Lifestyle Differences
My DH grew up in a house where neighborhood kids were constantly over, his parents worked a lot and things were unstructured. His mom is very much open door, I don't think she would know what to do if she were by herself. I was an only child in a very quiet house. My mom and extended family are pretty reserved. I was quiet as a kid and while jihad a lot of friends, I did not have people over a lot and didn't go to other people's houses much. So DH and I are opposites on that spectrum. I think he would be fine with skids having friends over all the time, I am not. I prefer it to be planned ahead and would like to be asked first. I don't know if this is unreasonable, but it's how I feel in my home. I am willing to compromise, but I don't feel like DH is. This comes up today because he knew I was looking forward to a quiet day at home by the pool. SD asked yesterday to come swim today, and of course that was fine. Today last minute she asked to bring a friend and her boyfriend, and DH as usual told her ok without talking to me first. When I tell him I am bothered by that (which has been ongoing for years and we have even talked about in counseling because it has happened several times lately) I get the "why can't you just" statements that make me feel like I am going to have to be the one to change. I am not sure that I can totally be like him and i feel resentful that he cant come my way too. Just wondered if anyone else has been in this kind of situation
Boundaries
I think your boundaries seem very reasonable. I do not have an open door policy either and my first priority is being comfortable in my own home. Your husband needs to respect what you need. It's not that your telling him they are not welcome...I personally would like to enjoy peace and quiet after a long day without anyone dropping by. What did your counselor say when this subject was discussed?
When he says “Why can’t you
When he says “Why can’t you just . . .” Say for exactly the same reason you can’t.
Tell him that you don’t want to change any more than he does. There has to be a compromise that allows both of you to be happy.
Maybe one day a week there can be friends over but only on that day?
I love big dinners and lots of friends over, DH likes quiet evenings with just us or maybe one other couple. We decided we’d do Xmas, Easter and one big BBQ in the summer with lots of people, like 25 - 30. Birthdays are just family (still 14 -18) and once every 2 months we have another couple over for dinner.
As long as DH knows the dates and is ready for it, he enjoys it. When I say I invited s,t,u,v,w,x,y&z for dinner tomorrow he’s upset and anxious.
I completely identify with
I completely identify with your DH about feeling upset and anxious. I have such a hard time trying to explain it to my DH, because he doesn't feel that way and doesn't understand Was there something your DH was able to say to help you understand how he feels? Or did you only need to know he was upset to want to do something about it?
Honestly, I can just see how
Honestly, I can just see how out of sorts he gets before people come over.
The house has to be perfect, clean and everything in its place, the yard has to be shoveled, stairs de-iced, or lawn mowed, all the weeds plucked. I’m happily putzing around, getting food ready and he’s obsessing that there’s dust on the TV.
I feel our friends and family come to see us and don’t care about the dust but it bothers him. When we first moved in, it was terrible because we were showing everyone the house and he was apologizing for the dryer lint on the floor in the laundry room. Every room had to be perfect and he was a basket case.
Once people are here he relaxes and enjoys the event. However, if we entertain more than once a month he gets edgy.
He really doesn’t even like it when I have girlfriends over for an evening. He hides in our room and watches TV. He would much prefer to meet people at a bar or restaurant then go home to a quiet house.
I’ll admit I don’t understand his anxiety, he’s very social, but I do see it and so we’ve come to an agreement that I’ll give him time and not just invite people over without talking to him first.
I also give him his space if I have a girlfriend over. I don’t force him to come out and visit.
Thank you everyone, for your
Thank you everyone, for your responses. The counselor didn't really give any answers to that, other than to ask him if he could change the way he presents it to me (ask if I kind rather than tell). He agreed, and he did ask today...but after I questioned he admitted he already told her ok. On Friday she asked if she could have a friend spend the night this coming Wednesday. We both work during the week and I work from home Thursdays, but I agreed to it because at least It was notice and I was asked. I feel like I am trying, but no matter what he says to me, he can't seem to stop dropping everything to please her. He said today he wants to be the cool dad with the place everyone wants to hang out. I do to a degree, but not all the time. It's not for me and I don't think it ever will be, and then I am overruled and made to feel bad about not being open. I ended up leaving and going shopping today. It seems stupid, but this type of issue is pushing me to my limits and it makes me not want to be here. If I talked to SD about it I am sure it would add fuel to her fire. She already claims she doesn't feel welcome here because I ask that she check before dropping in when she is with her mom. That is part of why we are having issues now, I started setting some boundaries and nobody likes it. Leaves me feeling like the outsider in my home and I am tired of it
Are both BS and SS still
Are both BS and SS still living in your home fulltime?
I do think , if so, it would be difficult for Dad to tell SD15, 'no, you can't come to the house today'. I'm not necessarily saying she shouldn't be told 'no', just that it would be (IMO) some what awkward to tell your daughter 'no' when the boys are living there and come and go (as 18-19yr olds do) as they please.
What I could and would have no problems with is telling SD 'nope, no friends', without giving it a second thought.
I can see his not really understanding why you don't want a house full of teens, as he found it pretty normal while he was growing up. And I can see why (partly due to your very different childhood) why you find all these teens a complete intrusion.
With my oldest kid while they were hoe, it was very much friends and neighbor kids around. My house was the go-to-house. I have large age difference in my children (41, 37, 31 and 18). I seemed to be able to 'go with the flow' better with the older kids when they were teens. But now that I've had a stretch of a more quiet relaxing period with just one at home, yeah, it grows old. Youngest daughter has fewer friends in and out of the house and permission is always expected with limited times I say 'sure'. Not that she doesn't have lots of friends , just that I'm not as willing to be the one and only house hosting.
Being your SD is on a 50/50 schedule, if today wasn't Dad's week to have his daughter or not his holiday to have her, it likely would not occur to me that I'd be informed at breakfast that SD plus friends were shortly arriving. Nope, I wouldn't like that at all. While I would have no problems with SD coming, preferably with a notice of at least a late last week as to 'what are the plans for Memorial Day'. But I would entirely expect to be consulted and have input if any friends might be included.
If I had not known of any plans, never been consulted of any being made and had my heart set on being lazy and relaxed hanging around the pool sunning myself and taking swims on and off ? I'd be madder than a wet hen. Nothing says WTF? like being intruded upon by a bunch of unexpected (unwanted today) group of teens. No thank-you.
Yes both boys live here full
Yes both boys live here full time now, and I see what you are saying about telling SD not to come here but that is not exactly what I am meaning. The issue with her dropping in started long before SS moved in full time, and he never had a problem letting us know if he needed to. I would expect the same of my BS if he stays somewhere else. It came to a head last year when my DH was traveling a lot for work and she would pop in and out without letting me know. I don't like that when I think I am home alone and I feel like it's common courtesy to let someone know before you walk in on them. I do want the option to say no to her staying here off schedule if he is out of town, but if he is here I don't have an objection (although I admit to you guys I am not excited about it). I was told she was coming Monday night but didn't find out about the others until around noon yesterday. Then today DH "asked" if she could have her bf over tomorrow evening and another friend spend the night the next night. This is after friends yesterday, plus SS18's girlfriend over yesterday evening Its too much for me, I don't want to live in a house that is a free for all of coming and going. Not trying to be mean, and I know I need to work on being more open. I just don't feel like I am the only one who needs to compromise. I would find it easier to try if I felt like DH was trying too, instead of immediately and always catering to her. Thank you for sharing your point of view, I am glad to know I am not completely off base on my feelings. There has been a lot building and I am sure my views are colored by that
I Soo Relate to This!
Stepper: I can so relate. My DH grew up in a large extended family, and his parents' home was a hub for lots of his and his brothers' friends. DH has adult kids who had lots of friends as teenagers, and DH got accustomed -- mostly after his wife left the family and he felt guilty about his kids' hurt -- to do and give most of what they wanted (based on info I have). Especially his two daughters.
He doesn't seem to need privacy. I am a whole different story. My parents were divorced when I was young and left me with grandparents, who were older and very quiet and not social. I lived in a VERY quiet home and got used to it. In addition, I was a "nerd" LOL who loved to read, and I'm an introvert. So now, with DH's big extended family, the SKIDs, and now their children, it's just overwhelming.
I get anxious before family events and have to force myself to stay...and fantasize about going to hide in the bathroom. Some events I've stopped going to altogether. I feel much more comfortable in a smaller group.
Am also obliged at times to host large family events at our house. This also makes me very nervous, as I came from a small family and am not accustomed to -- or good at -- cooking for crowds. I even get uncomfortable when DH's adult kids and their spouses and little ones come over...Putting together and serving a nice meal for eight adults, with toddlers running around and infants needing tending to, isn't something I feel confident about. I met SKIDs as adults, basically, so to me they still feel like "guests."
With all this, I feel ultra self-conscious and like I don't fit in to this big, competitive family. Other issue is that, since I am second wife and have no kids of my own, I have no shared experience with DH's brothers and father, and with brothers' wives, who are all parents. They know lots of the same people, played on same sports teams, etc. So I smile and nod and try to act interested but have little to add. DH's family are good, decent, generous people....I just don't fit in and would rather be in a library! DH doesn't read books...just the sports page.
This does at times become a source of tension between us. I wind up feeling like a hermit, and feeling guilty.
In addition, he also will drop everything for either of his (adult) daughters.
I love DH. And, I wish I had considered the whole thing more carefully.
Yes yes yes, to everything
Yes yes yes, to everything you said. DHs family is extroverted, his mom doesn't know a stranger and is not content unless she is surrounded by a lot of people. DH is similar to his mom, except he does not seem to need a lot of people around all the time. But he is fine with it. I on the other hand am uncomfortable when there are other people over It took me a long time to adjust to living with him and the kids, I had a panic attack and ended up in the ER a couple weeks before our wedding. Maybe that should have told me something. I assumed it would get easier but I am struggling more now. I think it's because I feel like he doesn't respect my struggles and will run over me. I deal with the guilt also, I would not have chosen to feel this way and I feel like I am then one who is wrong. Just an added layer over the normal step problems Thank you for sharing your story, I hope we can both find some peace in our situations
Wishing You the Best
Stepper, Wishing you the best. Praying we will both find some peace and that your DH will get better at respecting your needs. Hope the anxiety lessens.
I forgot to mention that, three years ago when I was going through breast cancer treatment, DH suggested that his daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter move in with us for a while as their house was being remodeled. He wanted to make sure they felt they had a place to go, and said maybe it would be good for me to have other people around. I was horrified! Maybe this is just me, but I couldn't even imagine having people I don't really know well in my private space while dealing with an illness.
Sending hugs your way.
"why can't you just"
Yes, you got it - when DH says, "Why can't you just", it is a 'you' statement to get you on the defense. He IS trying to make you feel as thought this is your problem. Next time he says, "why can't you just", reply with an 'I' statement, "Because I need you to ask me ahead of time" or "Because I need some space this weekend" or "Because I would rather go with our original plans", etc.
My DH comes from a big family too - and when they visit they stay for at least a week at a time. Don't know about you, but after three days, relatives and rotting fish have a lot in common. I've heard the same tales of yesteryear over and over again. After a few hours of it you just have to escape for your sanity.
Yes, you have BS and SS living with you. But SD doesn't live there - and there is a big difference. She should call before dropping by - it's called 'manners'.