How often does this happen to you? Am I overreacting?
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SO and I had plans this weekend to go out. Nothing concrete, we were just going to spend time together as BM had her children. I had cancelled plans with friends to spend time with SO since SK are rarely with BM, we normally have them. This morning I received a text from SO that said he will be picking kids up after work as BM has plans at 5. What about our plans?
How do you react when something like this happens? And how often does it happen?
Yes, total BS!!! He is
Yes, total BS!!! He is putting her needs ahead of yours. He should have said that's too bad, I already have plans, since it is your time with them you will have to figure something else out BM.
Yep, it's happened a few
Yep, it's happened a few times to me.
The problem I have is that I feel like if I say I'm annoyed about him cancelling our plans to look after the skids for her, it looks like I'm saying I want him to choose spending time with me over spending time with his children. And then I just feel like a dreadful person!!
lol but I have done what Foxie suggested and just said 'Oh, OK, well I'm still going out. It'd be such a shame to waste these tickets/dinner reservation/the opportunity to dress up nice and wear heels for once. I'll just call *insert name of friend here*"
And then I still get to have a good evening!
I assume there was no
I assume there was no emergency at BM's home. Did he know you changed your plans to spend time with him? Nothing concrete you say. You can't have it both ways. Did you two make plans or not? You havent complained about the children visiting often just that YOU had made plans and this happened. Again - did he know you sacraficed your plans with friends? Is this a simple communication problem?
If so then the solution is equally simple. Make your wants and needs clear in the future. Use the family planning calendar and when the kids are not visiting make a note of your plans even if its "Kid free day" on it. Make sure he notices that you're counting on that even if something specific like a movie or a ski trip are not calendared.
This happens all the time
This happens all the time between my DH and His ex, the BM. It's frustrating. It's bullshit. You have very right to overreact! We make plans months in advance on the weekends we don't have my SS, but the BM always finds a way to screw things up. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth being in a relationship at all.
THIS^^^^ My DH let the
THIS^^^^
My DH let the horsefaced ex give us the kids HUNDREDS of times extra for years. We never ONCE asked her to take them a day extra.
I would beg, plead, get pissed and everything in between to make him stop taking them on our weekends off. I had to threaten divorce to make him finally hear me.
She is NOT more important than you! Don't let him keep doing this to you or you will resent them all and soon it will turn into a boiling hatred.
BM3 dated/lived with the same
BM3 dated/lived with the same guy on and off for 3 years. During that time she wasn't AS bad about making "other plans" during her parenting time. We have SD5 50/50, week on week off, and there were several times she scheduled vacations or trips that SD couldn't be included in during her parenting time.
Now that she's single again, though, and living back at home with her dad, it's a different story. She is back to making plans that don't include SD. Plans with "friends" is usually the story I hear.
I take a little bit of a different approach. I have 2 kids of my own from before DH, and we have 2 together, plus he has 3 of his own including SD. He has full custody of the others, so SD being here is only ever the difference between having 6 or 7 children in the house. So whenever BM3 wants to leave SD5 here during her parenting time, I always say the same thing. "Sure thing. This is SD's home. She is always welcome to be here, and we are always happy to have her. We don't make plans that she can't be a part of."
Yes...Double Bull Shit!!! I
Yes...Double Bull Shit!!! I would have no problem saying..."Have fun with the kids..gives me some ME time".....and leave for the day/or night. I do that now when he does have his kids...I totally disengage, so he would NEVER do that to me if it was not his parenting time.
#1 they are his kids. If my
#1 they are his kids. If my bio son needed me to come get him, plans with my boyfriend would have to change too. It is the nature of the beast when you date a person with children. My husband is a dad to two kids that rely on him for 100% for their well being.
#2 You said you did not have specific plans, so can you not spend time together watching a movie at your house while the kids play outside? Can you spend time togehter if they go to bed early? What did you plan to do, if he was working today?
I learned a long time ago to not change/cancel my plans in expectation of BM doing her part in parenting. That just does not happen. In fact, the last time I canceled my plans because of the BM/stepkids was in 2008, and I had to cancel my own birthday plans. Learned my lesson with that BS. My husband's plans can be canceled because of her/them, mine will not.
You can be disappointed that your plans had to change, but it is not realistic to think the kids will never interfere with your plans with your boyfriend.