StepToBe, if I were to take a guess I'd believe you're confusing the biological connection they have with their daughter as an emotional connection with each other. I feel this way when DH talks to BM sometimes. When I hear DH and BM over the phone conversing about SD, setting up plans for her, making little jokes about her, and other things parents boast about regarding their kids---for a moment, I'm taken out of the equation. I'm not included in this joy those two have in raising their child. I feel left out. I'm not all that makes my DH happy in this life. SD is too and BM gave him that happiness, not me. Not ever.

For you and me it's clear that their parenting skills are NOT what split them up because thats the part we see that's functional. We have to remind ourselves that every other aspect didn't work in their relationship. They're not together for many other reasons. And if we had a choice in what aspect they should have common ground on we'd choose for them to amicably raise their kids. In the end we wouldn't want it any different.

Take what your BF said to heart. Be thankful that he and BM get along. It's so much worse when its the other way.

advice is great here, you will get it from every angle and sometimes leave you more confused..

I just want to say, I understand how you feel and yes your normal and it's ok! Your bf loves you for you, he is not married to her anymore and he is with you...that's all you need, really know happiness is found within...we all are a product of our raising and it wasn't a normal thing for your parents to have friendly conversions...but who's to say that's abnormal?

Reach inside you...you already have the answers within you...hope that helps ya.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

However, it's painful for me when they go to doctor appointments for SD together.

-----------> What kind of doc appts? Is it just when SD has a cold or the flu?

They both coordinate and celebrate SD's birthday parties together

-----------> Do you attend SD's bday parties?

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

It is far better that they get along rather than not. If they fought all the time it would make you crazy. My DH and his ex can now have a conversation on the phone with out yelling or one of them hanging up. I was the one that got this done, I grew very tired of this and I became a kick post. I had a heart to heart with both of them. So far its so much better. I don't like her but I treat her as if I do. I only did this because the kids have seen enough in their marriage with all the fighting and enough was enough..... It was done only for them and well me.... I did not want to hear it anymore. so, simply its better for all that we all just get along even if we don't agree on the ex's parenting skills..... We may not all agree, but we can at least talk.

Wow, sounds like you and I are in the same boat. I feel the same way you do. It's really hard to deal with isn't it? I just don't even know how to. If you come up with a way, can you let me know?? I guess I am thankful they are on speaking terms, but I feel many times, it goes over the line where it's not just convos about their son, but about her social/personal life. I can't stand it. And she is super friendly with his family and I constantly feel left out. It's a crappy feeling, that's for sure!!
Well hopefully things work out for the best for both of us!!!

Wow, I must be from a different planet. I'm reading all these comments about how good it is that the bio parents get along etc etc. I don't disagree. However, in my case, BM has been using the "kids" card to attempt getting my DH back for a looong time after the divorce. Once we got together (married), she then proceeded to use that to control him and make him do things when she wants, how she wants, because she wants. A complete, utter manipulation. All in the "it's all about the kids" package. The kids are young adults/teens now and there are so very FEW issues that need to be discussed without their direct/indirect involvement. So when she starts pushing those buttons, I know it's not because of "the kids", it's because she still wants to feel she can control my DH.
My DH started limiting the calls because he saw through this BS. These days, they don't speak and the communication is being done through email. Still, the kids are well cared for, loved and pampered in each household (we have 50/50).
Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate the bioparents be enemies, I just don't think that the kid needs them to be SO involved in evertyhing together. That's my point.Great the kid doesn't see the parents at each other's throats, but do they need to go to EVERY appointment together? NO! Gimme a break. When my own kids were little, I was married to their bio father. I didn't need him to go with me and the kids everywhere we went. Please. Makes no sense, unnecessary and understandbly hurtful for you.

I'm sure I'll get some not so favorable responses back, but, heck, that's how I feel. As a BM of four beautiful children I think I have a right to say that doing every little damn thing with their biofather would have NOT make them feel better cared for.

Your BF can easily take his child to SOME appointments and let his X take her to others. Is this bad parenting? I don't think so. It's practical and that's what married bioparents do ALL THE TIME. And BTW - the kids LOVE to have two birthday parties and I know that for a fact as my skids often brag about having two of everything.

I agree with you Blondie66. My father wasn't with my mother at every stinkin appointment that me and my brother had. He was at work most of the time we'd go. You're right, if these things don't happen when parents are married, why should they when divorced??? And I already put my foot down about birthday party this year. We will prob have at our new house and I said the ex is NOT invited. There is no way on God's green earth that she will ever be welcome at my house. So hopefully this yr, there will just be seperate parties. One with my and my bf's friends/family(not his parents though!) and she can have her own. She needs to let go and stop using their son as her pawn to get my bf to ask how high everytime she says jump.

Well hunny I feel for ya, I handle the BM, DH wont talk to her at all, reguarding anything..wont even answer the phone on when she calls for the kids, I do. And, I kinda like it that way..it helps me feel in a nice safe position. Not with him but with her..shes pulled alot of shit on me and him making this decision forces her to accept me or buzz off....especially since shes a piece o crap neglectfull usesless excuse for a human being..last week she took my SD9 to the doc for a high fever..finds out the kids got mono..GOES OUT with her bf or whatever he is and leaves the child with God knows who. I wish she was home, I could have taken care of her. She didnt even call us to tell us she was sick untill she was done fluzing around. I really dislike her, and I am a person who likes everyone, but i really hate her.

~Chrissie

Loving Wife to my hubby, Mother and friend to our darlings.

My DH and BM get along as well, and honestly it bothers me too. Don't get me wrong, you don't want them to hate each other but when they get along so good, you start thinking "If they can be so nice to each other, why did they get divorced?" and it makes you feel insecure and left out. Like when it comes to the scheduling, DH will ask to take the boys a certain date and then go into an explanation of what we have going on. Is it really necessary to let her know all of our business?? But as far as appointments go, BM will take the boys unless she has a conflict and then she will call and ask DH to do it. Maybe it bothers you more when they communicate over the phone - could they email each other???

i agree with the above comments. It is very disrespectful to the new wife to be all buddy buddy with ex because of the kids.. we do everything with email and text and dont seem to have any problems with that. And im sorry, it is not always about the kids!!! What about the new wife? What about her?? Hasnt she sacrificed enough already.. so I dont agree with the people that said just deal with it. Step To Be - I think you need to talk to your fiance and tell him this interaction makes you uncomfortable. Reduce the interaction to emails. How would he feel if you were talking to your ex on the phone all the time? So, please, trust me when I say this.. your feelings of being left out is not going to go away just for shutting up about it. DH needs to change his interaction if he is going to be with you. Havent you dealt with enough already? If you dont set boundaries now its only going to get worse.

Well .... I definitely see YOUR side.
I couldn't be with someone unless I was like primary (next to the kids) in their life and it seems like BM is still sort of primary but with a side order of kid.
The hardest part for you would be to leave I guess.
You are a stronger person than me. I couldn't get close to someone who still keeps their ex in their life.
I am a psych major and know enough about human nature to know what Ex Wives and Girlfriends can do when you and your other half are going through a down time.
Why did they break up?

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln

Truth be told when you have a step child you will never be #1 like you would be to your husband if he had no children from a previous relationship. Unfortunatley I feel as though my SD & BM emotional needs were put before mine by my DH

You absolutely without fail do not want it the other way around. I.e. them fighting all the time. Count your blessings girl and put the kids needs in front of your own.

*********************

100 years from now it won't matter if you were successful in business, church or your social circle. But it will matter if you were important in the life of a child.

My X and I get along better than before. We have decieded to be "SELFLESS" and put our kids first.

I talk to him more than I talk to my boyfriend at times because eventhough we are not together, we still have a common link- our kids- and we are still a family in our own way- it is just different now.

That by no way means that i ever want to be with him again. However, imagine how little stress we cause for each other and the kids by being civil and actively taking an interest in "our" kids.

I still walk to our minivan (me and bf) and wish he was my kids dad at times (he has his own kids and he wishes he met me first too). My love for him is for him.

You do need to think of what is best for the kids. They need their parents to love them and having good communication is vital in this type of situation.

this has nothing to do with you- so don;t make it about you. If you want to be more involved ask him if you can. Attend the school funcitons with him supporting him and the kids.

My bf has NO COMMUNICATION with his X. those kids show up- we do not know if they have eaten, we do not know if they are sick (one time he found the medicine 2 days later when he finally had a chance to clear the bag they came with). She does not tell them when the little gorl had school pictures, he only found out about retakes. (They live in a different city than us). She does not even tell him when his daughter had a end of the year skating presentation, instead bio mom tried to switch weekends and un-include him from it, then she told his daughter who was 5 that her dad did not let her go. DRAMA!!!

You should respect those 2 for being mature. I grew up seeing ALOT of fighting and terrible things, I came from 2 step families and I tell you, it is stressful for the kids when the parents are at odds.

The last time my bf picked up his daughter (he has 2, one comes at the beginning of the week and the girl, cause of school, comes on the weekends 2 times a month) The last time he picked her up she looked at him (the little girl) and said "Mommy does not say very nice things about you daddy, mommy does not treat you nice". she is 5 years old.

He was a few minutes late. She was bitching to the little girl. Is that what you want?

Sorry to drone on and on.

I just think you are lucky, and you should love your bf even more for being a wonderful man in such a hard situation. Have kids of your own, you'll thank god you have such a loving man.