You start out saying you married a wonderful man, then go on to describe someone who is awful. What's so wonderful about a spouse who is only interested in you when he wants sex????

You can't make your husband parent the way you think he should. If the boy got away with disrespecting you as a young child, expecting things to change now that he's 16 is nuts.

It's kind of strange that you have an issue with dad being friends with his son, when you had/have the same type of relationship with the daughter

He never pays attention to you unless it's fer the bumpin' and grindin'?

That's a deal breaker right there. You should be getting way more out of a relationship than that.

Action Plan:

A. Stop talking to your dh about the boy. Zero. Zip. Nada. Let him fail. Who cares.

B. After a couple weeks of this tell your dh you want marriage counseling.

The reason I say give it some space before bringing up the counseling is so the message will be clear: the counseling is about the 2 of you, not about junior.

In counseling you should address with him your feelings of emotional neglect.

Your dh may not want to go to counseling. In that case, call the lawyer and move on with your life. I do not know how you can tolerate him touching you when he hasn't been wooing you during the rest of the day and generally being a very positive presence in your life.

What's to love about a man who only wants to use you for sex?

An attitude of "shut up, turn off the lights, and drop your drawers or get on your knees" wouldn't work for me.

If this has been going on for years and years and years why is it just now bothering you? Were you slow to notice that you were being treated as a free piece of ass?

There are plenty of men out there you can have sex with who won't drag all that other crap into your life.

Disengage. Totally. Don't clean up after the skid, or DH. Take care of your own laundry. Let them fend for themselves. Cut him off, 100% from any sort of bedroom activity. If he finally asks what's up, tell him you just absolutely have no sexual desire when the house is a disaster, but you aren't going to be their maid any more.

See what happens.

My SS didn't live with us but was here every weekend. I never tried to discipline him I felt that was up to his father and boy did I give him an earful of everything that was making me mad.
The kid just didn't care about anything that I had to say. Rules did not apply to him.
My DH would say "his bedroom stinks". Well if was fine before he arrived with the dirty clothes BM sent with him and the food that he would take in there even though I have a no food in the bedrooms rule.
It was very difficult raising my kids with a set of rules that didn't apply to this kid.
He too was failing school every single year but would go to summer school (that we paid for) and they would pass him through to the next year. I was the one calling the school and talking to them. DH and BM did not. I finally convinced DH that this kid was going to fail in life. DH went to school on numerous occasions, set up plans with the teachers for extra help for the kid but BM would never follow through. Well he graduated on time (don't know how) and he is now 20 still living at home, signed up for college, didn't go, worked full time for a few months and is now in another college and working part time.
Anyway getting back to the point of high school. Education was always a big thing with me and my kids so I was doing what I would have done and did for my kids. One day the light went off so I just stopped looking at the school website. I would check one time at the end/beginning of the semester, print it out and give it to DH. No discussion...just here it is deal with it or let your kid be a loser. I just simply had to stop caring about a situation that I had no control over.
Act happy even if you are not. This kid probably loves the power that he has over you because you care. Don't call the school any longer. Just quit caring so darn much. It will be hard but every time you want to peek and check you talk yourself right out of it.
My DH also thought that his kid could do no wrong. He probably thought that I was picking on him. Friends and family would say to me about how bad and out of control the kid was and that was because he was never disciplined, rules did not apply to him. I always though ROTC would help my SS but he wouldn't do it. Been there. I just muddled my way through. Give yourself a break. Ignore the kid and all of his non sense. Get a contractors trash bag and when you go through the house just keep filling the bag with everything that is laying around that he didn't pick up. If you are asked did you see this or that...just simply say I don't remember. Keep the trash bag in the basement or in the garage or what ever. It may work.

I actually find the more you disengage the more the parent steps up.

Seems to be when you are trying to speak to the parent about the kid they get defensive and just shut down. Only a real man would say thank you my beautiful wife you are correct. I'm sorry I will deal with it. No they choose to get defensive and attack you as they feel they are being attacked. And defend their child 100%.

I got better results when I backed off and let the parent see things for themselves and then choose to deal with it.

Start walking away and leaving them to themselves. Pick up the rubbish and dump it. He'll get the message loud and clear.