I am FURIOUS with BM
This weekend was pretty good with the SS's 10/11. They did things with friends, sleepovers, festivals, sports etc. My SS10 was asked by a friend if he would like to attend an activity with him and his family today, since today is a day off from school. BF calls BM, who was away with her daughter, to see if SS could go. BM says I'll talk with the mother Sunday night when I get back.
BF speaks with the mother and relays the message. The mother says, do you think it would be okay to phone her cell because I need to pre purchase tickets for the event. BF says sure.Mother calls BM on Saturday.
Because BM is non communitive, BF calls the mother Sunday night to ask if there were any plans because SS was curious to know if he was going and BF wanted to know if it made any sense to drop SS10 at the friends house instead of BM's. The mother told BF that BM said it was okay for him to go and that they were picking up SS10 at noon. We relayed the message to SS10 who was very excited about the event.
Our routine at our home on a day off from school is to let the SS's sleep in, have a leisurely breakfast, get ready for the day and I return them back to BM's around 11:00am. Which is what happened with SS10. He got up, watched a little TV and played the Wii. SS11 got up early to jog with a friend so he could be ready for a meet on Wednesday and his friends mother brought him back to BM's home.
At 10:40am BM calls the house (the conversation is being taped on the answering machine) and speaks with SS10 to find out what time he will be home because his friend was coming over at 11:00am to pick him up. SS10 says, SM said that he was being picked up at 12. BM says, I don't know why she is getting involved, I'm the one who made the plans. BM asks him what he was doing and he said he was plays on the Wii. BM then says well do you want me to cancel your plans? He said no. BM says, I have to make sure you have money and are dressed. BM says well, we have a Wii at home. SS10 sounded so sad when he hung up the phone with her. 
I called the friends mother and asked her again what time they were picking SS10 up at BM's. She says to me noon or a little after, and then they were going to do lunch and then the event. While SS10 is standing there, I repeated the time again. As I hung up, I apologized for the confusion with BM.
After I hung up, I looked at SS10 and said "your mother just lied to you". :jawdrop: I also said that all his mother needed to do was call you and say I want to spend some time with you before you go out with your friends.
We pull into BM's driveway and SS10 looks at me and says, well I guess my friend is 15 minutes late! :O
So I said to him, maybe shouldn't say anything to BM and see what story she comes up with next 
but I'm sure your friends mother called BM to make sure BM had the times correct because that's the kind of person she is. And he agreed.
BM and SD12 are standing outside the front door and SD12 says we were just ready to leave. BM says to SS10 (first makes a stupid comment about the over night bags) well I just spoke to your friends mother and I guess your'e gonna eat lunch there, if you even go now. }:)
This is the same stupid bitch who says "he only has reflux disease at BF house because there is so much stress there"
Does anyone have this type of manipulation going on with BM and skids? How do you handle this shit? I'm so frustrated over how she uses these kids to gain some control. When I left there I was so angry, hurt and ready to cry.
After I hung up, I looked at
After I hung up, I looked at SS10 and said "your mother just lied to you...
So I said to him, maybe shouldn't say anything to BM and see what story she comes up with next
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am still floored that you said this to a 10 year old...
I guess I am not too sure
I guess I am not too sure what the issue is. That bm told him friend was picking him up at 11am instead of 12? What's the big deal? Maybe she just meant that friend was picking him up soon and she wanted him home to make sure he could get ready, etc. Is there a court order saying he doesnt come home til a certain time? I think it is reasonable if he is being picked up by a friend at noon and she hasnt seen him for several days-that she might like to see him for an hour and make sure he is ready and so forth for his day with his friend. I dont really see this as any sort of manipulation. She just wanted to make sure he was home in time and ready.
I could also see where she might resent you for becoming involved. In the first phone call-she said she would call the mom and arrange it-which evidently she did or the mom called her, but they evidently talked and arranged it. There was really no reason for you or your dh to become involved in plans and maybe she was feeling resentful that you all called this woman when she said she'd take care of it and then for you to call her again over an hour time difference-this friends' mom must think you all are crazy.
I also think it was inappropriate that you told this kid that his mom just lied to him.
One of the biggest lies I had
One of the biggest lies I had to deal with BM and SD over was SD's college account. There was an account set up when XH and BM were married, and put money into regularly.
Because I'm resourceful, I always had access to it. When SD came to live with us FT, it had about $10K in it. (Not a whole lot, but still...)
Magically, amazingly, BM told SD no such account existed.
Grrr. But she owns 3 homes. Go figure.
When SD told me that, I think I damn near bit my tongue off!
Thank you Echo. I'm so
Thank you Echo. I'm so frustrated over my situation and maybe I said the wrong thing, but it's sad that I can't vent how I feel on a site that I thought was where I could do that.
Wow, all of that over one
Wow, all of that over one hour.
If I were the mom,I wouldn't invite SS to any other events.
I'd tell my kid to invite a friend without all the family drama.
Ya know, Blueswan has always
Ya know, Blueswan has always been really nice and supportive. It's possible she had just reached her limit and said something she maybe shouldn't have. Can any one of us say we've always said or done the right thing? She's not on here always making negative comments. Maybe we could cut her a little slack because she's human. Maybe even be a little supportive? I could see if she was a troll, but she's not. Just my opinion.
I think she may leave the site because this isn't the first time she's gotten a lot of negative feedback.
My SD is home sick from
My SD is home sick from school again today. She has been having stomach aches and throwing up/diarrhea. I text her Mom to let her know my MIL is taking her to the Doctor and she has the audacity to say to me "You need to watch what you are feeding her or maybe your water is bad." Is she freaking serious?!! LOL!!! We all eat the same food and drink the same water and SD is the only one who is sick. Then she tells me "SD was fine when she was at my house" REALLY BM?? Because you told DH that you were keeping her home from practice last week when she was with you because her stomach was still hurting her. She is such an idiot I swear. Turns out the Doctor thinks SD might have an ulcer. I wouldn't doubt it with all the drama BM puts everyone through. BM called the police to SD's grandmas home last week when she was sick telling the cops it was her day to get SD and MIL was keeping her from her. Turned out BM wasn't supposed to get SD for another 2 days. I swear these women are PSYCHOTIC!
Thanks for your comment. It
Thanks for your comment. It seems like a lot of people responding have non psychotic BM's have no idea what it's really like. I wish life were that easy!
I am not saying that your bm
I am not saying that your bm may not be psychotic-it just doesnt sound as if she was in this situation-IMO, it sounds more like you were psychotic and I dont mean to be mean, but you seem way overinvolved. I have known my ss for 12 years and he lived here ntil he was 9 and I have never called to verify any sort of plans he had on his bm's time. Not my business, kwim? This is just a very small thing to get upset about and to make a statement to your ss that his bm was lying over such an insignificant thing is just not good.
Ok..stupid question, but what
Ok..stupid question, but what is kwim? I keep seeing it and can't figure it out.
know what I mean?
know what I mean?
Ohhhhh thanks! Apparently I
Ohhhhh thanks! Apparently I didn't know what she meant! LOL
I think she may leave the
I think she may leave the site because this isn't the first time she's gotten a lot of negative feedback.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is a cop out. If she is getting a lot of negative feedback…maybe it should give here something to think about. Everyone can’t be wrong but her.
All I am saying is that sometimes negative feedback is a good thing if it makes the poster see how they may be doing something wrong to a child. JMHO
I'm in no way saying
I'm in no way saying everybody should agree with everybody. There are just ways of saying you're wrong without being mean...that's what my post was about.
First, I am sad for SS who
First, I am sad for SS who may not be invited on outings with friends because the amount of family drama. Second, it is sad and terrible that BM didn't just communicate that she was picking him up a little before the event. Third, it is heart breaking that you have been in the situation and are so frustrated that you said something like that to your SS.
Most important, though, I want to say that I hope Calgon is wrong and you don't leave the site over negative feedback. I think the best thing we can do to support each other is to give honest feedback on situations. If all we ever do is support each other's behavior, none of us will ever be able to look honestly at our own actions. It can cause marital strife and damage to our children and step-children if we act in a manner that is not ok and it is never challenged because we are so busy being supportive.
I have only recently found this site, and I really like a lot of things about it, but one of the primary things I like about on-line forums is that I can come get honest advice from others. People IRL are often too close to the situation to say, hey seeingitfrombothsides- you really screwed up in your interaction with ex-husband/sk/bm/sm. I need that, definitely as much as I need support. Really, isn't giving honest feedback about a situation actually supporting someone anyway?
Our situation is very
Our situation is very complicated with BM. She successfully PAS'd my SD12 and she is now totally estranged from BF. The Judge stated the last court date that if BM continues this behavior she will lose custody of her children.
What appears to sound innocent or no big deal to some on here, is not. These skids are afraid that if they don't listen to BM, they know she is capable of anything. For instance, we took SS to a movie. In the car he felt he had to stay quiet and not tell his siblings or BM, because if he wanted to go again with BM and siblings, and she found out...she would walk out of the theater.
Another time, I took the skids to the movies and on the way there BM called SD cell phone. SD put it on speaker, the skids said they were going to the movies with me and BM was pissed off and told them they would need to stay home and wash toilets on their day off from school.And they were 6,7 and 8 years old.
I was wrong for the way I handled it. I did turn to the site to get affirmation that I was not alone and that I wanted advice on how to deal with this shit. BM being the shit.
It is great to receive constructive advice but when people come on with their holier than thou attitudes and act as if they walk on water...it doesn't become helpful, it beomes bashing. I have been looking at other postings and blogs, and their are some people who just tear the shit out of people when they are looking for support.
There is enough crap going on in my life without more shit being dumped.
I can agree with having
I can agree with having enough crap and not wanting to be dumped on... I think everyone's lives are much more complex than what they are able to post on a message board. Besides, when you posted your post had you already realized that what you said to SS was wrong? If you did, then you probably should have known there was going to be some negative feedback. If you didn't, the feedback served the purpose that it intended, to say that was wrong.
I think many of us struggle with wording, especially on-line when communication is stunted by only being our words anyway. A lot of people probably understand your situation and realize that you were overwhelmed, but still wanted to say, Hey Blueswan, do you realize that you just did the same thing that BM has been doing, don't let her pull you into that crap, friend!! Others, probably don't pay any attention to who the poster is and just respond. In that case, they were only responding to this particular situation, and we are all wrong sometimes.
(((Hugs))) I hope you stick around, I know I for one really need feedback from a lot of individuals and I would miss your input (even when I don't want to hear what I have done wrong.)
You're not alone with the
You're not alone with the stress or reacting poorly at times. Life goes on. And on. And on.
oh for goodness sake she made
oh for goodness sake she made a mistake and she even said so. It won;t happen again she got the mess leave her alone! I am sure that everyone of you have made a mistake when it comes to the skids! She is not the only one that has done or say something she regrets!
now back to the bm that lied to her own child! that was not cool either! Op when it comes to little lies like that just leave it alone ok. soon the kid will figure it out and them she will be the bad guy not you b/c at this point you are the bad guy for pointing it out.
I agree with Purple -- she
I agree with Purple -- she said something, probably wasn't the greatest thing to say, but can't take back words.... This sounded like a very confusing situation, the blog wasn't clear on whether SS was being picked up at Dad's house, or had to be taken back to BM's house to get picked up or what exactly was going on with that.
But what caught my attention was this: As the blog goes, there were TWO TIMES BM was saying something to the effect of "do you want me to cancel it" and "if you even end up going"
What was THAT all about?? Sounds to me like she wasn't thrilled in the least that SS was going to go do something with a friend, and let SS know by dropping the (not-so) subtle comments about NOT going. Talk about guilting the kid...
I have to agree; when dealing
When is enough enough?? why do we as SM allow ourselves to get abused like this....I don't allow MY OWN KIDS to act like that or think something that is not true; I wouldn't hesitate with my kids. I can also see the other side that no matter what happens you are not supposed to say anything about the bio parent to the kid......i get that - because they will only end up hating you. But it hurst sometimes......
I think Criticism is good - I get it all the time!! whether I agree w/ it or not is up to me
I can bet that the same people that Criticize "make mistakes too".......it is hard to get the whole story out and tone of voice on-line!
Shrug it off...........
Thanks Ripley and the others
Thanks Ripley and the others who responded in supporting me and giving me some slack. Reading some of your responses really touched me emotionally. I really needed that.
I just think there are ways to express our opinions without rudeness. I feel that it only adds drama and chaos to an already bad situation, the natural response is to become angry and or shut down. Thankyou for keeping me going and not having me lose touch with people who really do care.
Well, SS10 did end up going to the event and his friends mom called me to tell me both the boys would be on t.v. So I DVR'd it and saved it for when he comes over tomorrow. He's gonna love it!