Stupid fight about SD and food
My SD14 has always been a pain in the butt when it comes to food. Always a fight to get her to eat a balanced diet. Her food choices consist of cheese pizza, french fries, Pepsi, and chocolate.
Well, last week she told husband she will only eat chicken (no other meat). Since then, I have cooked (menu was already planned) pork roast, rice w/turkey, eggs and sausage, lasagna, and chili dogs and mini tater tots (last night). She chose not to eat what I cooked each night, instead making something for herself. Fine, whatever.
Last night, my husband ate a lot of the tater tots, and between myself and two BDs (4 and 1), the rest were gone. Keep in mind SD had not eaten with us for a week and chose to sit in the living room watching TV while everyone else prepared their food and ate. Then she went into the kitchen, evidently with the intention of eating tater tots only. There were none left.
She flipped out, and my husband flipped out right along with her. She claimed I had taken all the mini tater tots on purpose so she couldn't have any. Husband offered to make her more but she said no. I thought this would be the end of it. Instead, he was mad at me because he said BM would call and want to know why he wasn't feeding SD. I told him if he was mad at me, he was mad at the wrong person.
He spoke with SD again, then came into the kitchen to make her tater tots. I got mad (nicely) and pointed out that she hadn't eaten with us the entire previous week, and she hadn't starved. She is old enough to feed herself if what I make isn't good enough. Anyway, I think we all ended up mad. I don't make anything else for two BDs if they don't like what I cook. They can eat or go hungry.
What do you guys think about this whole situation?
Funny you should ask that
I got pretty tired of "I don't like the way you cook that" or " I don't want that" conversations regarding dinner so I stopped cooking on the weeks SD12 is with us. My kids are older and like you, if they don't eat what I cook they can be hungry or make something else they want. No more fights at dinner with DH and I don't have to cook..its a win-win situation!
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
I did this when I was first
I did this when I was first married and the skids came EOW. Always trying to cook what they would eat. This is what the BM and the DH did when they were married, always serving what the kids wanted. I finally got sick of it and I simply don't have the time to be everyone's chef. My DH stood by me on this topic and told the kids you will eat what we are having for dinner and they aren't allowed to cook what they want to eat for themselves. Sometimes I will cook what they like and other times they hate it (especially meatloaf) but oh well that is life. At first it was like they were abused.. (whatever) but after several times of going hungry they learned quickly.
Sounds like SD is a brat...
I hate to say this, but I've been that SD. Growing up I went WELL out of my way to cause fights between my SM and DH. If they were fighting, I could always hold on to the hope that some day they'd divorce. But please also keep in mind that she's 14...teenagers are already hard enough to deal with, and being a step teenage daughter, I'm sure you have your hands full!!
Being a stepmom now, my advice would be going forward, (cuz I'm sure it'll happen again...) is to approach it for what it is. "You hadn't eaten w/us all week, so I assumed you didn't want any. We have more in the freezer, you can help yourself. Next time I'll make an effort to offer. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, it wasn't my intention..." Something to that effect.
Just my thought on the situation...good luck! Hope you get a lot of feedback. I just love coming here and getting many different view points.
I'm a little surprised
By the advice to apologize. My take is, I cook enough dinner every night for everyone to eat. SD deliberately avoids what I cook, gets something else for herself, then disappears again without a word to anyone. I get tired of fixing food that doesn't get eaten, or gets complained about. And her father DID offer to make more tater tots last night, which she refused.
I think, in cases like this, she can get something for herself. Instead of husband (or myself) running along behind her, trying to appease her. Am I wrong?
stop
and breath deeply. People need to appreciate what you do. PERIOD If they don't DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR THEM. NOTHING. One, I MEAN ONE FRIGGIN sound or look that isn't along the appreciate mode----drop what you're doing & let them do it.
Don't accept anything but kindness/calm/appreciation from anyone (except at work cuz sometimes you have to take sh...)during your off hours & in your house. PERIOD
Sounds like you're walking on eggshells to please him & his kids. I think your innocent goodness is beautiful, but if you don't toughen up and only accept kindness from them, they WILL eat you alive.
They already are
Thank you Angel for your sweet reply. If only my husband could see it from your point of view. He is so bad when it comes to SD. He is really on our BD4 to always say please and thank you, and then SD comes into the room and demands he do something, and he does it. Never mind her manners are atrocious or she is perfectly capable of doing it herself. Drop everything and cater to SD. It was our weekend to have her and she decided she wanted to go to church with her mom (who lives an hour away). So, instead of going to church with me and our two daughters (4 and 1), husband drove her up to meet her mom, then turned around and did it again that evening (she lives with us and goes to school here). Aargh!
It's the principle
you are running a house not a restaurant. She eats what you make or goes hungry, no snacking later. And whether she eats or not... she sits at the table while everyone else eats. Ask DH who's running the house SD, BM or you two? DH doesn't answer to BM. His house, his rules.
I sympathize with you, my SD used to do the same thing. Lived on tortillas, cheese, pizza, soda, no fruit or vegetables. One I quit buying the stuff she liked. Two she eats what we eat, there is something that she will like. If she does not like something.. keep her comments to herself; a simple no thank you is all. Any rudeness she gets a double helping. This took a couple months but it works now.
I would be so happy to have
I would be so happy to have my SD make food for herself. If my husband knows that what I am making is not to her liking (and believe me, if it is not meat or potatoes, it is NOT) then he prepares something for her separate from our dinner. I am not sure I can take this anymore....
I agree- I'm not a short order cook
WHen they were married, DH and BM ate almost every meal out b/c BM doesn't cook anything. BM still doesn't usually keep any food in the house. ANY. Not milk, bread, cereal even. SD and BM eat out every meal during her time over there.
So SD was used to putting in her order, or if DH cooked SD could make her own meal of bagel bites or pot pies. I stopped that when I moved in. I cook at least 4 times a week most weeks. We get pizza/takeout or eat leftovers the rest. The only nights the kids can choose to make their own is if we are short on leftovers or DH and I are going out and there's a babysitter. In my pantry I keep "junk" food - mac and cheese, frozen chicken tenders, soup, pb and j etc for those nights. Oh- and soft drinks are only on pizza/takeout nights. (I am an evil mom I'm telling ya!) I don't buy sugary cereals (low sugar corn chex or honey nut cherrios mixed with regular cherrios is their only option) and I buy multigrain whole wheat bread. They are allowed to have cocoa or chocolate milk every day.
Do the kids complain??? Of course they do. Do they starve? Absolutely not. Do they have to pinch their noses and force the nutritional stuff down? Absolutely. They get tons of junk and trash at the other houses.
My point is...I think you should continue to cook as usual. If SD wants to eat and is hungry she will. If not? Then she will be stubbornly hungry. Nurtion is way too important to be dictated by teenagers. I would not let her make her own or try to get DH to make her more of something once dinner is over.
Peace, love, and red wine
I fix ONE - count 'em ONE! - meal. Period.
Would you believe that the first time I cooked a meal for my stepchildren, my SS actually pointed to his plate and said, "Anne, what's that stuff?" I said, "Honey, those are GREEN BEANS." (He was almost seven... in seven years he'd never even SEEN a green bean. Sigh.) If it didn't come in a McDonald's wrapper, they were not only not interested, they were totally IGNORANT of what the food even was! But the rule in my house was, is and shall always be YOU EAT WHAT I PUT IN FRONT OF YOU OR YOU DON'T EAT UNTIL THE NEXT MEAL. (And if they don't like what I serve the first time, you can bet your sweet ass they will positively HATE what I serve next!)
~ Anne ~
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food
Just one more battle we have to fight or avoid as a step parent. For me, I grew up in a family that valued healthy, epicurean meals. So, I try to do the same. With the sk's, nothing I made was good enough. I tried to enforce an, if you don't like it, there is bread and peanut butter in the kitchen, help yourself, policy. My DH, seemed to feel that he should make them something they would like. The kitchen became a free for all, everything was cooked and wasted and a huge mess was left behind. Finally, I decided that I would not cook on the nights Sk's were here. I sort of had a revolt, quietly. I also let go of the fact that his style was way far from mine. Eventually, I began cooking again, if I felt generous and up to it, always trying to consider the sk's tastes, but found that they would still pick and push their food away. So, if they didn't want to eat, I figured they would survive. I then began cooking what I wanted to eat. We always had everyone at the table regardless of whether they would eat our food or not.
d
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Giving thanks
We usually say a prayer before we eat. One thing my MIL always says, and I have begun to say it too, after all the thanks etc. we say, and bless the hands that prepared this meal.
I love it, and I hope it sinks in.
Ooohhh....
I'm gonna borrow that one.
Here's another idea that I did for a while but have let slip. I allow one kid to help me prepare the whole meal. They really loved this and I would have an ally in encouraging others to eat it. I have been thinking about doing that again. I will definitely add that blessing the hands that prepared the meal in. That will be some really positive reinforcement.
Thanks for the idea!
Peace, love, and red wine
Thanks everyone
This is a no-win situation. My husband has always thought SD should be allowed to complain about my food and refuse to eat it. And now that she is in high school, he has become totally hands off. His thought is, she's old enough to do what she wants. I disagree, but it's a losing battle. I buy him Pepsi, and we have a pyramid of cans next to the kitchen sink. My husband got a can out of the 12-pack last night and noticed there was only one left. And it was the first can he had! SD had only been there four days since I had bought the 12-pack and had drunk nine of them! He doesn't seem to care, so why should I? I serve healthy meals for our two girls (4 and 1) and let the rest go.
It makes me sooo mad when
It makes me sooo mad when OUR significant others side with brats! Tell your husband that when she's around HE can do the cooking. Your not her servant. It's not your responsibility, it's his. The way I look at it is YOU made the tater tots so YOU can eat as many as you want.
When I first met my DH and
When I first met my DH and the skids, he would ask them (twins at the time 4) what THEY would like for dinner.. and he was literally a short order cook... 1 wants mac & cheese, 1 wants hot dogs.. and then he would ask me what I would want.
I broke him of that habit.. I pointed out that there should be 1 meal made.. everyone eats that meal.. no special orders.. that took several months to break them all.. eventually it happened.
During the months of breaking them.. we had made sandwiches for dinner prior to driving them home (keep in mind, they normally had McDonalds on the way home), my sd decides she isnt hungry.. I told my DH, there is no way... she is hungry for sure.. Nope.. Dh knows his d and she isnt lying.. Ok.. wait for it... we get in the car.. no sooner did he START the car did the sd say.. I am hungry.. can we go to McDonalds? I just looked at my dh and said.. told ya. So the next weekend we had them.. again prepared them sandwiches and sd says.. I am not hungry... I pop up and say fine. I will get a ziplock bag and bring it with us in case you change your mind.. Sure as sh*t we get in the car and she says she is hungry.. can we go to McDonald's.. NOPE.. i have your sandwich right here.. and that ended the I am not hungry struggle. LOL!!
They do still complain about the meals my dh makes... but dh only makes one meal.. and they are to eat if they want a meal.
She's at it again
She really never stops. Monday night I made fish sticks (which BD4 loves), mac and cheese, and green beans. My BDs 4 and 1 ate everything, SD ONLY ate mac & cheese. Whatever. Then last night I made lasagna and garlic bread. SD ate only a piece of garlic bread (I made one per person). BD4 wouldn't eat, and I told her she wouldn't get anything else to eat that night. And she didn't.
I don't know...
When I was 14 I was pretty much on my own. If I didn't want to eat what was cooked I was welcomed to eat whatever I could make myself. Nobody would make it for me & I was to clean up after myself & everyone else too.
Hipi
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
About Cruella's comment
I have always thought SD has an eating disorder, but it's not what you think. She is using the eating thing to get attention from her father. She eats when he's not there, but it's all crap. He bought her a ten-pack of burritos, and they were gone within a few days. I bought a box of pizza rolls and they are gone. She orders pizza when husband isn't home and hides it in her room. I see the empty boxes in the trash. She serves herself a tiny amount of food to eat with us at the table (so husband will say, in a concerned voice, "Is that all you're going to eat?") then stands in the kitchen and eats out of the skillet or saucepan. For her, this is just another method of manipulating and controlling her father. And of course it works.
I'm with Cruella
Bulimia is more common than anorexia... Binge eating in private can lead to problems.. keep an eye open. all of these eating disorders are a control issue. My oldest struggles with Bulimia.
My SD was a binge/hoarder
We had mice when I moved in. I still occasionally have to patrol her room to make sure there's nothing in there. She will occassionally have a ton of candy wrappers, but I no longer harp about those now that more serioius offenders are gone(unpopped microwave popcorn,, moldy leftover fruit, uncooked pasta, pepporoni -hidden in her furnace vent- no WONDER she was ill with stomach aches a lot when I first moved in!)It was anxiety eating. We still to set limits about how many servings etc she can have, and she continues to sneak stuff whenever she can. It sucks b/c either way she'll likely end up with an eating disorder since her relationship with food is so obsessive as it is. Besides the fact she is constantly complaining she is fat (she is in fact very muscular.) So it's only a matter of time.
Peace, love, and red wine
If this is the case
Then your got to tell your husband. Why does she want attention and if she disappears after food why is she. Does she not feel apart of the family when her dad is not there and only comes down when he comes done. I must say its hard when your dads not in the house walking around eating food you feel kind of like you shouldn't or being watched.
As for hiding in her room I did this aswell. Didn't want to be round my step-mum. You don't know what her reason for what she does is. How do you both get on because it's seems like you don't like her and she don't like you.
put your hands up and step away from the stove
not only is your DH in the wrong for being upset with you and not your SD ,but what is this crap about now BM will call and blame him for not feeding her, well then dad if you want a short order cook around the house to please princess, then get to cooking , rather then stand up and be a man who will not be a father to his brat and have balls when it comes to dealing with his ex, if he is going to blame you out of fear of dealing with her possible accusations!!!
Get that man an apron for Christmas and step away from the stove when SD is there.
"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard
Getting on my nerves
This food thing is really starting to get to me.
Last night (Tuesday) we had tacos for dinner. I bought shredded cheese Saturday. Husband got bag out and there was only about a tablespoon left. SD had eaten the rest. So I told husband I got the cheese (enough to make two tacos) and he and SD would have to make do.
SD comes into kitchen AFTER we are eating and says, "Is all the cheese gone?" Husband said yes and she left. He followed her. "Aren't you going to eat dinner?" "I'm not hungry." Bullshit. She ate almost an entire 8 oz package of cheese in ONE day (was at her mom's Sunday until 7:30 pm).
I have to HIDE food so we will have it long enough to make dinners. Had a box of pizza rolls in the freezer and that is gone. Husband thinks she's not eating. Whatever...
If I buy anything for myself, or DH
Then as soon as SD knows it's off limits she sneaks it, or it's her new favorite, or she begs constantly for it.
She has recently eaten a whole bag of marshmellows (my youngest son's favorite that he manages to make last for weeks with his hot chocolate.) SD hid some upstairs in the linen closet so she could get to it after we thought she was in bed. She also hides food in her back pack, and immediately after school runs to her room (to inhale some of it?)
I have given up, because I know that whatever focus I bring to it, only makes her obsession worse. I have decided to let her suffer the consequences of weight gain. She's very into her looks and I'm hoping it will open her eyes a litte. I know that may just set her up for binging.
I feel like food issues are established by the time they're 7 or so, and when you show up as a SM after that period of time, you're just screwed. Damned if you try to correct it, damned if you don't.
Peace, love, and red wine
and here I thought I was the
and here I thought I was the only one with this problem. SS is horrible about what he will or will not eat and since DH is picky too he doesn't make SS eat what he doesn't like.
Well the problem with that concept is that SS will like one thing one day and hate it the next. Therefore I've put down my foot, if he doesn't eat dinner than he waits till the next meal.
Also it's so expensive to feed SS - he likes steak and all the pricey instant food only and won't eat chicken and one day likes tacos and hates them the next. Oh hell no isn't going to happen anymore.