im new here and new to being a stepmom - Biological Dad not helping with adjustment
Prior to us getting married my husband was raising his 2 kids (9&11) on his own since they were 2&4(bio mom walked out on them). He is a great guy and has done a pretty good job considering the situation. He was mom&dad to these kids - he worked full time, cooked, cleaned homework helper ect ect ect. He wa unlike most guys his age (now 38) and his maturity and responsible attitude was one of the things that really drew me to him.
Prior to us getting merried I was an independant buisness owner ( i work from home as a consultant)who ate healthy went to the gym, networking groups wine tastings ect. I had a full life and i was a fully funtioning human with a clean house.
After the wedding - he comes home after working all day to a clean house with fresah laundry, hot food on the table and kids who have their crap together. His work days ends nicely and he gets to sit and relax after eating and then goes to bed happy and content.
After the wedding I barely get a change to make my business function as it should, I only get the chance to shower every 3-4 days. I have not had communication with anyone face to face other than the kids, I have not been to the gym, the salon, a wine tasting or anything else that i used to do. I am no longer a human women but a housekeeper and childminder. My work day never ends and my husband is oblivious to the changes in me.
After i clean up from the dinner i made i continue to clean up after the kids and my husband (none of them understand the concept of taking their shoes off when they come in the front door, none of them seem to be able to use a napkin to clean sticky fingers that show up all over the house, none of them put their clean or dirty clothes away) I do not get to unwind - even the tv is channeled to a program of their choosing, I eventually fall into bed next to a man who is too tired to talke or anything else. He is gone by 6 the next moring and the cycle begins all over.
i feel that their is positive changes for everyone but me. I have given things up while they have gained.
pls help
You should do more for
You should do more for yourself. They will not notice one way or the other but you will. Resume your healthy stuff asap (gym, nutrition) the rest will follow. Take back control of your life. If you don't have bio kids but just step kids you shouldn't be doing it all. Start gradually but definitely don't wait b.c. to modify these expectations you've fallen into.
sigh... you are in a bad
sigh... you are in a bad situation... and like many women, you are a giver!
I am/was a single mom for 19 years. My daughter just turned 19 and i am engaged to a wonderful man who has 2 kids and a horrible ex... one reason i found this site
but... i was independent and had my OWN schedule the way I created it for all this time. I didn't have an official ex - never had my daughter's BF in her life ever and never received support from him ever. so all in all i controlled every aspect of my life all this time. I am now resolving to something similar to your situation with the only exception that we have the kids one week on and one week off and my daughter (who is starting college) will be living in the house with us as well and has a good influence over his daughter... also i can vent to my daughter who is orderly and cleans up after herself...
anyway - sorry im side tracking but i wanted to tell you i understand and i have been there! i work full time - and i have been the catalyst to many fun days/nights/weekends of girls outings and had a life of fun for years and years. i do fear i will lose that side of me but i have voiced that i need it to my DH and he is totally ok with it.
side note - last night i got home and he was on the couch with his laptop open... watching tv and i went to kiss him hello. i looked to his left and there was animal HAIR all over the side table. I was SO disgusted! so i said so and he was like it wasnt the dog! like that mattered! so i said "oh YOU are shedding now?" and it was actually from a guinea pig we have moved his cage to that area... but it made me SO mad that he didnt even care to clean it up... from then on all i saw EVERYWHERE was dirt and mess. which isnt good for a tired home from work woman.
anyway - he has offered to let me stay home - especially if we have another child and i am fearful of that since i know i will end up in a similar situation as you are. i mean - i look forward to keeping the house the way i want it but i get on edge when certain rooms are disrupted - like the formal living room is MINE in my head. it is clean and houses all my things from my old house and when his daughter goes tearing through and refuses to clean up i want to run out of the house screaming.
my advice to you is to ADD "Me time" to your daily schedule. get up in the AM, do 1 hour of whatever you need to to stay sane for a minute or 2 and then go OUT. get out of the house and go to the gym. find a gym. and go EVERY day. you dont have to work out every day - you can sit in the steam room or just walk on the treadmill or walk in a park nearby - but make that Me time and do it. you also should talk seriously with your husband about how you are feeling - he probably wont understand - but you have to make the effort to explain. if you keep it bottled up you will pop and you will be more unhappy for it. also... pick 1 or 2 days a week to meet a friend for lunch - get back into that social side... but DO it - dont make excuses like the floor needs to be waxed or laundry is piling up. you are a business woman at heart and mind and you can manage a schedule so you HAVE to do it FOR YOU.
does this help? this is what i plan to do if i end up staying home... the house will always be better than he ever made it - you have made it AMAZING and you are living up to your own standards... but make time for you and force yourself to follow through. it is more important than the dishes!
oh that reminds me - are the kids doing chores yet? dishes, folding laundry, and of course cleaning up their own areas! now MY step kids (10/13)- HAHAHHAA they dont do any of it and will tell you it is because they dont HAVE to... that is the BM coming through them... but i started picking up his daughter's room just a little - the floor was clear and now after a few months it's not bad anymore - it is like she enjoys the open space and clean area so now it is engrained in her to keep it that way - i never had to SAY anything!
Good luck!
thx for your insight and may
thx for your insight and may I offer some to you: don't stay at home if you have the choice. I love my career and I so prefer it to working for someone else but I am seriously considering returing to a traditional 9-5 job just to get away. Maybe it's the summer witrh the kids that is getting to me - can't wait until School starts again
oh and i 100% agree about the
oh and i 100% agree about the maid - i didnt suggest it since you arent working... and it can be pricey BUT even once a month will help you mentally! a good spring cleaning by a service once in a while will make you feel so great! and they can do it while you sit in the sun and just take some time for yourself! we are getting a maid every other week... the day after the kids leave HAHAHA it works for my sanity for sure!
maid is on the top of my to
maid is on the top of my to do list very soon - great idea
I once went on strike and
I once went on strike and refused to do anything for anyone except myself....They soon got their heads out of their arses and helped out. I haven't really had that much of a problem since! Try striking.....
I didn''t realize that there
I didn''t realize that there would be a super women online- thx for your support though. Maybe once I get through this transition I'll remember to be equally as helpful to someone else.
So tell me do/did the 15, 17 and 19 year old help you supervise the younger ones? Do you have a family (mother /sister ect) closer than 2000 miles to you for support?
do you have bio children that you raised with your vaules to help you with the teachinbg of the step kids?
are you trying to run a business from your home where 2 kids although ages 9 and 11 have the attentionspan and emotional stability of a 3 and 6 year thx to their screwed up mother who tries her best to get them to dso everything in the opposite way that I would?
Your right I should suck it up. Thx again
Awww, don't feel bad - I feel
Awww, don't feel bad - I feel the same way! I was WAY more organized and my house was WAY more clean, "healthy" (i.e. meals, etc.) when I was the FT working, FT MBA completing SINGLE mother of a toddler than when my H & SS17 moved in! You would think it should've gotten EASIER after adding another adult and an "ALMOST" adult in the house, but it did NOT - it all went to crap! SS17 was almost COMPLETELY USELESS to have around, no cooking or cleaning but A LOT of messing up (WORSE than my preschooler!), even useless when it came to helping with my preschooler, and the only family I had in the same town as me, my sister, I hardly ever saw because she was still single and childless and living the "carefree" life that I could no longer relate to!
I have to agree to with prior posters, start doing something for yourself and let your H parent his children - it sounds like your H was parenting his children ALONE BEFORE he married you, so this should NOT be a problem for him, right?!
you just nailed it on the
you just nailed it on the head. He did do everything before we got married. Now he seems like he is on permanent vacation. He's livving a good life in a clean house in a great neighbour hood with a women who he loves and who loves him. He is now getting the help with the home and the children that he has so deserved BUT the women in questions isn't getting as much in return. He's enjoying the changes a little too much
touchy? im at my wits end -
touchy? im at my wits end - that's why i have sought out this group. If you have all the answers why are you here. I came here for some support a little humour and understanding. I have only been married for 2 months and the kids have only been here for less than the 2 weeks it has been since school has ended. Im not coping well and for the firsgt time in my life i need help - you aren't helping
"If you have all the answers
"If you have all the answers why are you here."
LOL. If I had a dollar for everytime blendedfam has been asked that ...
But seriously, keeping reading. You will find help here.
Lol! So true!
Lol! So true!
I think this is a fantastic
I think this is a fantastic list of helpful ideas. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.
I Agree!
I Agree!
You need to step back quickly
You need to step back quickly or you are going to explode. Go back to the gym. Lay down the rules. Ironically the shoes was a big deal here and one that the kids still complain about. You need to vent loudly to your husband. Stop cooking so much. I only cook 3 days a week when he has his kids. I felt like I was being used. I was angry for a year, before I stopped doing so much. Now he even does the laundry. I work from home and it was easier, but my business was only getting about 4 hours a day. Since then, I am back to about 10 hours a day and I love it. You need to start disengaging. It is not his fault, it is yours. Men will take what they can get and you are giving him everything. Take some back for yourself.
well put - it's like knowing
well put - it's like knowing that 4-5 small meals a day will help you maintain you weight but you just can't get yourself to increase the number of times you eat in fear of gaining weight. I know what you say makes sense but it seems that there are alot of people wanting me to fail ( bio mom, hubbys family ect ect). I am the poster child for workaholic moderne women and being a mother seems to be something that they doubt I can do ( i don't have kids of my own). How much worse can I be over their bio mom who walked out on them. I feel the pressure to do everything perfect and i wish I could come up with the magic words to get my husband to understand
Step back, take a deep breath
Step back, take a deep breath and figure out what you need. Then tell your husband, in a calm and non-accusing fashion exactly what you think you have come up with that you need to be content in this situation.
It will take some time for the two of you to find your groove. These are things that every newly married woman have problems with even when there aren't kids to compound the issues.
Until you can come to a compromise, slack off a bit, feed them tv dinners, get a maid, go on strike, go to the gym, do what you have to do until a happy medium can be reached.
And I recommend going to the gym as soon as DH gets off work. Go for two hours and let him handle his little darlings for a bit every day. See if he doesn't want to start compromising a little faster.