Husband Being Secretive
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DH is pissing me off. He's hiding things from me. He's back in touch with his narcissistic mother. MW has complained to him about me jumping her ass for lying to me and causing commotion at my parents' house. All things he is upset about that I am not supposed to know.
We had this big, long, VERY shallow talk about what was bothering him. It was all work related. When I asked him what else it was he smirked and said, "Nothing." LIES.
He still hasn't fessed up. He told me that he was going to make a list of the things that bothered him and we'd talk about each one. Which really means that I need to mind my own business and he's still not going to tell me.
Why all of the hiding about his kid and his mom?
Because he wants to do what
Because he wants to do what he wants to do, without your interference?
Not that you are actually interfering, but if you're objecting to a pre-existing dynamic, he may see you as the problem.
I'm not familiar with your situation, but deception and disloyalty are dealbreakers for me. As for him making a list of things about you that bother him, O reelly? I'd be making a list of my own (momma's boy, sneak, liar, passive aggressive, lazy parent, etc) and reviewing both lists in a marriage counselor's office.
I knew the list was a cop out
I knew the list was a cop out to not be honest about whatever else is "bothering" him. Once he didn't talk about it at that point, I knew he'd never talk about it.
I'm not interfering with his pre-existing dynamic. I do object to him bringing our daughter around his narcissistic mother. She alienated him from his dad and DH's daughter from him. And I have been witness to her attempts to alienate SD from her mom. So, no, I am not a fan.
Totally agree with
Totally agree with Exjulie...could not have said it better!
My husband is secretive about
My husband is secretive about his family too. But it doesn't bother me much because they are all trash. And he knows deep down that is how I feel. So he doesn't want to tell me things because he knows I am right. But if you feel you are being lied to that is a whole other thing. I can not stand a liar. That sucks!
It’s like that here, too. DH
It’s like that here, too.
DH used to lie by omission more than anything, when I’d inquire about his parents, things regarding his parents and skid. Since I lothe lying, I just stopped asking altogether.
Speaking to a therapist opened my eyes to this being a matter of shame and guilt, in regards to their behavior and DH lying about it. Not to say lying is okay, but it was more of a coping mechanism with DH and having parents with huge character flaws.
I also think that DH knows
I also think that DH knows how I feel (and also knows the truth about his mom and daughter), so he chooses not to say most things about them because he knows I will not play nice about it. I either stay extremely neutral until he presses on and then I state my feelings.
He doesn't blatantly lie, but certainly lies by omission. I don't ask and he doesn't tell.
Ugh.....Men and their "other
Ugh.....Men and their "other women".
I now totally walk away from DH and his past women (BM and SD57). It's sickening how he walks on egg shells around them and tries to hide everything about them, like I don't already know after 38 years.
It's a circus....I don't hear any of it, what less listen to it. I just don't care any more. I am disengaged from it all. DH and I have our relationship and I shut him down immediately, when he starts the same ole' stories I've heard at least 1 ML times. I just say, "I don't want to hear it, I've heard it all a million times. Drop it."
My DH came as close as he will ever come to losing his happy home over the little white lies. If I ever find out what he and SD are chatting about, he's out, to her house, again. He knows I'm not bluffing. My DH has certainly taken notice in a very serious way; of course I expect the unexpected any day.
OP I totally get it. I am sorry you are going thru it. I wish I had the answer to your question about hiding about his kid and his mom. I've not figured out why my DH does the same thing with SD57.
I do believe momjeans' counselor has a point concerning guilt. My DH failed with his first marriage and his kids and feels guilty about other ways he led his life, long before he divorced, which was before I met him. My DH is narcissistic, therefore knows he is partially to blame for his past, but will never admit it, nor would he ever see a counselor concerning his guilt and lies. DH actually doesn't realize he is trying to sweep it all under the rug. I don't even try to fix it for him, it's not my problem. DH also acts like our marriage is from Mars, when it comes to SD, Ex, or any of his past in-laws. He is very much mentally attached to his past. It's so weird.
I move forward and my DH has improved, because we don't discuss any of it now.
You understand. Thank you.
You understand. Thank you. That's so validating. You were able to put into words what I have not been able to for years. The last paragraph really hits home.
He is guilty. He is guilty parenting his kid because of how she came about, because of who her mother is, and because of the things that have happened in her life.
He is dealing with guilt related to not talking to his mom because of her alienation tactics. He still feels he "should" talk to her because she is his mother, despite the fact that they are BOTH narcissists.
How do you manage to have such a long marriage with a man like this? DH and I have a BD and I couldn't stand to put her through what he and MIL have put SD through.
Sammigirl, you having an SD
Sammigirl, you having an SD who is 57 years old that is still a pain in your side is simply chilling! It obviously doesn’t just go away once they are 18. Poor, silly naive me! It’s a lifetime of aggravation and irritation and stress on the marriage it sounds like.
When I met DH, my SD was 19
When I met DH, my SD was 19 years old, so 38 years. Everyone's circumstances are different. Some SD's go forward with their life, after they marry, have a career, whatever....not mine.
It took me years to realize what was happening, because DH and I had our careers, and enjoyed our weekends to the fullest; we were so busy I didn't give any of it any thought; I credited the passive aggression to SD's personality. Four years ago, she had a melt down, after I retired from my career. I was loving my life and she couldn't stand to keep quiet any longer.
Consequences of her hate email and her melt down, I am totally disengaged and back to loving life even more. SD57 never stops; she comes around and can't help herself with the nasty remarks and glaring glances. I give her the "you aren't really here" treatment. I am civil and I couldn't tell you one word she babbles, when she is visiting DH. She truly hates me for my disengagement. I have never responded to her email, any of her actions, or her email. She is history.
Due to DH's health issues, the contact with grown skids has been often the past month. It is getting old, but I am surviving. Bottom line, it will never end for me. I have accepted that fact and I continue to move forward.
What in the world are you
What in the world are you talking about, CG? I really, really hope you’re not a couples “therapist”.
I read this as the OP is peeved that her spouse isn’t coming to her with his grievances. Instead he is going to a toxic family member. That isn’t the OP trying to “own his thoughts”. The OP wants, and is absolutely deserving of, transparency - especially if it involves her.
You, of all people, should know and preach this, if in fact you are a real “therapist”.
Hon, ignore his childish
Hon, ignore his childish behavior...let him be secretive, as long as you keep tabs on him, secretly... you gather information lol..
then the day everything blows up in his face and suddenly you are good enough again, laugh and say.... Well that's what you get for back stabbing me, your wife, now deal with your crap and leave me out of it...
I swear we have to live a double life, one for ourselves with our kids and then one with the balless man we love who has more history baggage then the Roman empire itself
I hate the double life. I
I hate the double life. I didn't have to do it at first. Then SD and DH flipped the script on me.
I have disengaged from him. That is hard - I have to figure out how to keep my marriage intact while being disengaged from my husband.
I have been fully disengaged from MIL and SD for quite some time.
Really, I just need to plan on how to stay married and not want to murder the man.
SouthernBelle - your marriage
SouthernBelle - your marriage is in tack, MY Ma always tells me, I've never considered divorce, but I think of murder 5x a day..
DH and SD flipped the script on you, cause she's getting older and more manipulating. DO not change with them Hon, stay true to yourself...
Will take DH a while to realize he's all alone and you are not there, that's when they sort of man up and hand their balls back to you, but now and again they demand it back, then you have to say... no way
You know what?! Go do you. Go
You know what?! Go do you. Go bash him to your friends and family and be selective about who you choose as a confidant. You have a right to privacy, and to talk about whatever you want. That is how you will fix the relationship. CG, the stuff that comes out of your mouth really makes me wonder...
I think pretty much what it comes down to here is whether this is how you want to live. I think that you should make an appointment with a REAL therapist and talk this out, see if an educated third party can help you navigate this: there will be some things you will have to do different but many he will as well. xo