How to deal with ex-wife
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My fiance and I have been together 2 1/2 years. We will be married this July. He has two children, a teenaged daughter from his first marriage who lives with her mom, and a 7 year old son from his second marriage who lives with us. His son's mother is incarcerated and communicates through letters only. She is to get out in 4 more years.
I know my fiance loves me and is committed to me and I am secure in that. Why is it that when his exe writes him, I have this overwhelming need to know what she has to say? Not once has she acknowledged my existence in the past 2 1/2 years that I've been raising her son and she is fully aware of me. Which annoys me, but why do I care what she has to say and how do I stop it? Any suggestions?
HAHAHAHAHA
I am NOT laughing at you. I am laughing b/c it is sooop very natural to want to know what another woman, no matter who or where she is, is saying to your STBH. I have been here so many times, I could write a book about it. I personally cannot stand his EX talking to him w/o my knowing what is said. And if in 2 1/2 years she hasn't acknowledged me? I'd have to send her a family picture, with her son in it, of course. And why is she writing SBTH anyway? Shouldn't she be writing her son?
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
I'm the same way ...
I like to try and tell myself it's because I don't trust her ... she'll say one thing on the phone, and then do another, or say another in email. But who am I fooling ... it kills me when they talk. I'm a child-less SM, so altohugh I know there will always be a bond between H and BM, I will never completly understand it.
I do have to wonder, in your situation, why is she writing STBH? If she's writing to communicate about child ... no biggie, but if she's writing to talk about every day crap ... I think I'd ask STBH to write her back, remind her you are getting married, and then ask him to tell her only to write about child.
I like the idea of sending a family photo ... he he he, I do that to be spiteful (my SS's BM is a B!ach from the word go) ... I do it to show her how much fun SS and dad are having (she doesn't do anything outside with SS, and I believe the TV is the babysitter).
anyway, off track ... like the photo idea, and I think STBH needs to have a chat with her. Maybe, if you go up to visit, he should bring you and introduce you ... she does have a right to know who is in her son's life.
Okay ... enough ...
~ Katrina
I hate to be naive
But what does STBH stand for??? der
Soon to be husband....I assume.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Your not Naive
There are some things I don't understand on these posts either.
STBH~Soon To Be Husband
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
To clarify a few things.
To clarify a few things. The BM is incarcerated and won't get out for the next 4 years of so. She writes her son maybe once a month sometimes two times. In those letters she always says you better be good for your daddy. My STBH has full custody and won't allow his son to go to the jail unless court ordered. Of course, the BM hasn't pushed that issue. When the BM writes her son, we ask him if he wants to write her back and he always says maybe later. We ask later and he says nah, not right now. The last the the SS went to his Maternal Grandfather's house, the grandfather MADE him write his mother and then made him promise to write his mother when he got home. We won't force him to do that as our counselor has said not to. So....BM sends my STBH a letter wanting him to write her and tell her how her son is doing and that it's not me she wants to communicate even though I will be his stepmother. She wants not communication with me at all, just my STBH. She uses "our son" in almost every sentence and that she is and always will be his mother. Yeah, like I'm stupid or something. I know she's his mother and I've been very reassuring to my soon to be SS that his mother loves him and that she will always be his mom but that I'm here as a second mom. So....I'm annoyed that she doesn't acknowledge the good things I do in her sons life and have the task of undoing the crap she filled him with before she left. I'm afraid that if my STBH writes her, that she will see this as a foot in the door and start writing him more with more of her I'm sorry for what I did...I know you'll never forgive me...believe me when I say that I'm so happy that you're happy. Okay, I'm done venting for now.
The picture idea is cool and I have actually thought of it.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a little better now.
Same Experience ...
I had the same experience with the BM in our lives. My husband sent her an email that said "anything Katrina writes, you can assume came from me as well. She doesn't send anything I don't know about, and I usually ask her to send what is sent." He has also made it very clear that I am his wife ... I am SS's SM ... I am a part of SS life and she needs to learn how to accept that. We also got into the habit, for a while, of signing the emails "Erik and Katrina." That way it drove home that WE are a team.
Perhapse you AND your husband could write her back, placing emphasis on the WE part of everything you inform her of "We feel ... We have done ... We will do ..." etc. Send the family photo, in addition to individual photos of the kids. You could make one part of the letter from just you too. Let her know that you love her children and will do everything possible to make sure their needs are met. As I said before, husband needs to remind BM that you are going to be his wife, plain and simple. Then sign the letter, each of you, in pen ... he signs his name, you sign your name ... then she will know, without a doubt, that it was a team effort.
I still think she should meet you ... that might also make things easier ... of course your husband probably "traded up" so to speak, and that might piss her off too ...
Good luck ...
~ Katrina
Mocha2001
Makes some really good points. By signing together, she would have to be completely ignorant to go on pretending you don't exist. I also think you should send her a letter of your own, outlining what you do for YOUR family and that includes THEIR son. You also should know that she can think what she wants, but that doesn't erase you from STBH and SS's life. Another thing I would do, and some people may think this is mean, is when a letter arrived from her addressed to my STBH, I would cross his name out, put SS's name on it and return it. I would continue to do this until the letter came to SS. I am sure that if something came up that she nedded to know about, someone would tell her.
I think you are doing the right thing by not forcing SS to write his mom. He'll do it in his own time.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Communication with the ex
I actually did write her once. My STBH sent her a brief note asking her to sign off one of two cars that still has her name on it. He is divorced but unfortunately that wasn't placed in the divorce. She has a vehicle (impounded right now) in her name when she gets out of prison. He asked that she sign off because he was getting another veichle. She sent a letter back demanding that he ALLOW her son to write to her (we've never not allowed him to write) with a consistent pattern established and that he bring their son to see her at the prison. She would prefer it be my STBH but if not her father, sister, or mother could. She wouldn't sign until then.
So....I sent her a letter (my STBH saw the letter and was okay with it). It was nice, really it was. However, I was honest with her and told her that we have never stopped her son from writing and that if he wanted to, I, myself would sit down with him and help him write. He doesn't want to. I also said that my STBH would in no way, shape or form bring their son to a prison unless forced by the court to do so. Our counselor said he's not ready for that. I told her that as well. I also pretty much said that if she signed the paper and was willing to acknowledge my presence in her son's life, I would communicate with her on a regular basis letting her know how her son was and send pictures of special events in his life. She called her daddy. Daddy called my STBH saying that I had no right to communicate with her demanding such things and that he would go to court for visitation rights if I thought I could keep his grandson from him. Well, of course, we know where that went. NO WHERE. Why? They don't give two hoots for the boy. The aunts, uncles, and grandparents have been allowed to see or talk to my soon to be SS any time they want. It is rare when they want to see him. Twice a year if that!!!! So, the car still has her name on it. My STBH got the truck he wanted anyway, and I drive the car that has her name on it. Ahahahaha! Oh well. Sad thing is. I, as a mother, would have kept her informed on how her son is doing (with my STBH's support, of course) but she didn't want anything to do with that. The *&)%#^* wants one thing....my STBH. That's not happening.
Oh, by the way.....he did trade up. It more ways than one.