It's over
Well, I've posted here one time before - regarding my fiance & how his ex wife was doing her best to break us up & make our lives miserable. She succeeded!!
What's shocking here though is I wasn't the one who ended it.
I was trying so hard to overcome all the bullshit she was dealing him & I know I hounded the hell out of him - I wanted him to stand up to her & to not be such a wuss.
She would always change things on him at the last minute & expect him to be like - Ok, sure, cuz she knows how much he wants to see his kids. Meanwhile, I would look like the bad one by trying to lay down the law & telling him to say NO to her changes,which meant he would also not be able to see the kids...
I became totally obsessed with what she was trying to do & how to counter it all, I admit it.
I was completely wrapped up in the whole thing, because they are currently in the process of a bitter relocation battle.
My fiance & I had an awful fight the other night. It was the night before our anniversary, in fact.
He had told me how she had tried to change the days again & how he had responded to her, via text.
He always lets me go through the texts & look at them, so I picked up his phone when he was in the bathroom, just to see exactly what had transpired, in case he had left out any details.
It seems he HAD left out a detail!
I saw he had first responded by agreeing to her change of schedule!!!
Then I saw the other text, the one he had told me about.
What I didn't notice, however - was the fact that he hadn't actually SENT that first text. The one I didn't like. Well, I was relieved about that,he had pointed that out when I asked him about it but I was still mad anyway that she had him so programmed that he could just automatically write that, after everything we had just discussed days before!!
I admit, I attacked him for it. I was not very nice about it. We wound up having an AWFUL fight & now I see it was all my fault.
The next day, I woke up to a text, telling me I had to move out of the house immediately.
My beloved fiance had just broken off our engagement...
He gave me no reason.
I moved out in a day...but I am wrecked.
I know it was a combination of things, but I also know he must think I am a controlling woman. On top of that, his ex was very controlling (still is) & I know he is super sensitive to any sort of requests for self improvement, so to speak. He had a very short fuse when it came to me suggesting he do things differently. I know it reminded him of HER.
I also have the very distinct feeling that because he & his family are so paranoid about any "red flags," I was booted at the first sign of one.
So, I know it wasn't ALL me, but I sure as hell feel super guilty about it anyway.
I just didn't see this coming. I thought he loved me. I thought he was HAPPY.
Sad thing is, not only have I lost him, but I've also lost his wonderful Parents & his 2 little girls. I never got to say goodbye to them. It was just so sudden.
And he's killing me because he is ABSOLUTELY silent now. I can't stand it.
I feel as though he completely despises me. I feel as though I was a total bitch that night & now there's nothing I can do to fix it.
I didn't even have a CHANCE to fix it.
What's even more messed up is the fact that I know his ex wife is soooooo happy about this right now.
i'm sorry to hear that. I
i'm sorry to hear that. I fear this will happen to me also. I am controlling and so involved also. Hopefully if you give a few days, you can talk to him. and try to fix whats broken. He seems like the non confrontational type who doesn't want to fight or have drama. Just wait and try again or show up and talk to him in person.
Hope everything works out and when you do talk. just tell him how you want to fix this. and it will work out. good luck
You know I read this and
You know I read this and thought it was pretty cool that you acknowledge where you guys may have went wrong ... many people don't. Even when they are over their breakup.
The parents and the kids are the worst thing about break ups. It hurts now but you will heal. If you let the wound heal.
Whenever my husband and I argue, I just have to pull out a picture of his ex and the boys and I am reminded to swallow my pride.
She already has SS10 wrapped around her crooked manipulative fingers. I can't let her take my husband - the same man she screwed up and twisted around.
I refuse to let her win.
"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln
Him kicking you out is a
Him kicking you out is a knee jerk reaction to his frustration (and hurt) but none of the less let him have his way. He'll get his answers. My DH did something similar a couple months ago. He later told me it was a low blow....a way to distance himself from the pain of being torn by two women...the one he loves and the mother of his child.
You know who he is and if he's a prideful sort. You know if he is being an idiot or if he really wants it over. But wait it out a few days.
"Please don't place the
"Please don't place the blame on yourself. You seem to be taking FULL responsiblity for what happened and that is unfair on yourself."
Listen to Kat. I am going through my husband leaving me for another woman because I tried so hard to blend our family, especially b/c his daughter has borderline personality disorder (so does his ex). My H decidied after nearly 5 years of marriage that another woman, also married, would be a better match for him.
He is looking for an apartment now.
If he changes his mind and wants you back, think hard about this decision. It takes two people BOTH stepping up to make this situation work. He should be working with you to find a way to make it work, not blaming you for it not working.
I would demand couples counseling to help with the blended/exW issues before even considering marrying this man. I should have demanded it myself before marrying my H. He made a mission of wooing me, as soon as the ink was dry on his 10 year marriage. His ex was so irrational I believed he was over her. What I know now is he never dug deep to peel off 14 years (high school sweethearts) of dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
Sometimes the unresolved issues from their first marriages are what make the next marriage fail. I know it is true in my case. My H didn't take any lessons of communicating his feelings and stuffed them in a box. So all the time I was communicating about his daughter, he was acting like he was listening and processing, and I thought we had a great marriage b/c we could "talk." But in reality? I was talking to myself all these years and he was tuning out.
Anyway...
Just think hard. Nothing is impossible to work through. But by ending your engagement in a temper tantrum and not even giving you a specific reason/conversation etc?
Is VERY controlling on HIS part. He is projecting if he is saying YOU are the controlling one.
HUGS- I am in desperate need of them myself. I sound all rational and together...
But inside I'm dying. I just don't want anyone else to go through this crap for 6 years then get tossed after all the work we do for our H's and their children.
~Sita
One of the things Sita Tara
One of the things Sita Tara said really struck a chord with me.
"Is VERY controlling on HIS part. He is projecting if he is saying YOU are the controlling one." I immediately thought something similar when I read your post about waking up to a text telling you to move out (remember Sex in the City when Berger broke up with Carrie on a post it?). It's almost like he HAD to have control over the situation and the only way that he could get that control was to not give you a choice in whether you would comply without speaking to him or not. (On another note, Wilda does the exact same thing. She calls BF controlling when in reality she loses her mind when she thinks she's losing control. The curse of the crazy BM)
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree that time is needed. Maybe this can be time of reflection, not just for him but for YOU as well. If you decide that dealing with this for the rest of your life is what you want, then go after it full force and don't back down until you've told him everything that you feel for him. But if you decided it's not what you want, then you can rest easy knowing that you got out before it was too late. Good luck - let us know how it goes?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
what a weak gutless act! a
what a weak gutless act! a Text telling to move out is disgraceful!
dpon't put full blame on yourself girl! stick up for your rights for Respect!
my DH has tried breaking up a couple times: doesn't want more kids;(i haven't had any yet)& i am too uptight!?
we talked it out straight away but i am in tears still as the kids SS9, SD11 BM has been spending too much time lately with them and putting ideas in their headds so they come home to our main custodian and they have gone alittle cold towards me!
Be brave let things cool down then Text him back "need to talk things over lets meet somewhere neutral"..good luck! i think we are the brave but hard done by here trying to take on other peoples kids!!
i too must say at least you
i too must say at least you acknowledge where you went wrong. Reading this was like reading a page out of my life as well. I understand what you are going through. My DH is the same way. YOU are not entirely to blame. My trouble is, and I don't know if it's yours too, is that HE doesn't want to acknowledge where he went wrong. Communication is very important and both parties have to make time to make this happen. Issues don't get resolved over a 15 minute, let's do coffee conversation. It's all about respect and how much he wants it to work as well as how much you want it to work. I am thinking of leaving my husband b/c he is blind to the PAS. He makes time for kid's activities and to drive 3 hours to meet his dad to look at land that he won't have time to go hunting on, yet when it comes to our issues, they all take a backseat. I hope things work out for you. Just remember, everything happens for a reason and God wouldn't give us anything that we can't handle.
Thank you. Actually, all he
Thank you. Actually, all he could say when I asked him why was: "It just built up."
Whatever that means. He was the type who you could see when he was unhappy but he would never talk about it. Even if I asked, he didn't like to talk about things. I know a large part of this is due to his lack of communication. This was something I'd always told him to be aware of, with me. It didn't make a difference, obviously. He shuts down & after that...forget it.
I think it's pretty ironic though that after all the crap I put up with from HIS life, he can't take 4 months of ME grilling him about how to handle his kids/ex wife. That's really funny.
this was an amazing post.
this was an amazing post. just amazing. i really feel what you are saying. my BF has expressed this to me. that he cannot handle me telling him this stuff...he has said "don't you think i already know"
it is slow for me...to recognize and respect he is an intelligent human who is capable of the same logic, if not the same end result, as i am. it is hard to watch a man get beat down and take it...but then...i also have to recognize those are his choices.
Woah StepAside, that was a
Woah StepAside, that was a really eye opening post. That gives me a lot to think about. Can I ask you one question though? Obviously it's going to bother you when this happens and obviously it's best to keep your mouth shut about it but how do you make it okay in your head? Most of what angers me IS what's in my head. I know there's nothing I can do but I'M the one that gets SO angry and I'm really struggling and searching for an answer for how to make that go away.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
yes i have the same question
yes i have the same question too... Stepaside, how do you get this anger out of your head? When I sit there and dont say anything, it builds and builds...
she is so right. SS15
she is so right. SS15 report card just came home. he did OK for the quarter but BOMBED his mid terms. if this was MY kid i would kill him. but he is NOT my kid. so all i said was "wow, he bombed his midterms. BF ha sto do something. and frankly if he does not, who cares? all it means is the kid will go to a lessor college, which means less outlay of money for us. so why the hell should i be invested in his academic life if his own parents aren't? i say F that.
Oh Stepaside. You are so
Oh Stepaside. You are so RIGHT ON target. You speak volumes!
Well, I'm starting to ease
Well, I'm starting to ease off the taking it personally part...I wish I'd gotten this advice while I was still in the relationship. He was telling me to back off, to stay out of it, because he could see I was starting to lose my mind - but I just COULDN'T. I wish I'd known this stuff before. There were some other issues we had in our relationship, but I think those could have been handled. Sad, we broke up due to a fight about his EX WIFE!!! I understand he got rid of me because he couldn't get rid of her & though I'm mad as hell that she won, I'm also happy as hell that I don't have to put up with her shit ANYMORE!!!!!
Downside is - he & I are no longer together & he thinks I'm as crazy as she is, but the upside is - HE'S STUCK WITH HER FOREVER WHILE I AM FREE OF HER!!!!!
He broke up by text? What
He broke up by text? What is he? A Jonas brother?
LOL
"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."
Thanks everyone, for your
Thanks everyone, for your posts. I do feel better. ( A little.) I HAD asked for couples counseling. He didn't pursue it for us. I told him I was under a huge amount of stress too. Nothing was ever done about it. He said I was too involved in "HER" & that I should mind my own business, but it WAS my business, because I lived there with him & had to deal with all her bullshit. It IS over.There won't be any going back. I moved out of state, back home. He has been quiet ever since. No contact. Clean break. Which is VERY hard for ME.
I know we will never work it out as it is dead. I don't understand but I guess I'll never really know. Just like that...OVER & OUT. No more. And by text, yes. How utterly pathetic. :-?
Oh hon...from where I'm
Oh hon...from where I'm sitting all these years invested and being tossed aside heartlessly?
You may be saving yourself a much greater heartbreak later.
HUGS,
Sita
Sita & Beach. I have BOTH
Sita & Beach.
I have BOTH of YOU in MY Thoughts & Prayers.
Please try to take some time for yourself, before getting involved again.
I did..I took off a couple years. I worked on Me and MY wants & Needs.
At the time..A dear friend, another counselor ( one of my best friends) Mentioned she felt I should , do this for myself.
I thought she was crazy at the time LOLOL
But you know what, she was 100% right.
before I got involved with FH, I was in another relationship of a few years, engaged too.
I realized I wasn't HAPPY with HIM..everything was about HIM, and I became depressed..But I Loved the stepchildren & his Mom LOL
We got along, his kids were adults. But we weren't compatible..in area's I really wanted & needed to fell alive & fulfilled. MY passions.
I am a widow, was married almost 30 yrs..I gave 1000% as my husband was disabled since I was 24 yrs old..I gave to HIM & MY children.
I put a lot of the things I loved , my passions & dreams on hold.
I realize now in MY 50's lol And taking that time for myself..Just what I needed and wanted in Life.
I made a LIST of Priorities..And dated several men ( NO intimacy) for a while I just dated...Then I got it down to TWO MEN I truly was compatible with in everyway.
I had to make a choice..at one point...Well, "GOD" made the choice for me. MY dearesr Emer Died.
And I am with Butch, whom I love more then anything in the universe LOL.....So please take your time..Someday you will be with the SOUL Mate, the one who LOVES YOU and respects YOU 10000% Never give up hope..Always think POSITIVE, and GO SLOW SLOW SLOW.
When we least expect it LOVE comes OUR WAY!!!
Thank you, everyone - and
Thank you, everyone - and Ms. Freeze...
I've decided it doesn't matter anymore HOW or WHY it happened.
It happened.
I've tried to contact him to ask, but he's still staying silent.
I've decided I can waste my time & energy all over again, just as I did in the relationship - always wondering, always worrying what was going to happen next...or I can LET GOOOOooooooo.
I can wonder until I'm blue in the face, or I can learn from my experience, accept what I did wrong & MOVE ON.
I choose the latter.
Thanks again, everyone - for your help.
"Thought of the Day"
"I felt God's love this morning - A child smiled at me. A bird sang for me, and the sun shone on me - for no reason at all, other than God sent them to me to let me know he was thinking of me."
I'm relaxing to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTpfblDykRU
I highly recommend Hammock for relaxation...
it was almost over for me
it was almost over for me and DH...he wasn't supporting me when the kids are coming home negative towards me after visiting BM.
lucky after todays talk he said he is trying to alk to the kids more about me when i am not around to ensure they know i am in the picture!Phew
He admits he has a weak character doesn't know what else to do but it will take take time he says! I told him i am not hanging around if he doesn't commit permanently sooner or later as we discussed this ages ago. i still don't have a key cut to his place?! and moving in is not an option he said whilst things are sensitive with the kids at the moment!
Do i stay or do i go?
I will be working my butt hard in this relationship as he is in debt up to his ears with mortgage, loan, etc...no luxuries on his salary.