Its not like it used to be....

Forums:

First and foremost, hello everyone! I am new to this site and this is my very first post! If you're reading this, I'd like to say thank you for listening, thanks for offering advice and most importantly, thanks for NOT JUDGING!

When I first married my husband four years ago, my relationship with my stepkids was great! My husband had full custody of them and their BM would see them two nights per week and every other weekend. Seeing as my husband had full custody - well, I'm sure you have an idea of how great a mother the BM was.... Let's just say I was probably the kids' biggest cheerleader at the time, joining the PTA, sewing and painting holiday concert costumes, chaperoning school trips, etc. Well, over the years things have changed - A LOT of things have changed.

If I had to think back and try to pinpoint when things started changing, I would have to say it was after the birth of my daughter. Once I had a child of my own and started to experience "true" motherhood (no offense, my fellow SMs), my feelings for my stepkids just... changed. As any BM would probably agree, my daughter is my #1 priority. I was thinking of her first and foremost. Now, don't get me wrong - I didn't immediately think my stepkids weren't chopped liver or anything. I did my best to include them, make them feel important, give them attention, too, etc. But I can't deny the fact that my love for my own daugther was different - MUCH different - from the love I have for my stepkids. This, I think, was probably the biggest change that has happened to our family dynamic, and one which really caused my feelings to kind of change, or at least become more apparent to me...

Back in the good ol' days, I used to really enjoy having my stepkids around (when they were behaving well, of course!) but now I find that the majority of the time I am annoyed by them. I feel like I have been burned by them over the past couple years and I have some deep-seeded hard feelings and resentment. My SS is now 13 and my SD is 11, and both of them have given my husband and I our share of headaches (and for me - heartaches)...

I remember the school year before last my SS was struggling and his grades were slipping. I tried everything I could to help him get back on track since nobody else was. Well, I guess I came on a little strong and one day when I was speaking sternly to him about forgetting his work (AGAIN), he went to his room and texted his grandfather (my in law) about how I was yelling at him and "acting like a queen" and how he wanted his grandpa to come pick him up. I think that was a turning point in my feelings for my SS because I felt like it was a slap in the face and it REALLY hurt my feelings. BAD. Anyway, since then I kind of think I have harbored some resentment.... It makes me question how he REALLY feels about me since he so easily said something like that about me to another family member. And all I was trying to do was help him!!! Lets just say I was very embarassed when I did nothing to be embarassed about.

As far as my SD goes, she and I have always been pretty tight. We have a decent relationship - I think she is closer and opens up to me more than her BM. However, she has had some serious behavior/attitude issues lately, and over the past couple years she has REALLY worked my nerves at times. I know she is jealous of my daughter since now she is no longer "daddy's little girl". I have tried having talks with her, I've encouraged daddy-daughter date nights between my husband and her, I even got her involved in counseling to help with her feelings, much to no avail. No matter what we do, the attitude keeps flaring. The other day I was INFURIATED at what she did - her little friend was over, so I think she was trying to be "cool" or show off or something. Anyway, she and her friend were sitting on the couch with my daughter and for no reason at all, my SD told my daughter (who is only 23 months, mind you) "I'm gonna punch you in the face". I was absolutely LIVID.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back, though, was this past Mother's Day. Of course, my stepkids were with their BM (as they should be). Well, I didn't get a call, not a text, not a card - nothing. While they were with their BM, they took the time to call both my husband's mother and the BM's mother, but didn't even think to call me. I have been MORE than a SM to them for almost FOUR YEARS - I even added 2 cell phones to my mobile account for them - and they couldn't even send me a text using the phones that I pay for???!!! Really???!!! That was the ULTIMATE slap in the face. I actually sent a text to their BM and said it hurt my feelings that she reminded them to call their grandmothers but they never took a moment to acknowledge me (to which she was totally sympathetic and understood) and she actually said that she reminded each of them that day to call me. I can't even explain how bad that hurt me. And to top it all off, when they came back to our house the next day, they didn't even say anything to me until I mentioned it first....

Once that happened, it kind of opened my eyes as to how much they think about me and my feelings. Since then, I find myself turning away and rolling my eyes more often, cringing more often, and all-around being more stressed and annoyed when they are around. It doesn't help, either, that they argue like cats and dogs. I don't know what to do anymore - I feel I've been burned and now I want to disconnect myself from them to a degree. Of course I continue to support them and care for them and make them feel welcome, but I am TOTALLY taking it down a few notches.

Anyone been in a similar situation that can offer some advice? Does it get any better? How can I stop myself from secretly being so miserable when they're around??? Any coping mechanisms?

I'm tired of being stressed out and on-edge in my own home... Help!

Is it possible that your

Is it possible that your skids noticed the "shift" in your feelings toward them when you had your daughter? It sounds like that was really a pivotal point in your family dynamic. I guess I don't understand how you describe in some detail how much "more" you feel toward your DD, but are hurt when your skids don't treat you like their mother. Do you treat them like your children? Sounds like there's a difference between your kid and them, and I'd bet a dollar they've noticed.
Try to turn things around a bit if you want more harmony in your house. Try to really find the positives in each child, whether bio or not.
Good luck!

I feel your pain. There is

I feel your pain. There is just absolutley no comparison for the love you have for your own kid(s) versus the love you have for your stepkid(s) - it is a COMPLETELY different kind of bond. And I'm starting to feel that "grossed out" feeling when my stepdaughter wants to give me a kiss or hug... How do we overcome that????

I can totally understand

I can totally understand where you are coming from. When I had my own child, I started resenting my husband because I realized the special times he had shared with another woman. I resented that he learned to parent with someone else. You don't know how intimate those things are until you are going through them. It became apparent that my love for SD was not a bio-motherly love. I felt extreme guilt for that and even talked to a therapist about it.

Then, when my baby girl was only 4 months old, I caught SD screaming in her face. Mother Bear took over and saw SD as a threat to my BD's safety. I have tried really hard, I have given SD many chances to make amends. I have wiped the slates clean and started over. My b-day is a few weeks before SD's. Last year SD refused to tell me happy birthday. Instead, all day long she told me all the things she wanted for her birthday. I told her it hurt my feelings that on my b-day all she could do was talk about what I was supposed to buy her. Still, no happy b-day. All of her friends' parents seem to look at me strangely. I know she probably tells them all I am the evil step-mom. It is really upsetting for me. I have had to detach in a sense to maintain my own sanity. It sucks, but that's the way it is. SD also continues to physically harm my BD and now my BS. So Mother Bear is still in full swing.

I am RIGHT THERE WITH YA on

I am RIGHT THERE WITH YA on the resentment thing. How did you cope with that? Just keep it in and bite your tongue? I try to brush it off, but it is SO HARD to sometimes.
I'm sorry your SD was so rude to you on your birthday. I know exactly what you mean about detaching to maintain sanity. Good for you to let Mother Bear come out!!!

I have found when I hold it

I have found when I hold it in and bite my tongue, the resentment grows. I luckily have a husband that doesn't freak out when I tell him how I feel...even if it is hurtful. I just told him that after being pregnant I see how intimate it is and what a bonding experience it is and that it bothers me that he shared that with someone else. I told him that it doesn't change anything, that I knew he had kids with another woman before I married him and I still made that decision. But that now that I am going through it, I see that it is a much bigger deal than I initially thought and it is taking some time and emotions to sort it out. I also asked in a safe way if having kids with me is special (safe meaning I worded it so as not to make him say his child was less special). It helped to hear that our children were a special new experience because they were the only children he could have with me.

And your kids will be special to him because they are a part of the woman he chose to spend his life with. That doesn't make his kids less special...just makes you feel a bit better.

Step-parenting is hard...there is nothing easy about it.

Thanks for the reply, Oi Vey.

Thanks for the reply, Oi Vey. Its not that I'm hurt that my stepkids don't treat me as their mother - I don't expect them to. Their mother has stepped up quite a bit over the years and I'm glad for that! She and I finally have a working relationship where we email, text, etc. about the kids. They spend half the time at our house and half the time at their BMs house. If I am totally honest here, I probably DO treat my daughter a *little* differently - I am very protective of her, I am probably a little more animated with her - but she's a toddler. Of course I'm going to be more exaggerated when I'm around her than when I'm around the stepkids - they'd probably think I was crazy. If I stop and really think about it for a minute, I definitely show her more affection and am more "lovey" (kissing, hugging, etc.). But I was never very huggy-kissy with my stepkids to begin with. And to be honest, with the feelings I have for them, it would be very hard for me TO be "lovey" towards them. I know that it is impossible for me to have the same feelings for my stepkids as I do with my own daughter - it is a totally different kind of connection and love. If you think the kids are noticing a difference in FEELINGS (which I can imagine they probably are), then how do I explain/fix/deal with that? And to top it all off, with their display of feelings for me over the years, how do I just shrug that all off and act like everything is fine and dandy? *sigh*

It's not easy. Honest. But

It's not easy. Honest.
But remember, your kid won't always be cute and little, either. She'll have her evil moments one day }:)
Perhaps you can "try" to be more affectionate and see if it brings results. Not necessarily huggy kissy stuff, but maybe build a fort in the living room, pop popcorn, and watch a movie snuggled in together. Stuff like that.

That's good advice, Oi Vey.

That's good advice, Oi Vey. Thank you!

You cannot change your

You cannot change your feelings...trust me, I tried. I felt intense guilt about loving my bio more than my step and after talking to a therapist about it and my husband, I finally gave myself permission to love my bio more. There is no way not to, that is just a typical, normal mother thing. My husband gave me permission as well.

My skin crawls when my SD hugs me...they are forced, awkward, uncomfortable hugs of habit. Like good-night hugs. I pat her on the back and feel relief when it is over. However, I love to cuddle my bios to sleep and smother them with kisses.

Your steps have two bio parents and two step parents to love them. Your bios have only two parents to love them. Devote yourself to them. It is their bio parents' responsibility to give them the affection they need. Of course you shouldn't refuse a hug, but the majority of their affection needs to come from their bios. Your kids don't have extra parents to glean lovin's from. You should just be a bonus for the steps, not a foundation for affection.