I need advice urently
Ok,
I'm new at this site, and I'm really amazed that I'm not the only one struggling with skids (I always thought everyone was happy with their situation except me)
I've been a stepmom (i'm still uncomfortable refering myself as a stepmom) for more than 3 years now. My husband has a lovely girl..or a girl that USED to be lovely until she was 4 (now she's 5).
Here's the thing, she and her mom live in a different state, we used to go to visit her every 4 weeks since my mother in law also lives there (we'd go together or my husband would go alone)
As you can imagine, my mother in law hates me ( she has said a lot of rude things about me and keeps telling them even if I'm around..well SPECIALLY when I'm around). So last New Year's eve we had a huge argument that led us to leave and head home immediately. So after a few words over the phone, he decided not to go back at her mother's but also stopped going to see his kid (because he couldn't think on going there and staying somewhere else..or well I wouldn't allow him to go by himself and staying at a hotel)
This lady blames me for most of the things my husband does (the main issue is that he moved out of state just to marry me and "abandoned" his child).
After a ton of e-mails from ev?eryone we decided to go and stay at a hotel, so we are leaving tomorrow and staying for the whole weekend.
My issue is: My stepkid was being influenced before to be mean with me (by her grandma and I suspect from her mom too but not sure), so I'm kinda scared what can I do after 7 months of not seeing her (we even missed her bday), also... any idea of what can I do to give her more time with her dad (I don't know anyone living there except for his family)?
I've been stomach sick since I got the hotel reservations because I know my mother in law will find out on Monday that we went and she still has a lot of power over hubbie and his kid (to be honest? I AM looking forward to monday!) but I'm also nervous about skid's reaction ...
Tough one...He needs to make
Tough one...He needs to make regularly scheduled visits to his daughter, but hotel costs can be expensive, especially on a monthly basis. Does he have any other family to stay with in the area? You should try to go as much as possible. Stay who you are. Don't change anything. They will see the real you in time. Keep close ties with his daughter. She is very impressionable right now and believes everything she is told by those that she is supposed to trust. Be nice to her and play with her. She will come to realize that nobody knows you like she does and she will form her own opinion.
Don't feel bad for having someone fall in love with you and move to be with you. Nothing wrong with that.
Not trying to be harsh, but
Not trying to be harsh, but your DH has a lot to make up for abandoning his child. And that is what he did. And did I read that correctly that YOU would not let him go stay in a hotel alone? That is a serious issue all on it’s own.
Maybe you can find a park to go to, or shopping mall. Something to let this man re connect with his daughter.
Sounds like your DH needs to grow a set and stop letting the women in his life, run it.
Can't he get his daughter to
Can't he get his daughter to stay with you guys for summer vacations, spring break and holiday breaks? Being far away from each other doesn't necessarily need to equate ABANDONMENT. He should call his daughter EVERY night to wish her a good night before bedtime, send her cards in the mail. Packages are a great way to connect with distant relatives especially kids, they LOVE getting mail.
Take her a cute package of fun things from you to her. Sillybandz are HUGE right now with little girls, a dress up kit with shoes, tiaras, and magic wands. And then give her time with her dad all by herself.
Don't try too hard or else she'll see that and fight it. Good luck...
I mean buying her a simple
I mean buying her a simple care package from the Stepmom as a "HEY CUTIE LOOK WHAT I GOTCHA!"
Not showering her with gifts. Her dad on the other hand can send her an Easter basket at Easter, send her a goodie bag with her school supplies, a cute dress for her first day of school. Things that will let her know her dad is thinking of her.
I don't believe that because the father moved away it means he abandoned his daughter. I don't agree with that statement.
he decided not to go back at
he decided not to go back at her mother's but also stopped going to see his kid (because he couldn't think on going there and staying somewhere else..or well I wouldn't allow him to go by himself and staying at a hotel)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This explains that he got mad at his mom so he stopped seeing his kid. NOT that he moved away. He did not see his kid for 7 months because he did not want to see his mom and his wife would not let him stay in a hotel alone.
Everyone deserves a second
Everyone deserves a second chance, including your dh. What will help everyone, including your issue with sd, is 1: if yall dont have a custody order, you need to get one immediately. It sounds like the underlying issue with kiddo is, in kid speak, that daddy is not with her because he is with you...so she is mean to you, which is a natural reaction of a small child who does not fully understand her emotions yet. Your H needs to set it up, with the courts, in writing, to see his child on a regular basis - say every other weekend, for a few weeks in the summers, on major holidays, birthdays, etc. with regular telephone contact. Dont expect the little girl to immediately like you again...children are just little people and it will take her time.. so give her time and be the grown up. support your H in seeing his daughter and understand why the child feels the way she does...think like a small child and put yourself in her shoes. good luck.
Your DH didn't abandon his
Your DH didn't abandon his daughter but hopefully he kept in contact with her through mail or phone. My son only sees his dad a once or twice a year because we don't live close. It isn't an ideal situation by far but it works. Keeping communication open is essential. Good Luck.
Ok first of all. He kept
Ok first of all.
He kept contact with her all of the past years and visited her every 4 weeks, sometimes every 3 but he DID NOT abandon her, he called her every single day, on weekends had a scheduled video conference and send the CS on time.
So, the reason I won't let him go by himslef it's because he cheated on me. He used to go alone in a regular basis so he could have some "dad-daughter" time all by them selves and I would go over there just 3 - 4 times a year.
So, I found out on November that while his little princess was asleep (she was 4 she still takes naps) his "friend" would go and see him at my mother in law's (which works all weekends from 9am - 8pm).
So, after december i had more than enough for not wanting him go by himself and by not wanting to stay at his mom's.
The cheating theme is nothing I want to talk about, but if you will I'm also a member of survivinginfidelity . com
so the only space i have to vent all this stuff is in forums (and therapy but i was recommended to talk about it as much as I could)....
So there you go. that's the whole picture
so Im not a terrible stepmom and im not trying to stop him from anything. I just want to be at peace with my feelings and have them considered on all this.
thanks.
@blender: we live 9 hour
@blender: we live 9 hour driving and no, unfortunately getting a well paid job it's a hard thing to do where we live (not in the US) and..we need the money because sk's mom won't pay a dime for he daughter. And no, bringing her to our home is not an option either because laws here are really different. We might bring her to live with us but until she's 12
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Sorry, my firefox went nuts
Sorry, my firefox went nuts and reposted everything like a million times. Ill try to erase them
And the decision of not going
And the decision of not going this whole time was entirely his.
I told him the only things I needed was: to take me over there (knowing he cannot stop going) and not staying at his moms..
Am I being irrational?
@stepaside thank you! that's
@stepaside thank you! that's exactly what I'm going through with my MIL. We try to be at every holiday/special event (or tried until, well you know, this year) and I'm trying to learn how to ignore her (my MIL) and of course I feel bad because I haven't seen sk in a while, I love her [most of the times] but this whole situation is making me go insane. I don't want her to be resentful to me, and yes...I was considering a whole bunch of gifts.. :? :?
Go to the hotel pool, soak up
Go to the hotel pool, soak up some rays and order umbrella drinks while DH plays with his kid in the pool.
Best regards.