How do you avoid loneliness?
So, how do you not get lonely? How does one 'turn off' when the skds are here, disengage but not feel awkward avoiding people in your own home? I keep to myself when they are here and do my own thing but then of course I miss DH and his company. It's almost like he spends time with them when they are here and then with me when they aren't, like a split week. It's obviously not that black and white and it's due to me being disengaged, not him ignoring me. So, how is this supposed to work?
I guess, I'm feeling alone in all of this. My DH who is supposed to be my partner is trying to understand and help, but I'm not sure he can. They are his kids, he delights in them and I, well ya know...don't.
I disengaged because of the toxic BM and my SD who is driving me mad. She is a mini-wife and always saying, daaadddeee, this and ddaaaddeee that. It's constant and she is always trying to insert herself in my space or where ever DH is. Again, DH is 'working on it' but like anything it's slow going.
I have disengaged from them and it has helped, but I'm tired of being a stranger in a strange land.
OMG, Soda just came flying
OMG, Soda just came flying from my nose.
Ha! I needed to laugh, thank
Ha! I needed to laugh, thank you.
I was going to suggest join a
I was going to suggest join a book club, go out with your friends, hold a dinner party at your house (while your SD is there }:)) or go get a mani-pedi and enjoy your alone time.
Find a hotel/spa to spend
Find a hotel/spa to spend Skid visitation time at. Join an outdoor club and go climbing/hiking etc...
Find a happy and relaxing place or regular activity to spend DH's visitaiton time at until he engages you more effectively.
Take care of yourself.
Hobbies are great, I have
Hobbies are great, I have volunteered as the local Zoo for 9 years now however my day at the zoo this year falls on the day we don't have the skids. Great lol. Go out with friends, spends ages shopping. I am lucky to have step parents so I can talk to them and they understand. Make sure you have date nights with your partner too.
Depending on the visitation
Depending on the visitation schedule and your current work commitments, you can always work some more?
For me I think that is partly why I have such a good relationship with SD4, take a normal weekend, Im home friday evening with SD and my fiance, we have a lovely evening together as SD has missed us. Then saturdays I go to work, my fiance and SD have all day together, by the time I finish work SD is in bed. So sunday is our only full day together. Honestly I really enjoy the day together.
Breaking it up something like
Breaking it up something like ^this^ is how I cope as well. Depending on skid's ages, it can actually be pretty easy to divide up time so you're not going crazy.
Early on, when my son and skids were 7/8/10, we did everything together as a family. For about three years this worked fairly well, then it deteriorated rapidly as SD unravelled - diagnosed BPD - and all bets were off. My relationship with SS then followed suit, about the time he hit 14. (Just lies, laziness, and suddenly revealed disney dad parenting.)
Now, he's here on a 2/5 schedule so on his first day here (Wednesday) he meets his dad at work and I hang with my son til early evening. Thursdays he usually takes off to his girlfriend's house straight from school to bedtime. He works Saturday am so I spend time with BS and DH. Then usually he has plans Saturday afternoon til bedtime at his girlfriend's. Often, there's only a few hours here and there I have to spend any time with him anymore.
I tell you this to give you hope! As they age, this sort of thing is easy to encourage... Let them make plans with friends! Encourage them/DH to embrace "opportunities" to be with other kids. Disney dads seem to love this kind of thing. The more "independent" skids live, the better. Not that I agree it's healthier for them. Totally the opposite. I think healthy kids need boundaries and routines and consequences, but we aren't on this site because our skids have boundaries and routines and consequences. One or more of their bio parents aren't doing their job, so the usual rules are out the window.
If you can change how you see "family" time, it will be much easier. Look at the time your skids will be with you, and schedule it out. When do you feel best? When do you feel worst? Plan something for yourself in those worst moments - even if it's just grocery shopping! Save all your errands for when skids are there, and use that as break time. I think you'll find that 1. You'll have more resilience if you allow yourself timeouts and 2. DH will possibly be more relaxed to see you're relaxed and 3. SD may release her grip on her dad if she feels she's competing less for his attentions.
This does give me hope, thank
This does give me hope, thank you. We are still in the young ages, sd7 and ss5 and my bd6. And I will take a closer look at what is working, when I feel my best and when I don't and start making some changes. I do run errands and clean and such, but managing those things when I 'need' to be out of the house will help. Thanks for the wisdom!
You're welcome and I wish you
You're welcome and I wish you the best!
Yes, cleaning. That is what
Yes, cleaning. That is what I did all day Sunday. Not fun, but needed and it was nice to be in my own space taking care of my home. And you are right, DH doesn't feel like I've abandoned him. I do hear, come play with us, etc. every now and then, but as soon as I offer for them to help me clean they leave me alone!
Find something you enjoy
Find something you enjoy doing just for yourself. Something that your DH doesn't have to do with you. Gardening, reading, hell, jewelry making. Something that helps you relax and get your mind off of things. It will help you rejuvenate your mind and body and after the weekend, hello stranger sex
During tense periods with SS
During tense periods with SS and DW I worked a ton of hours. It sure helped the career and helped defuse some of the tension. I did this until I hit my zero tolerance point then I confronted and destroyed the sitatuation.
You can only bite your tongue and avoid you SO and your home for so long.