I finally heard some news about my stepson. But I don’t know if they’re good or bad. Thoughts?
This is about my adult stepson. I know I should be posting this on the adult section but this forum seems more active.
I'll summarize my story. My boyfriend's son, who graduated from uni exactly 2 years ago lived with us for 6 months. During that time he did not work and just slept all day and played video games. He took away my privacy because I live in a one bedroom apartment. He finally left after my landlord spoke to me and told me not to allow any visitors in my apartment. I had fought many times with my SO trying to get his son to move out.
when he moved out he went to his girlfriends house to mooch off from her parents (she lives with the parents). I never knew if he finally found a job or not because I never asked my boyfriend but it seemed weird to me that he never got a place of his own. He spent a whole year living at that house.
Well, just recently I head some news about his life. He called my boyfriend around midnight telling him that he had to move out of that house and had no place to live. Apparently the house belonged to the girlfriend's grandfather and the girlfriend was going to inherit the house. Well, the grandfather suddenly made decision to sell the house. Perhaps he realized that two slobs shouldn't be entitled to a free house???? Anyway now my stepson has no house to live and the first thing this dummy does is call daddy to rescue him.
My boyfriend told me he's going to send him to his mom's but I don't know how long she'll want him there. Jesus Christ! He had a long time to save money for an apartment and he didn't had a plan. He's still calling dad to solve his problems. He's out of college and should be on his own working. To be honest, I think he's living off the government because he applied for unemployment when Covid hit. But he's not even looking for work. He just wants free housing. My boyfriend is all worried trying to find a place for his adult son to live. Is this normal to you?
I'm glad he got out of that house. Maybe he'll man up but I am also worried because if he continues being a man child, soon I'll have him living under my roof.
For us Americans, how old is
For us Americans, how old is "just got out of uni 2 years ago"?
Either way, it's the young man's job to find his own housing. Dad can help him look for a place, maybe even help financially - but he shouldn't have to "send him to his mother's" like he's a kid.
University usually starts
University usually starts around 18/19 years and most courses are 3 or 4 years so SS will be around 24/25 years. So the same as if a child went to college in America,
You tell your BF that under
You tell your BF that under NO circumstances is his son moving back in with you. He has had plenty of time to get on his feet and get his own place.
BF and son can get a place together, if need be. Didn't you say in another post that BF is always saying he's leaving you? Let him.
Make sure your boundaries on
Make sure your boundaries on this are crystal clear. SS is NOT living with you, even temporarily while he "gets on his feet." That's code for "no move out date."
My SS was couch surfing for a while. Fortunately, it wasn't in our town. When he was kicked out of the last place he called DH. Sure enough, DH gets in a lather and rescues SS again. Paid for a hotel for a few nights so SS didn't have to be on the streets. After three nights and no end in sight and no money for me to pay some bills, I'd had it. DH could go live with him or with me but I'd no longer be providing household money for SS. If I had to cancel every one of our credit cards so DH couldn't use them I would have.
Miraculously, SS found a place to live the very day DH told him the free hotel ride was over. Being the enmeshed, codependent that he is, DH really struggled with it. It's too dangerous in shelters; it's too dangerous on the streets. Yes, I know that. It's awful. I don't want it for him either. The solution though can NOT be continued enabling of his irresponsible behavior. I know DH thought about leaving to go "help" SS, but he knew the locks would be changed and he might as well not come back.
SS is now, years later, a responsible adult. He has a good job. Just bought a house and never asks us for anything, and keeps in touch with his Dad frequently. Very proud of him.
No he can't move in with you
It has already been established he can't stay at your home. I wouldn't even entertain any thoughts about your BF son. That's his mess and if he wants to rescue him that 's fine but make sure you let BF know that under no circumstances is he to drag you into that problem financially or otherwise.
I read some of your previous
I read some of your previous posts.
May you find peace.
Thanks for your advice. SS is
Thanks for your advice. SS is going to be 24 years old. I think he's old enough to live on his own. If he's been getting unemployment and he lived with his girlfriends for free, I don't get why he can't find a place. Maybe he just chooses not to work and be lazy and that's why he still looks for his dad to help him. He was living rent free at his girlfriend's for a year because that house was already payed off. Now I see why he got comfortable and now he has no clue where to go. I think his mom will eventually get fed up too. I think the problem is my boyfriend who overprotects him and treats him like a baby.
So tell him NOW and tell him
So tell him NOW and tell him loud and clear that there is NO WAY that his son will EVER spend another night under your roof. If he wants to take care of his son, he finds a place to live with him.
BF needs to launch his kid
This never gets better as long as someone enables the behaviors. It's not like this is helping someone out of a tight spot it's enabling them to continue being irresponsible. Parents are to raise the kids and help them transition to adult life. But when parents fail the transition part then these kids become adults who never launch.
Really, why bother to get a job and a place to live and have bills to pay when someone else will do all that????
Maybe ask your BF what he was doing at 24. If he was mooching off family and friends then this probably seems normal to him. If he was living like an adult then why doesn't he think his son is capable of doing the same? If thats the case would your BFs family have put up with him not working, mooching, being lazy?
My exSDs (34 and 38) still don't live like adults. No steady employment, neither has a place of their own. ExYSD34 couch surfs between friends and her dads place. When she gets a BF she'll stay with him until that fizzles and then she's right back to friends and dad. Her BF's almost always live with their mothers too so even in a relationship there's still this other 'adult' in the house paying all the bills, cooking, cleaning, etc. She never has to do any of this.
ExOSD38 has been in a relationship for 6 years now with her BF...guess where they live???? His mothers. Again no need to do anything. His mother takes care of everything.
ExYSD34 lived with us 3 times while I was married to her dad. Everytime was awful. She was in crisis, no place to go, no money, blah blah blah. A couple weeks would turn into a couple months or more. I'd finally get to where I couldn't take it. Usually I'd be the one to tell her she'd have to start paying rent and give her a timeline for moving out. She was usually gone within a week. I'd have to listen to exH tell me how disappointed he was in me for not treating her better but she was gone, i didn't care. He just couldn't see the ridiculousness of the whole thing.
It's not your job to take this on. Save your sanity, don't do it. If nothing else you can always fall back on your landlord already having said no.
Oops..wasn't trying to post twice.
Having technical difficulties
The more you give...
...the more they will take. For your own piece of mind, don't agree to take him back. You'll have to go thru it all over again. You didn't push this child into this world and you don't have any responsabilities towards him. Let the bio parents deal with him. Period.