I just don't want him......
I am new here, and I have been a SM since December 2010 to my husband's 5 year old son.
I was raised by my stepmom because my birth mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She is like my mother and I do call her mom. I refuse to speak to my birth mom and only call her by her first name (and other less polite things). We never used the word "step" in my house growing up. Her family was my family too and as far as everyone knows I am her daughter unless we tell them the whole story. I liken it to being adopted.
I am in my third trimester of my very first pregnancy and I am struggling with being a stepmom myself. SS's birth mother is very good friends with DH's ex wife and at first when I dated DH insisted that no woman in DH's wife but the ex will be involved in SS's life. She has backed off a little bit and is at least civil now. But it is only because I am the one who made sure DH paid his child support on time, called on the weekends, and sent gifts on birthdays and Christmas. SS has a lot of emotional issues that BM makes a lot worse with her erratic lifestyle and the fact that she favors her daughter over SS. SS is on medication for ADHD and she overdoses him when she doesn't want to deal with him. We are not in a place to get custody of him and honestly, I don't want him in my house, especially not around my newborn. He has a history of displaying violent behavior just to get attention and I can't risk him hurting my child. There was no formal custody agreement and DH was never married to BM, who lives accross the country, so we never see him.
I don't feel properly equipped to handle him. And honestly, I don't want to. I don't feel like I should be made to put up with something DH never should have let happen. All I wanted was a normal family with no extras, and now that is ripped away from me forever. I know that I am being a hypocryte but I can't help feeling the way I do. BM will always be in the picture, she has already pretty much ruined SS, so I just don't see how our lives would be better with him in it. I don't get why I have to be punished for his poor relationship choices. I was tolerant before, when I thought I couldn't have children of my own, but now that my son is on the way, and my son is the one who will carry on the family name (which his family is making a big deal of), I don't want to have SS forced upon me or my child. I know that sounds awful and I really don't know how to deal with it. It is too late to cut my losses and go find someone who can give me the kind of family I wanted.
Be like me? Huh......if I
Be like me? Huh......if I cared what a stranger on the internet thought of me then I would be in a bad emotional state. My feelings are normal and valid. After some of the things I have seen some of you say on here they are very mild in comparison. I can't help feeling how I feel, that is just the way it is. Never said I felt like my feelings were right, and if you read what I wrote again, you will see that I know I probably should not feel this way. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, you know what they say about opinions........they are like bootieholes, everyone has one and they all stink so its best to keep it to yourself. It's funny that you wanna jump me...like you are any better than me. You don't know me from Adam.
I was asking advice on how to deal with the negative feelings, not asking for more negativity and judgement. Epic fail ladies.
I think your feelings have a
I think your feelings have a lot to do with being pregnant. I had no problems with SD (other than her behavior) until I got pregnant with my first child. Late in the pregnancy I started to resent that hubs had shared such an intimate experience with someone else. Perhaps you aren't really upset that you have a SS, perhaps you are more hurt that your husband shared his first pregnancy with someone else instead of you?
When you hold your baby, you will feel true love. And I imagine the feelings you have regarding your SS will simmer down. And perhaps you will understand the obligation your husband has to his son a little better.
I don't think you are as evil as these ladies think you sound, I think you are emotional and confused and now realizing how precious these baby experiences are and are totally bummed your husband shared that with someone else. You had no way of knowing until you experienced it yourself...now you are and you will grieve a little for what you had wanted and your life will go on.
P.S. I don't know that it
P.S. I don't know that it holds any validity or truth at all, but I tell myself "our" kids are extra special to my husband because he shares the experience of creating and raising them with me, the love of his life, and they are a piece of me and a piece of him. Helps me feel that my pregnancies were more important and helps me let go of some of the resentment I once held.
I know you're probably really
I know you're probably really hormonal right now, and if you're anything like me, you think about "what could have been" and you'll begin to resent everything and it spirals out of control.
I call it the perfect composer syndrome--where, if we write something down on paper, or draw something, if it doesn't look right, or we make even one tiny mistake that can't be fixed, we're more apt to crumble that paper up and throw it away.
I've had the same thoughts you did--why did FDH have to make such a stupid mistake? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why can't I have the intact family and ideals that I have dreamed about for my entire life? This is not what I wanted for myself, is it? It's not fair to my children that they will be born into a life that is fraught with anxiety and fear, so for the love of them, should I leave? If I cut my losses now, I can wait for the world that I always dreamed of, etc.
The question now is, what has happened recently that has triggered these feelings? These feelings are all valid, especially if you are not a person who is used to having imperfection in your life, and everything you do is usually very well thought out, wise, and safe, and for a while, it was--because love tipped the balance in favor of staying with him when you were on the fence about it. However, if you feel you've been neglected then these feelings will end up surfacing and you will want to run.
I can offer you a bit of advice about this as I have gone through exactly where you are, and you're welcome to pick and choose what you think would work for you and what you think won't.
1. Find what triggered these feelings--is it because you feel neglected or unsure about your position in his life right now? Is it because you don't know if he will effectively "throw you away" when he thinks he has you? (as in, take you for granted now that you are married and about to have children and begin focusing on his first kid because the hardest thing--chasing and getting you--is over? Are you already feeling what you perceive to be the case?)
Remember, all relationships go through cycles of ups and down, and the shifting of priorities is natural. If you were so used to him putting you first, now that he is putting other matters first, you WILL want to rebel against it, especially if he is your number one priority. The problem with relationships is that sooner or later, it becomes "comfortable" so partners think they can put off the intangible aspects of caring for a relationship now that it is stable, even though they don't realize it is these intangible things that help grow a relationship.
2. Do you love him? Do you feel loved BY him? If recently you've been feeling unhappy, is it because he hasn't helped you feel loved or wanted? Pregnancy is a stressful time, and a lot of people will have body image issues and anxiety over what is to come. Instead of focusing on the WHAT IF (ahh, the all commanding WHAT IF) it messes up, and instead, look at the situation as it is now, in it's true form. You are with the man you love, about to have his child, about to build a life together--right at this moment, is it really so bad?
3. COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE. I cannot stress this enough. Before you start though, outline what you are feeling, and why you may feel this way. Tell him what you feel like doing--even if it's leaving. KNOW that you WILL fight about this, and that there will be tears, gritted teeth, and shut downs, but you NEED to trek on. Talking about your feelings, having them validated by your partner, and coming together for a solution for things that MAY happen will help ease your fears. It will evolve and grow your ability to communicate and in turn evolve and grow your relationship. Don't forget to LISTEN to him as well and ask him about his feelings too. You give some to receive some.
This one I have found is what ultimately helped me, more than the rest. My FDH, although we did cry and argue and talk about this for MONTHS, when my feelings of wanting to run surfaced, he understood because he had the same feelings in regards to BM and SS--not wanting to deal with them. I had fears about what if BM is crazy (she is), what if SS turns out to be a monster (he still might), and we came up with solutions for all of them that both of us were finally comfortable with. (i.e. we do not negotiate or give BM anything past what is court ordered, he doesn't ever want to speak with or see her again, and if SS turns out to be a monster, he will not parent out of guilt because he will not risk OUR family, and we will never make a decision about anything to do with BM or SS without the other.)
So, these are the things that have been supremely helpful to me, but number 3 is my golden rule. If you still love him, and want to be with him, then there is hope. Good luck!
I think maybe the replies
I think maybe the replies were a little on the harsh side. When I read them I thought some of it was unnecessary and didn't actually help her situation.
IMHO they could have been done a little nicer--we want to help her, not make her angry create a situation where she thinks her first impulse is correct, that to survive she must accept that her feelings are wrong and if she subscribes to the rule of "love thyself first" (which I do as well), then the most logical thing to do is leave.
Maybe everyone was just having a bad day. =/
edit* and I don't think she is determined to hate this child--she, like all of us, just doesn't want the child forced onto her or her unborn son, especially if she views him as dangerous.
Eh, honestly, I don't either, neither does my FDH and it's HIS kid, but we do as much as we need to be responsible--but we are also REALISTIC. We KNOW chances are BM is going to PAS the kid, but we will try to negate it and do what we can, but if at any point it is detrimental to us and our family, we will have to protect ourselves. Better than having grandiose ideals of a big happy family and get slapped in the face over and over again.
The replies are judgmental
The replies are judgmental and rude. Get off your high horses... You don't know all the facts in one short forum. I hope all of you face a challenge and go to a site spill your thoughts and get slammed. You all sound like typical snobs