He seriously said this
So, I made a very nice pot roast on Monday for dinner. Now, SS5 is not a big red meat eater. I don't cook a lot of red meat, usually I make chicken or even meatless dishes that all of us enjoy so that we have as little dinner drama as possible. But, I every now and again I make something with red meat and I have a house rule that what I cook is what everyone eats.
So, SS5 was in fits about the very small piece of roast that I told him he needed to eat before he could have anything else. I never force the kids to eat, but I don't let them have anything else until they have eaten what I put on their plates. He fussed and fumed and played with his food, ate all his veggies and played wit his roast some more, all the while looking at his daddy and asking for more veggies. I reminded him that he needed to eat his roast before he got more veggies and FDH started fussing at my son because he was not eating his potato skins (He doesn't like the skins and he had scooped the insides out of the skin and eaten them) telling him he couldn't have more food until he ate his potato skin. Ok, fair enough, SS5 has to eat his roast, bio-son has to eat his potato skin, no problem. I don't say anything to FDH about it.
Then the icing on the cake happened. SS5 continued to ask FDH for more veggies because he doesn't like roast. FDH starts whinning to me about "How bad is it to give him more veggies, they are healthy!" and then he followed that up with "Auberry, you don't like cauliflower, when I make it you don't eat it. It isn't fair that you don't have to eat what you don't like but you are making Prince eat roast when he doesn't like it."
I couldn't help it, I was like "Really? Seriously? You just said that to me? Are you twelve? I am a grown woman, that is why I don't have to eat it. When Prince is grown and in his own house he doesn't ever have to look at another roast for as long as he lives, but he is a child and he can eat the tiny serving I gave him." Needless to say SS5 did not finish his roast, but he didn't get anything else to eat either. The reason I am so strict with SS5 about food is because food is a major manipulation tool for him, and we don't play that game in my house regardless of whose child it is.
La, the craziness of Step-Life
Prince is just what I call
Prince is just what I call SS5 sometimes when talking about him online.
Well yes veggies are
Well yes veggies are important but so is protein to a growing boy, you are so right, he can choose what to eat when he buys and cooks his own food.
LOL, oh, he did challenge me
LOL, oh, he did challenge me in front of them. He didn't do it loudly or very obviously, but he did say what he had to say at the table with my son and his son sitting there, and kids hear and see everything, I swear. That is why I made a point of saying that I am a grown woman, not a child, and that is why I can decide what I eat.
I am with you an the potato skin. Some kinds (these were tiny red potatos with smooth skin) aren't too bad, but regular old potatos with rough skin? Gag me.
Yes good point, I guess he
Yes good point, I guess he must have said that in front of the kids, I would be furious.
I would not make anything
I would not make anything special for SS if I was you but I would not require him to eat specific foods that I cook. If he wanted to eat all veggies and no meat it would not be a big deal to me. I was a vegetarian at one time, so I get this. I never required my children to eat everything on their plates or a specific thing. I just do not agree with this method of parenting. I have made them take a spoonful of something they hadn't eaten before just to try it or have withheld dessert for not eating enough at dinner though.
My SS16 is soooo spoiled if he doesn't like what I make for dinner DH lets him make hisself something else or expects me to. UGHHH. To me this is ridiculous.
When I was growing up was we
When I was growing up was we just had to try that food item everytime it was served. One bite. That was it. If we wanted more we ate more, if not we tried it. My husband expects the kids to eat everything. Drives me kind of nuts. So I just give everyone small proportions so we aren't going into DRAMA mode when someone doesn't like the seasonings, fish or whatever that night. They have the option of getting more of whatever they like after they finish their first small plate. It works pretty good at my house.
Tell FDH he can cook from now
Tell FDH he can cook from now on. That way everyone gets what they want! Being a short order cook will get old fast, but at least you will get a break for a few weeks.
Make sure to challenge his authority as an adult in the home as well, just to make your point. }:)
LOL. If I could stand his
LOL. If I could stand his cooking I would do that. He cooked last night and well, I skipped dinner. The kids liked it though, go figure, and we have plenty of left overs so I won't be cooking (or eating, LOL) for a couple of nights.
Another step overriding what
Another step overriding what the bio wants to do... I just don't get it! If you know the kid doesn't like red meat, you make it anyway, and he ASKS for more veggies, and his FATHER is ok with it...WHY, oh, why do you choose to make it an issue??
SMH
Look, it's fine with dad. He's the kid's parent. Leave it be.
PS: The fact that he did that in front of the kids is good reason to put his nuts in a vise. He should never, ever question you in front of the kids!
OP said she has a house
OP said she has a house rule... not an agreed upon rule.
I just think it makes no sense to make something you KNOW the kid doesn't like and then insist the kid eat it. Especially when the kid's own parent doesn't care.
House rule = agreed upon
House rule = agreed upon rule. We sat down and agreed on rules when we moved in together. FDH is the CP and at this time I am SS5's main care taker.
One of the "deals" about our relationship is that as long as I am the main care provider while FDH works, I be able to parent SS5 the same as I would my own. This was agreed upon by the two of us.
FDH is more than welcome to parent SS5 totally by himself if that is what he wants to do, he can quit his job, find one that allows him to do daycare drop off and pick up, make sure he has SS5 at all times on the weekends, cooks his meals, wipes his butt, so on and such and such. However, at this time, FDH works a job that does not allow him to provide pick up and drop off of SS5, he has to work weekends at times, and I am the one at home with his son. I don't mind this, but I will not have special exceptions for one child over the other, telling my son he has to eat his food while in the same breath telling SS5 "That's ok honey, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to".
I agree that he shouldn't
I agree that he shouldn't have countermanded you at the table. That was WRONG.
I guess I just don't get making something you know the kid doesn't like and then getting upset about it. The kid wants to eat veggies instead? I fail to see the problem.
And WHY are you wiping a FIVE YEAR OLD's butt?!?
Oh, I don't do that, no way,
Oh, I don't do that, no way, no how. That is a FDH only thing, because when he is home SS5 becomes very needy and forgets just how many big boy things he can do, so FDH has to check and make sure he wipes.
Recent studies have shown
Recent studies have shown that children's taste buds differ from adults and in fact meat can be repulsive to some people. This repulsiveness can easily exist from birth.
Don't force any kid to eat anything. Here's what I did with food and kids: I told them that if they would eat one bite of something they didn't have to eat any more. This was a easy decision for them and one bite went down and that was that. (I'll never forget us eating at a Chinese restaurant and my son without being told picked up a forkful of small octopus' and shoved one in his mouth. One tenacle was sticking out of his mouth until he chewed and swallowed. Frankly wild horses could not drag me to eat a octupus but he did it without blinking because he knew he didn't have to ear anymore).
A month later the same food might appear and the same rule. Over time - as you will find with most kids - their taste buds changed and they accepted those food and actually came to enjoy some of them.
Others were never acceptable. Peas for me. No - not no thank you but no. I'm sure there exists a food like that for you. Why can't kids have the same feeling over a taste which in your mouth may taste completely different?
As I said earlier vegetarians are sometimes born. Don't fight it - why do you care if he gets his protein from red meat or chicken? Again studies shows that some vegetarians who eat meat actually have a disturbed digestive tract for house afterwards. Not enough to vomit - usually - just enough that life isn't good. Why poison a kid?
Disclamer here: I love red meat and will eat a hamburger for breakfast, lunch and supper and actually did that on a two week motor trip vacation from Michigan to California. I had a very tolerant father by the way.
Also please disengague from your step-children. You will be much happier when you let the bio-parents do the parenting. Stop trying to have a new family. It'll never exist and you'll exhaust yourself emotionally and physically trying. Here is what I did:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
With all due respect, I am
With all due respect, I am sure your way of handling things worked well for your situation, and I am sure it would work well with others. That said. My SS5 lives with us full time, and I deal with him the way I would deal with any child that lives in my home full time. I am not trying to build a new family, but I do expect the same respect that he shows other adults in his life. If he is at daycare he has rules to follow. If he breaks those rules then he is disciplined by the daycare provider. He is put in time out, or he loses a favorite daycare priviledge, or what have you, and these consequences are enforced not by his father but by the child care provider. If his father decides to enforce further discipline for the problem then he does so.
That is my position on this. I spend a great deal of time caring for SS5 and I expect to receive the same amount of respect he gives his daycare providers. I expect him to be polite. I expect that if I tell him to put his shoes on before he plays outside that he will do so. I expect that if I tell him not to do something dangerous he will listen. These are things that non-family members expect of him, things that non-family members enforce, so why shouldn't I expect the same?
Sounds like another idiot-dad
Sounds like another idiot-dad who treats his wife equally to his 5 year old child.What is he thinking!!!!!!!!!!????
Rules can be discussed as adults without the children's presence.He is to my mind to young to decide to be a vegetarian.
My rule is here that I expect the children to try a little bit, and if they totally dislike one thing on their plates, they must eat still everything else on the plate.They are not allowed to refuse all veggies though-but if there is one they don't like so much that's ok provided they have tried a little.
i'm sorry but i agree with
i'm sorry but i agree with him not having to eat it. i was forced to eat things i hated as a kid (tuna casserole, onions, etc). i have the attitude that i don't eat what i don't like, so why should a kid have to? just because they are kids doesn't mean that they don't get grossed out any less than an adult does when having to eat what they don't like. i think he should have been allowed to fill up on vegetables. your comment about being an adult and that's why you don't have to eat it makes no sense to me. why does ss have to eat it just because he's a kid? it's a little different if a kid refuses to eat anything but junk. but when he is willing to eat the veggies and just doesn't want the meat, it sounds like you're just being controlling with him.
Sorry, but that roast would
Sorry, but that roast would not have not stayed on my child's plate. I would have removed it from the start.
I never did the food wars thing and I would have never allowed anyone to drag my son into one.
The big issue is that if he
The big issue is that if he undermined you in front of the kids. Period. End of story. If it's a house rule that you agreed on and he wavered in front of the kids, he makes you both look bad.
As far as the "food wars" thing goes - I have mixed feelings. SS6 was a terribly, terribly picky eater when FDH and I started dating. Pretty much everything served was greeted with "I don't like it" and he would pout, pick and play with his food until he got what he wanted, which was PBnJ and fish crackers. This is the way it was before FDH and Whatshername split up and he was slowly trying to change it, but not getting anywhere. It bugged me because it was a symptom of the general "give in" attitude that Whatshername had and FDH had to some extent as well. The worst part was dinner was always followed by "snack" an hour later. Um, no. Why would the kids eat a healthy dinner if they know they're just going to get cereal bars and whatever else a little later?
While some here don't agree with it (and if they way you're doing things works for you, then fine, but it's not the case for all of us), it was the first step in getting the boys to understand that they weren't going to be coddled and just allowed to do what they wanted. There were reasons we were making them do things. I also started having the boys help pick out the menus and make dinner. Even a 5 year old can rinse raspberries if you put them in the strainer, pull a stool up to the sink and hand him the sink sprayer. It's messy, but he ate every raspberry I put in front of him. Generally if I'm making something new or something they may be only lukewarm on, we agree on a three bite rule. I don't make anything I know they really don't like. I personally think if they hate tuna, it's rude to make it knowing that they hate it. But if they're just not crazy about green beans, that's different that really hating something. And tastes change over time. A lot of things they said they didn't care for they now like. Who knew ketchup would make broccoli so much more appealing?
But, again, if you're constantly being undermined or a decision gets made together and then unilaterly changed without notice, then he can handle dinner for his son and you make dinner just for you and your son. It doesn't do much for the concept of "family" but neither does undermining the other parent (or parental figure) in front of the kids.
Edited - clarity and additional info