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having more kids

mgangnagel's picture

Submitted by mgangnagel on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 7:46am

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My fiance has just told me that after dating for 1 yrs he doesn't want any more kids. (He has two from his first marriage that I STILL have never met though he keeps telling me that I will). I am forty two, so first he said he didn't want a high risk pregnancym, and that he would adopt instead. Then, it was no, that he didn't want to do that either, after a year of leading me on. I feel led on both in the topic of us having kids and meeting his kids (for 10 wks, every two weeks when he had his kids he would tell me that I would meet them and then take it back). I am on the verge of breaking up with him, and he is now saying that he will definitely introduce his kids to me in two weeks when he has them again, but I think he would only do this so that he won't lose me, not because he wants to be a part of their family- which is such a joke. He keeps on telling me he is offering me a family, but I am turning it down by ALSO wanting my own kid with him, when he won't even introduce his children to me.

Honestly, I love him, but he has treated me so horrifically, I just don't know that we are done. It is fine if you don't want kids, but then tell me in the beginning, don't lead me on for over a year like this. Any help?

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 7:56am

Honestly, I love him, but he has treated me so horrifically
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HUH??

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 8:10am

First of all, there's no way in hell I would marry a man having never met his kids (I assume they are minors since they have visitation with him).

He has treated you horrifically but you don't know that you are done? Why would you NOT be done?

This guy is playing games with you and has no respect for you. Please, just be done.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 8:14am

Walk away. It's only been a year. You're not married and you don't have kids with him. You can make a clean break.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 8:30am

In his defense people change. I wouldn't automatically assume he's led you on from day one. But he's made his position clear. Marriage OK - kids NO. Personally I don't blame him - two is plenty and who wants to go through another ten years of marriage then another divorce and more child support? Especially for an adopted kid.

So your choice is clear. Find a guy willing to adopt kids with you or decide you're not going to raise children - ever. If you stay with him I wouldn't press to meet the children as I don't see any pressing advantage to doing so. In fact from the children's point of view studies have shown that children do better in school and social growth - maturity and such - if their parents don't remarry until they're out of high school.

As for getting married I can only comment on the legal/financial benefits of being married which you can weigh for yourself. Shared medical plan, home purchase that sort of thing.

QuailCreek's picture

Submitted by QuailCreek on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 9:19am

When you're first dating the dynamics of having more kids or making a blended family is just an abstract idea to some. After a year reality starts to sets in. Nobody's being mistreated and nobody's to blame.

However, a woman who wants a family the situation you're in could be horrific. Persuasion is going to cause resentment. If this is not what you want cut your losses or accept it.

abugandabean's picture

Submitted by abugandabean on Tue, 02/18/2014 - 9:34am

I agree to leave him. I know that is probably harder said than done however it seems like you two don't share a home since you've not met the kids so you wouldn't have to worry about dividing possessions and assets. Just make a clean break and find someone who can give you what you want. There is someone out there who wants what you do and don't settle for someone who can't make you a priority. I think everyone agrees that in these blended families that the marriage needs to be very strong and united and you're not going to have that. Plus what is gong to happen? You're going to get married have never met his kids and then they will be living with you occasionally during his visitation? That isn't going to be good for any of you.