Bail out early or full steam ahead into blended family.
I live with my son and fiance (his stepmum aged 25) for the last couple of years. His biological mum (BM) lives abroad (but hassles by phone). The BM was supposed to take her son on this year but all that has gone a bit **** up and my son started self-harming. So to avoid any further problems for him I decided (based on psychologists advice) he had to stay with me for good because the instability of him going or not going to his BM. Neither my fiance or I was over the moon at this turnaround because we had plans, but my boy comes first. I was real happy she stuck with me on this and took on the responsibility of a stepson. Since this happened though we have had a couple of arguments. They are normally fairly productive in figuring out new rules, but first once and now twice I have been scratched by her. Not real bad or anything, but leaving scars. The first time I was just like... "what the ****" and it was more of an accident/half intent. The last time was intentional due to uncontrolled anger. She recognizes it was very very wrong and has promised never to do it again. The problems causing the anger are not the issue in this question, there is plenty of stress in a blending family and that is for other threads. I love her but I am suddenly rather worried about actually keeping on with her, into marriage. The stresses ahead of us in life are likely to be bigger in the future - judging by this website. I don't want my children to see and experience a second failed marriage. I don't want to have to deal with someone who cannot control their anger. I know if I finish with her that is it, I wont bring another woman into my son's life till he's 16. Is it better to bail out now? Should I give a 25 year old woman becoming a stepmum (and therefore under a lot of stress) all of a sudden a second chance? My heart wants to, my stomach is very cagey, my brain says no.
What do you say?
MHO....
Y'all need counseling. Find a therapist and start ASAP!
You may think she's "doing a good job of being a stepmom", but maybe this isn't what she wants.
I'm sure she loves you and wants to make you happy. But (and I'm just going by what you've said) expecting your FW to become a loving, caring SM to your BS, seemingly overnight, isn't fair to her. And when you decided that BS "Had to stay with you for good", was your FW consulted about this first? Or did you just come in and say "Here's the deal, take it or leave it"?
If it was the second one, thank your lucky stars all she did was scratch you.
If you recognize your BS has problems and is unstable because of BM, how can you expect your FW to be cool with that?
Your BS probably doesn't care much for the situation either.
MHO is to get you and your FW into couples counseling and get your son into therapy. He's probably got a lot of issues he needs to work out and that's something daddy just can't fix.
Work through therapy and come up with a parenting plan. Stick with her and let her know that you're on her side.
Because like I said, you can't just drop a kid in the mix and expect everyone to be cool with it. If your FW and you had plans, that's what she's looking forward to. Your BS being in the picture permanently and you straight up telling her that "my son comes first" AFTER you've already made plans with her, that's probably a good reason why she's upset. And I don't blame her.
I'm not disagreeing that you shouldn't take care of your son, but that's a very selfish thing to say to a woman you're engaged to and made plans with. I'm suprised she hasn't left you yet.
But if you love her as much as you say you do, do yourself a favor and get counseling.
what's MHO mean?
I think the counseling is a good idea, cant afford much of it but I think I cant afford not to have it either. My boy is already back on track with that. Yes I did kind of tell her that was the way it was. I didn't have much choice though, it all hit the fan while she was away for a week and well it wasn't like I was not going to take my boy on.
MHO
My honest opinion
Or...
My humble opinion.
Woooooow, so you threw a child, that your FW wasn't prepared to care for, into her lap and basically said "deal with it". And the worst she's done is scratched you?
You ought to be glad. That woman is a saint!
I would have torn up my cast iron skillet upside your head.
The situation may have been dire, but I'm sure there was plenty enough time to sit and discuss this with your FW first.
I can see why she'd be angry now. If you have medical insurance, that should cover therapy. Do whatever you need to do to get help. Because if you really love this woman, you should do whatever it takes to fix this situation.
Crayon, thank you! Biodad
I think there's a lot going on in your relationship. And yes - you do need to talk to your Fiancee and see if this is really what she wants, and also if you are in agreement on parenting styles.
Having said that, however... Absolutely NO f*ck*in way should your fiancee be allowed to get away with scratching you hard enough to leave a scar... not once, but twice. That's physical abuse. Neither you, nor your step son need to be exposed to that. I DON'T CARE HOW ILL PREPARED SHE IS FOR WHAT YOU THREW AT HER, PHYSICAL VIOLENCE IS NEVER EVER ACCEPTABLE.
You need to do things...
1. Yes, find out what your role in her anger is and see if you can come to an agreement on parenting
2. Find out if she has REAL anger issues and these "scratches" are going into escalate into even more physical violence against you or your son once she is more comfortable or less comfortable in the relationship. If she gets jealous of you, or worries about money, or has other arguments.
Her inability to control her anger is just as much of a problem as you bringing in a child with some self destructive tendencies. I hope your wedding date is not close.
Best of luck to you both!
My only response
is to agree with Stick. Especially on the scratching you part.
And also to say, if you expect your girlfriend to stick around and be a good wife/stepmom, you have absolutely got to promise her to never, ever again make a decision that involves her (which is essentially anything that involves your household) without discussing the issue with her first, and taking her views into account. You are making her be a mom; you owed it to her to at least ask her whether it was okay first.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
children
You have two very troubled kds in the house. One is permanent fixture and one is not. Your son is broken and its going to take a lot of time and effort to fix him. Do you have the same time and effort left in you to fix the fiancee/Big Kid,
Go with your gut.
If you were a woman and your partner hit you, every single woman would be telling you to get out now. Your a man and your partner hit you (with fingernails 'cause we know that that hurts just as much) so I'll say the same to you GET OUT NOW. Fine if you want to save the relationship, get her out first and get counseling if that is what you want but get her out first. There is no reason in the world for a partner to use physical violence against the other, there are even laws against it. Your heart may say yes (I know you love her and all that) but your gut is churning and your head is screaming RUN. The gut and the head are the sensible ones in this. Good Luck.