Hubs wants to discuss me and SD's relationship
I've been with H for 4 years, known SD for 3.
We started off well enough. We had a decent relationship, talked quite a bit, and did quite a bit together. Just before H and I got married, she flipped the script. She completely stopped talking to me. She stopped wanting to be around. She'd go behind my back and undo things that I helped her do or ask her mom to redo things I'd done (hair, nails, etc). It was frustrating but I blew it off because I really couldn't be bothered.
We found a name that she'd call me instead of calling me by my first name. She agreed on the name and liked it, so we stuck with it. It's a term of endearment and respect, so I thought fine. Now, a year later, she treats me with no respect and is not endeared to me at all. Last week, I asked that she start calling me by my first name again. I was annoyed with her calling me the previous name and felt it was just a fake name that meant nothing to her.
H is seriously upset about this. He thinks that our relationship is so tense and it bugs him. Honestly, I think it bugs him because I'm not taking on his responsibility anymore. He has to deal with her on his own instead of me taking over for him. Also, he hates the way her BM parents her. He wants me to step in and fill in the gaps where she is not doing what he thinks she should. I don't agree that this is appropriate. I'm not her mother, she doesn't want me involved in that way, and I will stay out of the way.
Anyway, me asking her to call me by my first name made him so upset that he wants all 3 of us to have a talk about our relationship going forward. I REALLY do not want a relationship with this kid. She's a snarky, manipulative child. There's nothing that endears her to others (no one that has met her has ever thought anything nice about her). I'm dreading this conversation. I already know what she's going to do - claim that everything's fine, nothing has changed, and cry her eyes out in hopes that daddy dearest takes her side. He always does.
Anyone else have a partner that insists the relationship with you and their child improve? How did you handle it?
I agree with your DH that you
I agree with your DH that you should have left the name thing alone. That seems like an immature reaction, and certainly isn't something that would in any way make your situation better.
Aside from that, your DH needs to realize that you can't force two people to like each other, no matter what circumstance they are in. You can certainly be civil to each other, and really that should be all that is expected. A good relationship would be a bonus, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. It also is not your role to be a fill-in parent to this child. You are married to her father. That is all. She has both a mother and a father who should be parenting.
I agree it could have been
I agree it could have been seen as immature.
I was super annoyed that day due to something she did to disrespect me. Why call me some endearing and respectful name if you aren't treating me as such?
in a perfect world we would
in a perfect world we would all get along like a nuclear family. I'm sure your DH wants nothing more than for you to "fill in the gaps" with his daughter and be a picture perfect family. I'm sure all parents want that for their blended family. Unfortunately a lot of these parents only hold their spouse to a particular standard when it comes to their kids and DO NOT hold their kids to any standards when it comes to interacting with their step parent. Relationships are a 2 way street. Both step parent and step kid have to actively work on it together with the bio parent (DH) facilitating and encouraging the process. Otherwise its just the step parent give, give and giving, not to mention tolerating... and the step kids just takes takes and takes more with manipulating.
My DH would love nothing more than for me to love and accept his child as if he was my own. I do accept him but do I love him? NO. This relationship is forced on both parts. DH always tells me that Im the adult here and I shouldn't take SS behavior personally. HA! OK. whatever. I take offense to anyone, kid or not that disrespects me directly or even in a passive aggressive manner. I understand DH holds me to a higher standard with me being the adult, but I always tell him, I wish he would hold his kids to a higher standard PERIOD.
OMG - my DH always used to
OMG - my DH always used to use that line - you are the adult and as such, you should try harder. That I shouldn't take their BS personally!!!!! Damn - I wish I knew about this site years ago!!!!!
That old chestnut is one of
That old chestnut is one of the many, many guilty/disney dad-isms.
You dont like my kids
You need to try harder
They're juuuuust kiiiiids
You worry too much
He/she is "just shy" (excusing his kid's rudeness)
If you have bios: "my kids may be axe murderers but YOUR kids forgot to cross a t." (double standards and apples to oranges)
My H says the same thing.
My H says the same thing. "She's just a kid. You're the adult, you should be the bigger person."
I agree...I accept her but I don't love her. She's made it hard for me to love her. When he and I talked last week, I told him that I was sick of being responsible for her bad behavior. He claims that he doesn't want to choose me over her or her over me but he always chooses her no matter if she is dead wrong. It's exhausting.
There is no way I would agree
There is no way I would agree to sit down and "have a talk" with the SD. Your DH doesn't realize that what he is doing is putting you on level with his child.
I learned to handle DH from
I learned to handle DH from SD. He only concerns himself with SD and myself when SD crabs that I won't do for her what I do for my own kids... Boo Hoo, she tells him when I'm not around (because I call BS when I see it), her life is so awful BM ignores her SF is mean, and now SM does this... poor COD... So, like SD, I started playing the victim card, I go over how badly SD has treated me, exaggerate a bit to get the point across, and tell him she doesn't even talk to me, I don't want to do XYZ for her, then I insist that if she wants XYZ done for her, then since he's her dad then he should do it for her, and if that doesn't work.. And sometimes it doesn't, I know very well he's too lazy to do XYZ for her, and he wants me to upstage BM, after all he has to win the best house competition... so he'll keep on about it... so I'll say you're right, poor SD has it so hard... I'll do XYZ for SD next time, but of course, next time never actually comes... But it passifies DH, and DH doesn't ever follow up, or even remember what I said in the first place, because voila! a week later SD gets over it, she wants nothing to do with me once again, and everything goes back to normal...I learned SD relies on DH forgetting. She makes him fake promises of good intentions all the time. She wants to crab about me, I'll use her own game against her.
Me? I would just let SD call me by the silly name, just to keep peace with my DH, you gotta at least pretend you like his kid, fake it if you have to, his kid is a part of him, and his pride. My SD is manipulative (I think it comes with being a girl and a skid), and mean to me, but she's not a terrible person, I can pick little things I like about her, and feed those to DH... But it doesn't mean I go out of my way for the brat, or enjoy being around her... also you shouldn't criticize her in front of him, if you have a problem with her dig deep and give him a couple of compliments about her, then go about it with just the facts.
The 3 of you do not need to
The 3 of you do not need to have a conversation, he needs to have a conversation with his daughter about her behavior and disrespect. I would not be attending.
My DH once hoped that I would "fill in the gap" where BM was lacking and I just told him, "I'm not her mother and it's really not fair to me or her to have to do that."
I did the manicure thing and other stuff occasionally and it just made my SD more aware of how much her mother DIDN'T do with her.
Stand your ground.
Well if you have the
Well if you have the "discussion" tell SD that you were wrong about the "first name" issue. She should now only call you "Mrs. DHname". She's not important enough to be on a first name basis with you.
Sometimes you need to let
Sometimes you need to let sleeping dogs lay. The name thing is probably one of those times. Rather than take exception to a long standing name she has called you and that you agreed to it is better to confront the actual behavior. That is something that both DH and the Skid can understand and you can easily defend.
If you keep the focus on SD’s behavior there is little DH or the kid can say. Confront the behavior and they are on the defensive rather than you appearing overly sensitive. I suggest that you tell DH that a talk will be fine. Then script your perspective and stay on message during the talk. They will not be nearly as prepared and if you focus on SD’s behavior rather than your feelings you will be the one in the driver’s seat during the discussion.
It works, give it a try. Do not get angry, do not allow them to tweak your butt on anything. Stick to your prepared notes, keep the focus on parenting and kid behavior, and give in on the name thing. No child will ever call me by my first name unless it is preceeded by Mr, Uncle, etc.... She can call you what she has always called your of she can call you Mrs. DH. Period. Explain that your feelings have been hurt but that you have worked through that and that the name that the two of you agreed on will remain in place. Then lead into the scripted focus of behavior on why your feelings were hurt and be firm that you will no longer tolerate disrespectful behavior from SD or failure to address that behavior by DH.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Just say "NO." No to the
Just say "NO."
No to the meeting
No to the nickname
No to the crap doled out to you
No to the expectations
DH just needs to step up and parent. You are a whole and complete person, not a fill in anything.
Yes, I know the name thing
Yes, I know the name thing may have been too trivial to address to many of you. It was not to me. Essentially, the name was WAY too much like 'mom'. Because she wanted to call me that, I said fine. Looking back on it, I should have not agreed to that. I should have suggested something more generic. Some of the younger kids in my life (with whom she's had interactions) have asked if I'm her mom and she is very clear that I am not, that I am her stepmother.
I didn't just ask her to not call me that name. She did something very disrespectful and rude to me. In addition to what she did to me, she lied to her dad about why she did it. At that point, I decided that there was no point in me being called 'mom'. After a year of being crapped on, I realized it had no meaning.
The talk was DH's idea. And yes, I am confronting the behavior. I look to him to address it, but he won't. He won't even hear/see her misbehavior because he chooses to be in la la land when she is around. It's easier for him to pretend she's a perfect angel while he ignores her. The meeting is so that I can let her know how she's been disrespectful and what I expect from now on. He is dead set on us talking.
Rags, I'm already doing my planning. I'm making notes...reading and re-reading the disengagement essay...I'm working on separating my feelings from what actually happened.
Regardless of the outcome, I'm going to suggest counseling for all of us (if she agrees - she never has).If she doesn't agree, I'm going to plan counseling for myself and my H.
I agree with Rags- have notes
I agree with Rags- have notes ready.
I would use this meeting to lay out my expectations for both of their behavior. If they want you to play nice, then SD needs to be respectful and helpful and DH needs to have your back. If they cannot do that, then you will be completely disengaging but still expect civility and respect. Reinforce you are not her mother and anything you do is at your own discretion.
Would DH agree to the two of you talking first to go over the above?
Remember the saying "Don't
Remember the saying "Don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answer to."
If someone wanted me to "participate in a discussion" the only way I would agree would be knowing that I would be 100% candid and pull no punches. In other words don't ask me to participate if you aren't willing to hear what I am going to say.
The chief reason that I choose to have virtually nothing to do with my SS is that I have 100% removed any censor. I would have NO problem spelling out what a worthless POS he is. He'd probably try to hit me and then not only would he go to jail (not new for him), but I would totally disown DH if he ever even spoke to him again.
This way with no interaction DH is still free to see him outside of our home.