Handling miscarriage with stepkids
So I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, went into induced labor and had a D&C done. My husband and stepkids were beyond excited for this baby and I finally felt like a complete family. I love my stepkids and I've always had a great relationship with them however since this miscarriage I've been feeling anger, sadness, and jealousy. I spent the first 5 days after the hospital with just my husband. We rarely have alone time because if he does not have the kids ( shared custody 50/50) he is at work and he is an ICU nurse so he works long hours. I loved just spending time with him.
The kids came back to us and honestly the first couple of days with them were better than I thought. I missed them and needed them but slowly I would see how their connection was so special with my husband. I would hear those words "I love you dadda or daddy" and instantly I became jealous. The weird part is I became jealous of my husband for having two kids of his own and able to fill that void of our baby not being here when I couldn't do that. I got jealous of him being called dadda or daddy. I want to be called mom or momma. Then I started getting jealous of the kids. I had my husband all to myself. He was the closest thing I had to my baby girl, so when the kids needed him, I felt as if I lost my baby girl all over again. I felt so lonely. I felt like I was in a rut. I feel stuck in these emotions.
It's so sad bc I use to love being alone, I loved seeing my husband be a dad, I loved story time with the kiddos but now I can't bear them. I mean seeing my husband tuck his own kids in saying I love you baby girl makes me sad and angry. I'm angry I can't do that to my baby. I've noticed saying snarky comments to my stepkids or ignoring them at some point or just being away. I feel awful afterwards but I don't know what's happening.
I'm not sure how to deal with things myself. There are not many forums on this situation or any books to help me. Sometimes I think I should move in to my moms house to give him space. The days get repetitive and his patience is about to blow bc of me. I just know it. I told him I need him. I'm like a child. A child who is obsessed with his momma. It's sad and pathetic really. I see his kids and I yearn for that connection. I mean for goodness sake I'm jealous of their own mother and I don't care for her. They're all so blessed. I'm not as lucky. How much time until things look up? Is this just grief from miscarriage? Is it me being upset that we don't ever had alone time together. I just need any advice please and thank you.
Hi Naya...
I am sorry you are going through this grief and loss. It is difficult.
I am confident what you are feeling is certainly normal. I had 3 miscarriages between my two children and it is a big loss. I felt the same feelings you are describing. If you see that it continues you may want to seek out someone to talk through this with.
Allow yourself time to feel every feeling and be kind to yourself...know this will pass.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I
I'm so sorry for your loss. I believe your feelings and behavior are part of the grief process. Everything you said makes sense. You and your husband have just been through a difficult loss. Your feelings of jealousy make sense - it makes you want what you currently do not have. It can be difficult to watch DH be "Dad" to his kids, when all you want is to be "Mom." I think you saw a glimpse of what your family and what that connection to your DH would look like and now you feel that slipping away and you feel isolated and like an outsider. You want to be called "Mommy" and to have that relationship with your own child, and reasonably so.
Be kind and patient with yourself. You are grieving. Seek comfort in your DH. He is grieving too.
I'm sorry - it's definitely a
I'm sorry - it's definitely a huge loss and you need to grieve. Take care of yourself.
Grief is so hard to deal with
Grief is so hard to deal with. But it is necessary to move on. I'm so sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with grief differently. Your feelings are valid. Just remember that. I think you should do whatever helps you feel better. Give yourself time. Talk to a therapist if you think it will help you. Just take care of your needs right now. Wishing you well.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. The grief can be crippling. I miscarried at 12 weeks, and I can't imagine that plus stepkids around.
Be sure to ask for help, especially from your DH. He probably doesn't know what to do for you and would welcome something specific. And he's working through his grief too.
Consider asking your doc for anti-anxiety meds for the next little bit, but don't try to suppress the grief either. It's an important process in healing.
I don't know what to say
I don't know what to say except you are not alone. I had miscarriages but i can't imagine having to deal with a step-situation on top of that. Both are hard enough on their own.
If possible, try to focus on you, getting healthy, and if you can, take a break from the skids as much as possible for the short term. However you have to do it.
Thank you all
Thank you everyone for helping me feel like it's okay to feel this way. I really appreciate the feedback. I am taking some time to stay with my mom when the kids are there for 5 days hoping that it'll get better and learn to adjust my time and feel these feelings.