Stop going on any of these excursions until DH treats you like a partner.

Yeah...this kid is way over coddled and is up daddy's a**!!! My YSS used to be like this when my DH and me started dating. I told my DH that I wasn't going to be put on the back burner to cater his kid. Have you told your DH how you feel?

My ex husband's kids used to do that to me. Cry if they couldnt sit in the front sit or next to their dad on a ride!  They were about the same age. Sounds like your husband is more worried about how the kid feels than you!  I know we are supposed to be the adults but kids are kids and should be treated like they are. They should not be calling the shots ever!!!

I can relate. SD is younger but our TV watching revolves around what she wants to watch. Our meals also revolve around her because she's finicky.

let DH know how u feel again and let him know that u will not keep accepting being out on the back burner...SS needs to get a grip and so does DH. He can’t marry u and then treat u as if u don’t matter, not even in the name of his kids. My husband used to try the same thing. I had to let him know, yo I’m ur wife and first of all I’m a person that has feelings and I matter...My DH still does things I don’t like but it’s gotten better. Stand ur ground or u r n for a lifetime of misery

Wow he sounds worse than my 3 year old! I don't think I would be going anywhere with them together.

I can relate at times. Skids always have to be walking next to my SO, and recently on a trip I trailed behind them. I told my SO that I’m an adult and that won’t happen again- I refuse to do it. I would do what others said, either not go, or tell your DH in no uncertain terms that this needs to stop. You are the adult and he is the kid- he does not rule the house. And skids here do not control the TV! They watch what we watch. I think it’s time to be firm with your DH and take control of your house again. Your happiness matters too!

Then you get ::::  your at fault for feeling that way. That you did not try hard enough to be a good parent !!! 

What I never got is.  That these people had kids then divorced, but think that there new parented is going to love and put there kids first,  when by divorcing and breaking up the family,  They put themself first. You never hear that the main reason for divorcing is be cause the SO didn’t take there kids DISNEY, or didn’t take care of there kids. It’s we grew apart, someone had a BF or GF,  someone didn’t come home, didn’t work, to controlling.  They were not loved anymore. Ect. 

They put there happiness first by finding someone else to love. Finally found there soulMate. But there new partner should put there SK first.  And if they don’t there are the bad person.

from other parents is you need to stand up for yourself!! 

You feel like a 3rd wheel as you’re treated like one? Your spouse takes you for granted that you’re a “yes hubby or yes wifey” kind of partner. There has never been you saying “no i don’t want to do that as i’m not interested or gonna waste my time doing that”

hubby coaxed me into visits with 3 skids (sd23, ss20, sd14), this involved us driving for 2 hours to pick up all skids (sd14 lives with sd23 who has a car and can drive), ss20 is capable of getting uber but no we had to play taxi with 2 cranky carsick toddlers. Then we’d get to wherever where 3 skids sat in awkward silence unless sd’s reported on bio mum and stepdads whole life story what happened since last meet. They went out of their way to remind us that bio mum is relevant- she isn’t to us but hubby knows bio mums character, if he told sd’s never to speak of bio mum and stepdad because they are not of our concern that this would be reported to her and she’d go batshit crazy and cause more issues so hubby decided to pick the better option, just ignore when sd’s talked about her...

But over time you feel more resentful because it all adds up what your partner is tolerating at your expense to shut up and accept it!! Thats not a marriage or a relationship

in my case we had 2 toddlers, a dad leaving for work at 7am and home around 9pm most nights and often weekends on business trips or work functions. When he was home it was half arsed or quarter assed parenting where hubby is on the phone and kids entertaining themselves. I told hubby we were tossed to the side and he claimed he had to be fair to all his kids.

i laid down the facts and stated in a week, he was lucky to spend 2 hours with our kids and this wasn’t full on focussed daddy & kids time. It was him on phone or watching tv and kids entertaining themselves.

yet on weekend he was willing to leave home at 11am and play taxi for skids and treat them to lunch at a fancy restaurant where they would go on and on about bio mum and step dad or sit in silence going out of their way to remind daddy they’re a happy family without me and our kids. Hubby got home at 8pm- 9 hours out and trust me he came home to a bitter angry exwife.

mind you we had other important things like kid vaccinations etc and where we were living overseas, its not so easy to open a bank acct as a foreigner and so hubby was always there to pay for the appts but suddenly meeting skids was more important than vaccinations or my sons eczema appts with his specialist

i laid down the facts he spent 2 hours quarter arsed parenting which really meant he spent 0 time yet he spent 9 hours with skids. He couldn’t deny those facts and he bloody knew it.. he sulked and admitted when I wasn’t at these meets what skids were doing that they just cared about themselves then would go months no contact with hubby while our kids always want to spend time with hubby. 

He’s gotten much better, hubby told skids that as a dad and husband to me and being so busy at work, he wants to spend time as a family with his wife and kids (all of them), he told them they were perfectly capable of coming to our home and spending time there, they didn’t need to be picked up or treated at a restaurant and sd’s in their usual sweet voice were like “yessss dadddeeeee very well daddeeee”. Its been 6 months now and guess what? They haven’t come up.

i’ve told my husband as a parent you don’t ever settle for the crumbs of attention or affection of your kids dependent on what financial benefit they get out of you. Kids raised well naturally respect and value all the hardships their parents deal with to help put them through school, University and get jobs and regularly maintain contact with their parents, they make time for them. If your kids don’t appreciate this naturally but instead manipulate and guilt you out of narcissistic selfishness, you dropping everything for them to suit them without any consideration of others or yourself just reinforces they are the cebtre of your world.

now we do our own things. Often we try to do weekend getaways and as usual skids have no respect for others times and so will demand last min meet ups 

about 2 months ago ss20 came home and found out we were staying at a hotel the next day, he demanded daddy drive home (1hr away) to drive him to his university and then hubby would come back to our hotel. Hubby said no!!! We were on a couples weekend romantic getaway and nothing kills the mood more than hubby driving for hours to play taxi to an adult perfectly capable of ordering an uber ride like he always does... ss spent a whole day negotiating with hubby to drive home to pick him up, hubby gave him 2 options: come with us to hotel and we can have lunch and you book uber from the shopping centre to your university or you can book uber from home the following day. Ss chose to book uber from the shopping centre

trust me its taken us 4.5 yrs to get to this point, lots of arguments and fights to get here but there is no way i or our kids will be treated like 2nd best because society and 1st families see themselves as being the real or more important family

You're not alone. My skids are 16 and 19 and daddy still to this day coddles them. They get to pick the restaurants, the tv shows, etc. If he's a coddler, I hate to say, it probably won't get any better. I thought it would as they got older but my DH still treats the skids like they are 6 years old. He calls them by their pet names. They have to each be cuddled up to him on the couch and they both, yes even the 19 year old, sit in his lap!!! (barf!!!) I wish I could tell you it gets better, but for me it hasn't.

Have you tried subtle edging out?

I learned this trick from my SD, who is masterful at edging out others.

This is what would happen: Three months before any holiday, SD would tell her father what she wanted to do for the holiday ALONE with him and they'd start quietly cooking up their plan. So a few weeks before the holiday I'd casually suggest to my husband that we do XYZ and he'd say, "Oh, SD and I already have plans..." This happened over and over and because I was always barred from any SD/daddy time, I was essentially out all the time. By the time I realized this was SD's MO, it was too late. The pace had already been set that she took precedence. But it might not be too late for you.

Here's how you do it:

When your husband gets home from work, what if you say, "I can't wait to watch the last episode of XYZ tonight!" Boom! You have just pee'd on TV territory! So when junior pops in and wants to watch his show, your husband already knows you've planned to watch something else.

What if you say to husband on Wednesday, "Hey, how about we go to XYZ restaurant on Friday for blah, blah, blah?" Boom! You have pee'd on the restaurant choice for Friday night! So when junior wants to go to Chuckie Cheese again, your husband is in a position to (rightfully) tell him, "Nah, we went there last time. We're going to XYZ instead this time."

Part of the problem (at least when I still had this issue) was not having a plan before the skid gets involved. If the plan is made and agreed before the skid gets there, you have half a chance of getting your way. So you must calls the shots before the skid is even on the scene.

I realize this might not always be possible, and it might not always work, but it puts your husband on notice, very gently, that you and he are back in the driver's seat...that you can make a decision three days ahead of time without SS weighing in or even being in the house when it's made.

See, right now your situation is a power struggle in the making, if it's not already a power struggle. Soon your SS will realize you're trying to get your way about a restaurant or what movie you'll see. He will start to see you as an impediment that must be dealt with -- so his whining and clinging will ramp up. Soon you'll be viewed as an outright opponent. At about the same time, your husband will finally start to get a whiff that's something's  amiss -- generally, they are incredibly slow to catch on to any conflict. That's when it starts to shape up to be an all out war.

But right now, you may still have the benefit of surprise on your side. Maybe they don't expect you to do anything but follow their plans. So if you subtly start making YOUR plans before SS gets to call the shots, you can maybe shift things your way without them even knowing you're doing it.

When they're 12, this is annoying. When your skid is 20-something, and then 30-something, this dynamic becomes completely unmanageable because they are clever enough to get around SM by manipulating daddy. Then the war actually produces casualties. So now is the time to set a new pace about who's steering the ship in your house and you can try this edging out and see if you can get it past your husband.

My DH was a coddler when we first lived together - SD was only 2, so it was understandable in many ways, but over the course of the next year, I made sure he toned it down. I think she was around 4 years old the last time we had a major fight about it. I was sick of going out together and trailing behind them while they held hands. I told him I get it, she's young, but I'm his wife and I'm constantly being made to feel like a third-wheel. I also pointed out that ALL the other kids in the mall with their parents were running ahead or trailing behind while the parents walked together. He couldn't deny it at that point, it was all around him. 

I told him I obviously have NO problem with him putting her SAFETY first - hold her hand across the road. But when we're in an enclosed, safe space, we should use that time to reconnect ie. hold hands, chat, etc. while she trails alongside us like a child because that's normal. I also addressed things like sitting on the couch. Since that major fight, he's been super good about it. He always tells her to get lost if we're cuddling and she tries to intervene. He tells her to walk ahead when we're out. He tells her wives and husbands need time to cuddle and hold hands. 

He gets it now. Because I made sure to point out all of the situations that were really unfair and reminded him that wife and husband need to be head of the household together - not husband and daughter while stepmom trails behind. He's never let her pick the restaurant and things like that, though, so maybe that's why we had an easier time transitioning to the way we are now. He always knew that adults pick the restaurant, TV show, etc. and kids can live with the choice. 

Aside from her birthday and being at the food court in the mall, I can't remember a single time we've asked SD where she wanted to go out to eat. It just never occurs to either of us because going out to eat costs $60-$100 average for the 4 of us, so why wouldn't we choose where we want to go when it's coming out of our wallets? That would drive me nuts lol 

Vacations with the skids were pure hell for me too. Especially the first two, since it was before I had any idea what a vacation with DH and the skids would be like. We did everything the skids wanted to do and they were utterly chaotic. My input didn't matter or was shut down quickly by the skids and DH would agree. DH would also just not hear complainy whiny kids, so it was absolute hell.

I had many honest conversations with DH about it and this was our compromise. We did a kid vacation where we did everything they wanted to do. I had no say, but I also didn't plan it at all. It was all on DH alone to manage and pick everything, so he was the one to deal with all the frustrations. I just put on my headphones and went for the ride. Then, we had an adult vacation, no skids and DH was not allowed to guilt me into feeling bad about not taking them on vacation with us.

I get your pain. SD was very clingy. It made me uncomfortable at home and out when she would hang on him. So, I let it happen. I never sat on the couch with DH, I sat in an armchair. It was like they were a couple and it made him uncomfortable. I also let SD hold his hand while we were out together. I walked in front or behind them, like I wasn't with them. She was a teen at the time. I'm sure it looked pretty awkward from an outsiders perspective. DH nixed a lot of her behaviors eventually.

I had the same problem with “adult” skids. DH walking with them while I trailed behind. Constant “memory lane “ stories that excluded me. 

After one particularly bad day that included DH actively excluding me, I lost it.  Might not have been the best approach but DH got the message loud and clear. 

After that, and when we were both calm and rational, we came up with a plan to make sure the other person was ok when we were with family or in other groups. It works for us, and I try to remind DH that it’s important to me just st prior to the event to eliminate the “I forgot” excuse. 

You must make your position clear to DH and ask for what you need. If he agrees and complies, great. If he doesn’t, then you need a plan of action to take care of yourself. 

OMG this is my life! Except for the tv..my future husband does watch televison with me and tries to include me, but future SS insists on sitting next to him everywhere we go..I could go on but you described most of my life..looking forward to reading the responses here. I handle this well the majority of the time becuse future SS ( wedding is soon) stays with BM part of the week. My future DH has a bad case of guilt and overcompensation from the divorce with the BM.

i know exactly how you feel and when i bring it up to DH, i am told that i am being unreasonable.   SD (25) gets away with anything but if i dare say one word to DH, its obvious who has priority.   She is never wrong, the rest of the world is.   He will tell me that "one day i will tell her what she did was wrong".....ok hold up.   You just admitted she was wrong but don't have the balls to tell her?   Yet take it out on me?   Whenever we go anywhere, she has to get next to him so that i am in the back.  Well i just haul ass and get to the front.    then i get "why are you ignoring us?".     

It really did used to be this way with me. My wife would always love going on these child centric trips to amusement parks with her daughter, but as my bond with the daughter is near non-existent, I was just a dude at an amusement park that couldn't ride anything, and was following my wife around in 90 degree weather while she went on snoopy rides.

I gave up on that a long time ago. I don't go to a single outing that involves activities with stepdaughter. I just don't like it. Since my own child was born, however, I haven't been just staying at home alone. I have a very strong bond with my biological child, and take them out when my wife takes her's out. I'm not preventing bonds from forming or alienating my wife, I just really love this time I have with the baby absent my stepchild.