You said it..a 5 year old being coached. Your SD does like you, and the reason these women find it offensive for you to be titled "SM" is b/c they are insecure with their relationship with their own daughter/grand daughter. So they do hurtful things to you, to make themselves feel more important.

I remember my dh's ex told ss that her new bf of 3 weeks was his "other dad" but I wasn't a SM until dh and I got married. It was just a way for her to try to push my buttons, and believe me, she wanted it to work.

Does this get easier? Well, if you can toughen up your skin, and don't ever worry about what they say about you...well then yes it will get easier. If you don't place value in what they say, then who cares what they say? If you worry about the hurtful things that jealous women do, then it is not going to be easier.

I know you want a wonderful happy relationsip with your sd, but mom does not want that. Your sd will feel pressure to appease her mom, by not liking you. I use to get really upset about my ss talking trash about me, it hurt no doubt, and I saw a therapists and he said "Candice, you need to get over it by feeling sorry for your ss. There are people that are using your ss to hurt you, and you should feel sorry for your ss that adults are using him as a pawn.." That is how you toughen up your skin, and just don't worry about it..I know easier said then done...

Tyra don't feel bad for expressing your feelings in their truest form. That's what this site is all about. "Where stepparents come to vent", right? That's our motto!

If you read some of the posts chronologically, you'll see all of the various stages of emotions: initial rage, shock, devastation, profound hurt, betrayal, disappointment, confrontation, resolution, understanding, peace etc.

Bring it on in its rawest form - we can handle it. Don't feel as though you have to give us the sanitized, PC version. We're in the trenches, too. We know how petty things can be magnified so much in stepfamily life (we've had weeks long major drama over a 39 cent stamp???!!??) No one else understands this stuff if they are not a part of it.

We're like the Statue of Liberty - "Bring us your underappreciated, maligned, unfairly talked about, used and abused, ignored stepparents...OK, maybe that's not what it says but something like that, though!

Believe me I thought about running away many, many times too. All our feelings of hurt and anger over step life styles are way to overwhelming at times. Your 5 yr old is still very young, stay nice, be friends w/her and love her or care for her. As she gets older she'll know the truth about things and know who are the people that cares about her. She'll know who was wrong and who was right. Don't let the ex or her mother bother you. They'll say & do things to upset you and the more you show you are upset & angry the more the satisfaction to them. Just say "fine" end of story. Don't talk about it after that, they'll get so irritated by that they'll want to have the last word....but you won't let them. Maintain the friendship w/your SD and be strong, you'll win at the end. Don't waste your energy over those 2 heartless people.

-happy mom

Thank you for being so honest and sharing your feelings with us.

I am also a biomom along with being a step parent. I never had to send my kids to my exs house because he wasn't interested. I was just as happy because he drank far too much and I would have been concerned with their safety. If they would have had to do this, I would not have felt comfortable not because I would be worried that my kids would like the the new GF, not because I would be jealous, not for any other reason than the feelings posted right here. Step parents don't have as much tolerance, patience or love for step children as they do their own. I know because I am one. Step parents seem to identify a higher ratio of problems in the sks, some of it being normal behaviour or not unusal variants from this behaviour for a child their age. I am very glad that I didn't have to deal with these issues. Being a step parent is not easy, the feelings of parenting are not replicated and it is very hard on kids. Having said that, my stepmom side understands and appreciated on all the posts here....I just think that we need to take the time to remember there are others besides ourselves who are hurting in these situations and they have no control over what transpired for them.

I am so thankful for your honesty and I agree, if other BIO MOMS at least had your honesty the world world would be better. But most of us onthis site are not dealing with BIO MOMS like you, who at least loves Timmy, Loves being a mom for Timmy and see Timmy as MORE than a PAWN or PAYCHECK. You truly have genuine love for your son, it shows in your typing. The BIO MOM I am dealing with, literally said this about 6 months ago, since we would like custody reversed. She receives $3000.00 a month in child support and although they have JOINT Custody on paper, she has physical custody. Well because of her undying parental love for her 2 kids, her offer was she would exchange the kids that day, if my hubby continued to pay her $3000.00 a month and she would go to seeing the kids everyother weekend, but she still wanted the money.
This is the type of women MOST of us on this site are dealing with, not LOVING honest momslike yourself. Stay the way you are, you provide all us EVIL STEP MOMS with motivation as to how a REAL GENUINE BIO MOM could be.

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

Just remember that whatever you are called (First name or SM), or not called, it's the stepmother's issue. I've seen women who've been divorced 20 years and still haven't moved on. Be thankful the child is only 5. There is a good chance that she will grow up to recognise the manipulation. If she were 12+, well that may be another story. In the meantime, and because you are sensitive (I see why), I would distance myself from the stepmother in every way. It's the only way you can control your feelings about her. When the child comes to visit and mentions her mother, don't get into discussions about her mother with her in any way, just listen and then divert the conversation elsewhere. It's a recipe for disaster otherwise. The little girl will soon learn that nothing negative will be said about her mom, but that when she comes do your place she does not bring her life from home into your place and vice versa.

We can't control what other people do, but we can control how we react. I know others may not agree, but I think that being a great "stepmom" is highly wrought with stereotypes. After all, that's where the fairytale wicked stepmother image was born. Point is, it's not going to matter how nice or accommodating you are to SD or BM, BM may well find something to criticise you about and SD will be influenced by BM, because she's the BM. After all, isn't it human nature that we don't really want another woman minding our bio-child? And we can try to fight nature - but in the end it doesn't work. Distance!!!! Good luck : )

Oops...I meant distance yourself from BM in every way!

Since this seems to be the beginning of effective alienation, maybe you can try to combat it positively by having skid come up with something new to call you aside from your name. It could be a fun brainstorming session. "StepMom" is so impersonal anyway. Come up with something fun. It'll be a bonding experience and a special nickname from skid. Maybe you can come up with a cool nickname for skid while you all are at it.

Make some lemonade sweety!

the first wife. I have to listen to my 5 year old SD refer to me as a bimbo and I don't think she came up with that herself. Despite the childish behavior of my husband's second wife, I do not retaliate.

If using one's child as a pawn to attack someone who has done NOTHING to you isn't acting like a bimbo, then I don't know what is.

I don't bad mouth either BM in front of the kids because I am more worried about the kids welfare than their own Moms are. Skids Moms may do certain things well, but when it comes to this issue I am the better parent. Notice I didn't say step.

// Susanna

I have more to say about this BM telling step mom's to sit down....
Ok this BM of 2 & STEP MOM of 2 would glady sit down and this is what you MS. BM of the 2 step kids need to do so that I can sit down.

Typical Day in our household of 6. Kids 8th, 7th, 6th and 5th.

You BM need to get up at 5:00 am, see Hubby leaves to go to work at 5:45 and in order for me to stay this wonderful size 6 that I personally like on me ( I guess bc I am a BIMBO) I need to go and jog the neighborhood, and someone who is an adult needs to be at the house with the kids. So please arrive on time.
When I return from jogging, I then quickly take a hot shower, brew coffee, make sure that the 4 backpacks that were placed at the front door the previous night are still at the front door. I am now sending Hubby out the door, with something between a kiss and a push out of the door. I am now trying to take out all breakfast items, you know that meal that you cook in the morning, it's not Strudels, Cereal, or Caffeine drinks that you seem to feel KIDS need, this is the real thing.
Because I have 2 kids that are morning kids and 2 that are not, I now have to decided which of the 2 non-morning kids I will awaken first to begin the morning off with a GREAT start.
I now am supervising that 4 kids have BRUSHED their teeth, you know those weird things someone invented years ago, well it's called a toothbrush and it just seems to work wonders, you might want to invest in one of those at your house. So Faces have been washed, teeth have been cleaned, beds have been made, breakfast has been ate, I have 3 girls and 1 boy, I don't care how old your child is, you always have to HELP with hair, 2 of the girls I do all of the work to their hair, flat iron, place clips in it, etc, the 8th grader I provide assistance, place the ponytail in centered, etc.
So now we are putting on clothes, you see BM, I don't wait UNTIL the day of school to IRON clothes, with 4 kids in the house you would iron all day, this is a Sunday night ritual for me, to gather all clothes (uniforms) for the week and iron and hang them all, BUT I am soooooo hateful, why do I , why would I do this for Skids, I guess because if I don't , it won't get done from BM, she apparently has been inflicted with APHRO-IRON-ITIS, (made up ladies, don't go look this ailment up) she is scared of the iron (I guess because she never seems to iron the kids clothes)
OH remember I was asked why don't STEP MOMS just sit down, well if you've been keeping up with this day, Hubby is at work he left at 5:45 am, so who is going to get the SKIDS to school, well I guess hateful, mean spirited, STEP-MOM will, so Bio daughters 8th and 6th are in the same junior high, so off to school they go, I now drive 45 minutes, yes 45 minutes away to drop off SD at her junior high and SS at his elementary, Now back home I go, because their is this place that will be looking for me called a JOB!!!!!!!
So I woke up at 5:00 am, it's now 9:00 am and off to the real place I go where I at least earn a pay!
Somewhere between 2:30 and 3:30 Hubby is doing the same thing in reverse, I got mornings he has afternoons, His job is to over see the completeion of all homework and assignments, see in our household we feel a child's education is of worth, and unlike you who feels that "If they fail then so what, they are only hurting themselves" per your quote out of your own mouth. I guess I better go sit down so that I can witness how productive your children will be as adults, bcause that is great MANTRA...we should all be using that one, did you get an award for being parent of the year?
So now I have arrived home from work, it's 6:30 in the evening, kids have had snacks but no meal, homework is complete, and everyone is doing their thing so that I can cook un-interrupted. BUT gosh 4 kids haven't seen me all day, so as I am boiling potatoes, roasting chicken, tossing a salad, I have to hear about each persons wonderful or not so wonderful day, and I have this thing called a conversation, you know you ask a question, they respond, you ask another question they respond again, it tends to work better than your way of conversing with your own kids, I think the Sunday phone call went like this, you asked "how was your day" SD said "Fine" you said "ok well see you Monday". Wow!!!!!, and then you wonder why she tells me more, I don't think she tells me more, I think she knows I have interest.
So it's now 7:00-7:30 pm and my family, yes MY FAMILY and I are sitting down to a hot meal, after dinner, one of the kids clears the table and the others help with dishes, see I tend to like a clean house, it's just amazing, when you tend to keep a clean house you tend to NOT have roaches, mice, diseases.
So at 8:00 pm all 4 kids start on baths, I am checking the homework that hubby has supervised, reading notes, marking our family hallway calendar with upcoming kids events, trying to have somewhat of a convo with Hubby. 9:00 pm we tuck in kids, say good night, say prayers, and breathe a sigh of relief that we made it through another day.
But oh it's not over yet, we go check our emails to pay bills, see what the real world is doing today, and we have oh on avearage I guess somewhere betwwen 6-10 emails from you MS BM, who somewhere in the course of the day has found the time, to BITCH and MOAN about all things stupid to mankind, that UPSET you about the kids when you had them in your care Mon-Thurs morning. This is just amazing to me, who has time to sit and do this if they are caring for their kids?
So to all of you BIO MOMS who wish us STEP MOMS would step down, step-out, step-aside, and LET YOU raise your kids, WELL this is one STEP MOM that would say Please Please Please come over to my house and start doing the stuff I do daily so that I can Step ASIDE!!!! And until you are able to walk in my shoes, don't you dare tell me what I need to do as a step mom to your kid when you are not there!!!!!
Be Thankful I give a Darn!

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

I think everyones situation varies soo much. For me, my ex is living with the woman he left me for. He is a complete disappointmemnt as a father (7 overnights for the kids in a year and a half). He only lives 20 minutes from my home.
I know I have alot of resentment for her. No, they are not married and I have no idea if they are planning on it or not. But if they do, I will have an extremely hard time with it. I don't think it would bother me if we simply couldn't work everything out and it was an amicable split but that was not the case.

Add to that the fact she is only 26 which is how old I was when I married my ex. She is closer to my daughters age than his.
It is so hard for me to think of her playing house with my children. But like I said, I know each one of our situations are different. My ex and his girlfriend have not tried to facilitate a caring relationship between each other.
I have full custody which I am thrilled about. I have to address the bitterness I read about when it pertains to the amount of support. I was with my ex from the beginning, when he first started building his career. I have always stayed home with my kids which we both ageed was important. Now that he is makig a fortune partly due to my supporting him, I am not entitled to comfortable living for my kids and myself? I get 23,000.00 a month between spousal and cs and you better believe I will drag him back to court every year to get it raised. My kids and I are entitled to save and put money away for college. It is not for her to exploite.

Sorry this was a bit all over the place.
This is just my situation and my perspective.

How about this- since BM and DH were never married, and she got "knocked up" after they broke up, and DH and I have a child we share together and ARE married....AND, Bm moved in with her next bf 2 weeks after meeting him, they don't plan on EVER being married, AND they are swingers...wouldnt that make HER the bimbo?

Granted, Im blonde, thin, and good looking (all of which she is not)...but I have self-respect, self-esteem, a college education, and am in the course of my FIRST and only marriage with DH (and it is his FIRST marriage as well)...(all of which BM does not have)....so obviously I MUST be a total bimbo, floozy, or tramp, correct?

OH I guess b/c BM stopped taking birth control to try and save a failed relationship, that is a mistake that *I* made at some point? *I* must atone for that, for falling in love and marrying and having a child with a man who did NOT have another family. FURTHERMORE, *I* am the only "bimbo" that has been around SD in the past 3 years. Other than BM that is

All I have to say is that DH married you and who cares if BM looks perfect? I know it's hard but DH is with you now. Try not to feel insecure because no good comes of it. I know it's easier said than done. My ex is married to a woman who is 11 years younger than me, and she is gorgeous. I love her and we get along great. I could be jealous but why bother? There is no point in competing. BM is older than me and very jealous. She puts the kids in the middle of that and it hurts them.

iam so SO SO glad i found that post because iam going through the same exact thing at this very moment..but different circumstances..see my SD6 BM was uninvolved in my SDs life for the entire 2 years that me and her dad have been together, so I basically filled the role of BM because SD had no BM. Well up until recently BM has taken us back to court AGAIN to try and gain custody AGAIN..shes an ex felon, young dumb and stupid..has 3 kids with 3 different fathers. has a habit of straightening out then messing up awhile later again..so before she got involved as i stated in a previous post..my SD would cry at night..begging me to let her call me "mommy"..and I told her that we didnt want to hurt her mommys feelings but that we could come up with our own special name that meant mommy to us..so she came up with one and i accepted it and loved it when she called me that..well now her BM has unsupervised visits and my SD goes over there for 9 hours every other weekend.. so imagine fulfilling this low lifes shoes for 2 years..and being a happy complete little family..and she comes walking back in wanting things to go back to her being mommy..i cant just back down all together and let her be mommy..ive been doing this role to long..so tonight we picked up SD and my BF asked her why she calls me **** ( her nick name for mommy) and what it means to her..and she goes " I call her ****, because shes my *****" and my boyfriend goes well what does **** mean? and she says, oh I meant it means **** ( my name instead of mommy). and he asks her well why cant you call her mommy and she goes because itll hurt mommys feelings...this little girl has been begging me, even when her BM was involved in her life to call me mommy..and now all of a sudden she doesnt want to call me that any more..crushed me so bad..hurt so bad..i cried the whole drive home.. but i realized that when she gets older she will probably have the same resentments that I have for my own BM..because she use to talk so much smack about my dad who was raising me without her help and I hated her for it..because my dad did a great job with me...and of course your BF or husband doesnt understand what your going through its their biological child..which makes it even more difficult..does it get any better? you just got to keep loving the child and proving the other party wrong..

To the anonymous BioMom that delivered amazing insight in this thread....

How do we (the step-mom) fix this? Is it even possible? I don't want 'you' to feel insecure or unhappy. I truly don't because if you are unhappy, it has a domino effect that topples down on 'me'.

It causes 'Timmy' to feel confused and disloyal which in turn causes him years of pain...

Which in turn causes his father to be unnaturally protective to excuse 'Timmy's' negative behaviour as a result of this pain...

Which in turn causes us to argue about 'Timmy'...

Which in turn causes 'Timmy' to become an entitled child who learns to manipulate all the adults in his life...

Which in turn causes 'Timmy' to grow up never learning how to treat the people who love him with respect and never learning how to love...

Although causing pain to the 'ex' might sound deliciously revengeful (I do get that)...

In the end, the only person it truly hurts longterm, is 'Timmy'.

So.....is there anything we, the step-mom, can do....?

And to Tyra....

This is just beginning and I caution you...

In grade school, when someone felt left out, what did they do? They started a rumour about the person they felt caused them this insecurity in an attempt to pull the group away from that person.

If you let your step-child's mother put that 'wedge' between you and your step-child/husband, you will suffer a much worse fate longterm.

And most importantly.....she will have accomplished what she set out to do.

Sometimes it helps just to be honest....

"It really hurt my feelings when you stopped calling me stepmom and that caused me to react badly with you....but...it's not your fault. I bet you're feeling confused too. You already have a mom and I know you love your mom. I also know you love me and I've decided that that is all that matters. I wanted you to know that so you can relax and we can just enjoy being whatever we want to be to each other, okay?'