIL what can I say. Guess they have nor got you watching them and ready for their next attack. They were both very very silly.
Hope your wedding turns out to be all you want
Have them watch him
If SIL and MIL are that worried about it, tell them you are enlisting them to watch ss for that night at the reception and you will pick him up the next day.