While out at a bar last night, one of BFs friends introduced us to this guy. Turns out the guy knew a few people that BF knows, and is in the same line of work as BM, so even though the subject of BM wasn't likely to pop up, I was kind of aware of what I was saying in case he knew her.

This made me sad, as I was thinking that whoever I meet in this town, I'm going to have to watch what I say, just in case that potential new friend knows her already. Obviously we were talking a little about SS as he is such a huge part of our lives, we have him 5nights a week and all weekend. But I was being careful of what I was saying anyhow.

((just a bit of background as I deleted most of my previous blogs, we've been together since SS was a few months old, hes 2and a half now. I moved here for my BF and still dont know anyone here, I'm desperate for a friend!! believe me I'm trying to meet one!)

When the guy went to the bathroom, BF leaned toward me and said “try not to mention BMs name, I'd rather not be associated with her, you know?”

I immediately got up, (I was so angry, I needed to get away from BF, I pretended I needed the bathroom) saying “yep” as I walked away.

I am angry. I am angry that he could ever think it would be a good idea to breed with this f*****g woman. If he is so worried about being associated with her, then why did he breed with her?!! They actively tried to get pregnant after years of an unhappy marriage. wtf?!!! I will never understand.

My problem is this..

The anger, resentment, pain, and regret for not having met BF just a few months sooner (they split while pregnant) is HUGE.

Last weekend we were amongst a big group of people we didnt know, and SS2 started repeating “I want to go to mommys house” over and over and over. It made me so angry, as he didnt ask to born into this ridiculous situation, he is TWO and he wants BOTH of his parents!! HOW could BF and BM be so stupid as to think it was a good idea to bring a third person into an unhappy marriage?!! I have heard of a child of divorce, but a fetus of divorce?!!

I love my BF so much and am so happy with him, and yes, even SS. I enjoy him and his cute little ways, I whip out the camera and snap away, I like spending time with him. I even dont mind too much if he has a tantrum, (which happen rarely, hes a good kid) I explain calmly why he isnt allowed to do whatever it is hes having a meltdown about, and hes usually ok. He gives me lots of cuddles and kisses and his little face sparkles when he sees me, its safe to say we get on very well.

I enjoy being with SS so much in fact, that BF asked me if I wanted a weekend away just us, or to bring SS along. I chose for SS to come along as I thought it would be more fun! Hes a lovely boy and I care for him a lot.

Heres where it gets confusing.

BF, SS and I enjoy our time together. We go off for adventures and have a great time just the three of us. It seems to be only when we are around other people that our little world seems so fragile.. like the “I want to go to mommys house” thing. And the “dont mention BMs name” thing.

Every time something happens with BM, I think “how could you be so stupid BF”

Sometimes, depending on if I'm upset already, if SS2 acts up, I think “you were a failed attempt at fixing a marriage. you shouldnt even exist”

yeh, wtf right? This is the kid I just said I enjoyed spending time with so much. I do not understand my own feelings and I feel like I'm going insane. I am on the waiting list for free therapy, as there is no way I can afford to pay a therapist that specialises in stepfamilys. I dont think the free therapy will help, as I dont think its going to know how to deal with stepfamily situations.

HOW do I stop feeling resentment towards BF for his mistake (which isnt even really a mistake, as SS is lovely?!! man I'm so confused I just dont know what to think anymore, I think I view it as a mistake because of BM.)

I just need to get past this anger towards my BF being so stupid.

As I said it only seems to happens when we are around other people, or if BM does something, or if BM is mentioned, or if I'm not meant to mention her!!! maybe its just anything to do with her.

maybe, just maybe, I want to so badly rewind time and make it so that I am SSs mom, that I want to erase everything about her? I hate it when SS says mommy. it makes people realise I'm not his mom. but then that doesnt explain why there are times where I feel that SS shouldnt exist

(btw I am in no way trying to make SS think I am his mom, he calls me by my name etc, its just a fantasy I have of us being an intact family, which is obviously falling apart the more SS is talking properly in sentences now)

Im so confused, and this is so long, but I am about to post this. I'm scared I will get responses saying leave, you are an awful person to have these feelings and you should leave BF and SS in peace, I'm scared, but willing to hear any advice good or bad..