Had to rant...OT
Forums:
Just called exH to get DD's dental info as I don't have her cards with me and I am trying to find a new dentist. So, I'm on the phone with him and he asks his wife if she can get the cards so he can give me the information. I hear her in the background..."well, she has the cards". WTF!!! I said to him, yes, I do have the cards but I don't have them with me right this minute and then sighed. WTF is the big deal about me calling to get my kid's insurance information!!!
It is SOOO frustrating that
It is SOOO frustrating that these simple conversations can't happen without conflict.
I can assure you that if BM called DH asking for information because it was more convenient for her .. he would deny it. She NEVER does anything to make even the simplest things easier for him .. so she gets the same treatment in return .. even if it's making her wait to schedule an appointment until she has her own records in front of her.
It is sad that people can't
It is sad that people can't just put up with each other. I will never understand why some BMs can't realize that it goes both ways! BMs can be assured that there are going to be times that they are going to want something out of the norm...and they will reap what they sow.
That's exactly it. DH used
That's exactly it. DH used to let these small things go and was pleasant to deal with when it came to her. But the more you give to our BM (even the tiniest little considerations) the more she demands. So now she doesn't get anything beyond what DH is court-ordered to provide.
It sounds like your ex is similar .. or do you think it's mostly his new wife that creates this drama? It seems that the new spouse/gf can really tend to make a situation much worse.
I don't want to be one of
I don't want to be one of those BM's that blame everything on the new spouse...but I really do think it is her. He generally is a great person to deal with and we get along fine, and have since shortly after the divorce, so I really think when there are issues that it mostly stems from her end.
While many of us stepmoms
While many of us stepmoms here deal with crazy jealous BMs, it's not to say that there aren't stepmoms stepping into new situations where they are crazy jealous too. We see stories on here all the time about SMs forcing their DHs to set boundaries that the SM is comfortable with .. I can easily see how this transition would strain any situation.
Just forces everyone to be strictly business .. no favors, no niceties, no considerations. Every man/woman for themselves. Makes me wonder how the kids in these situations will turn out seeing no compassion or friendliness between their parents?
As a stepmom, I can see it
As a stepmom, I can see it from her perspective. For your husband's new wife or girlfriend, it would be logical for you to just to wait and find it yourself instead of inconveniencing them about it. I don't know your situation, but ours is we have the kids for the most part. BM mainly has the kids on the weekends. It's about everyday she calls asking about something trivial.
I can understand that she
I can understand that she might have felt inconvenienced. I'm a stepmom too, but I would not have reacted like that had BM called DH for the insurance information.
I have DD all the time except every other weekend. I could have waited until I get home but the dentist office is closed by that time. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people who have to take care of something when I think of it or else I forget for another week
Yea, it was unavoidable, had
Yea, it was unavoidable, had I given it any thought this morning that I was going to be calling around to dentists today I would have made sure to have the info with me. I'm a bit scatterbrained sometimes and while I was sitting here I was thinking, darn, I have to do this right now or else I will keep forgetting. (Did I say I had been meaning to do this for the past 2 months?? :)).
Yes actually, she is also a BM and a SM as well....although from what I hear of both of her ex's she is one of the bat shit crazy BMs.
I forgot to add in my original post that I had called exH on his work cell phone to get the info and left a message as to what I was calling for, and he called me back from home...kind of an important part to leave out...see what I mean about scatterbrained??? :?
Whoops..mistake...haha.
Whoops..mistake...haha.
Haha....I'm glad I don't have
Haha....I'm glad I don't have to deal with a BM like that. Thankfully ours leaves us alone for the most-part. I tell you, some of the stories on here have made me even more careful of my actions as a BM...I don't want to be one of "those"...lol.
Well, one would think that as
Well, one would think that as adults, had he been inconvenienced by it he would have simply said BM, I can't be bothered, wait until you get home. I would have apologized for interrupting him and gotten over it. Instead she had to do as she always does and run her mouth in the background. If you don't want to be inconvenienced by the BM then don't answer the damned phone, or don't call her back when you see she's called...that simple.
HE was the one who inconvenienced HER by asking her to get the cards. I did not inconvenience HER in any way, aside from being alive.
You are absolutely
You are absolutely right...point well made
Thanks!
Yes, she does have the right
Yes, she does have the right to run her mouth on her phone as much as she wants...just as I have the right to think that it was entirely uncalled for.
Well EvilWicked, I don't
Well EvilWicked, I don't blame you at all but wasn't it just less than a month ago you sent an email to DH requesting solo communication with just him? I'm a BM & SM. I love my daughter's SM actually more than my BD does. I thank my lucky stars all the time. However, even I know if I were to send her a touchy email, I'd wait a bit till I felt less scattered brained & just made a hundred sticky notes to remind me to get the card myself in fear that I would look like one of "those BMs". Get where she may be coming from?
Sheldon.Fan, your ability to
Sheldon.Fan, your ability to make the most ridiculous assumptions astounds me. So, from the fact that I called exH for one piece of information, you gather that I cannot run my own home and cannot take care of myself. It’s an amazing gift you have there.
Yes, I did, and I haven't had
Yes, I did, and I haven't had any communication with him or her since then.
I would have been running my
I would have been running my mouth in the background too.
DSO has med cards for his kids. BM would wait until an hour before SS' appts and then txt DSO saying she needed a copy immediately while he was at work. I stepped in and helped her out 1 time, agreed to a meeting point and showed up 10 mins early. She was late and DSO later told me she was texting him saying I didn't show up and refused to answer my phone.
Why wouldn't you keep something so important in your wallet. You never know when you get a call and have to rush to the ER and need the insurance card right then and there.
Now if it were my nightmare
Now if it were my nightmare BM that called, I'd be in the background too. UNLESS skid was in ER only then would we move mountains. But who are we kidding here? Everything she used to call for was life or death.
I caution you, if you have a decent relationship with your kids SM, why oh why would you not write a hundred sticky notes to remind yourself instead of calling DH???? When I asked a favor from my ex&SM, I sent a thank you text or card. For an invite to their party, I sent a case of wine. Extreme maybe but I really do mean it when I say I want to keep the peace on that side of my life because my BD is there.
Think you need to question if you're not mistaking "peace" for "control". Even a slight bit of control for "little things" add up to a pile of manure for us SMs.
Just saying...
Well put Shook.
Well put Shook.
That is very nice of you
That is very nice of you Shook, to go out of your way in thanking them for a favor done. More people should be like you. I honestly really did not think that me calling for the information would have been a big deal for her, as it would not have been for me were the roles reversed. I think that's why I was so taken aback by it. I guess I can chalk this up to a lesson learned.
Excellent solution! I
Excellent solution!
I actually have our crazy BM's car plates in my phone, just in case she decides to violate the RO...again.
THAT is a great solution!! I
THAT is a great solution!! I would have never though of that and will do it as soon as I get home. Thanks!
Pinata, a couple of weeks ago
Pinata, a couple of weeks ago she posted that she and the ex would chat on the regular about non kid things. That sometimes they would even discuss his relationship with SM. I can understand why she would get upset, it wasn't something that needed to be taken care of rightthisveryminute.
Well you ladies know there
Well you ladies know there are some very successful blended families out there. They do exist where the lines of communication are open. If I had to, I'd call SM for the card & she'd gladly give it to me. But I wouldn't dare be so bold as to call for anything a few weeks after I sent a hard lined boundary email. But then again, if I did send that email to my SM, she'd question what issue I was going through & everything would be talked out & settled. So if you're not going to talk it out, then please please for heavens sakes, don't call for small things. She's just asking for trouble now.
Shook, Couldn't agree with
Shook, Couldn't agree with you more
I am probably misinterpreting
I am probably misinterpreting what you mean by a hard lined boundary email...but I did try to be very nice in my email to the ex, and telling him that I appreciated the positive influence that SM has in DD's life, and that I appreciate that she cares for DD.
I also did not get a response from him, which is fine, I didn't need one. I also didn't hound him and ask him if he got the email, etc...which is something I would imagine someone who wanted to keep contact and be in control would do. I just figured he got it, stayed in the car when we exchanged DD this past weekend, and this is the first time I've talked to him since I sent the email.
Actually, if you re-read my
Actually, if you re-read my post I said that we chatted about our child when she was younger and that HE discusses his relationship with his wife, to which I respond that I didn't think she would appreciate him doing that AND offering advice from a SM's point of view in HER DEFENSE. Did I overstep my bounds by offering advice, yes, but I did it to attempt to make him a little more tolerant of some of the things he was complaining about.
Think we get your POV. Now
Think we get your POV. Now you have to see it from her POV.
Just rein it in a little. Being a little scattered brain (oopsie, giggle, giggle) & calling up DH right after that email won't help them understand your POV, you know.
You do see how many blogs & posts are on here about BMs calling for
every
single
little
thing
It's irritating.
Oh, I know, and I do
Oh, I know, and I do understand and I guess I should have looked at the bigger picture instead of thinking well, it's not like I'm calling her for the info after asking for no contact from her. That I would not have done...lol.
Yeah, just rein it in a
Yeah, just rein it in a little. I always have to catch myself as well
So let's see here, I called
So let's see here, I called him on his work phone and he didn't answer. He then chose to call me back from his home phone, which he didn't have to do. I told him what I needed and why I needed it, he said okay and gave me the info. It did not in any way, shape or form have anything to do with her, except for what he did to include her in it, nor was the conversation with him any more than business. As a matter of fact, I kept trying to get off of the phone and she kept telling him to ask me this and ask me that or tell me this and that. Finally I said I had to go.
I wanted to find a new dentist because THEY decided they weren't going to take DD to their dentist anymore. Yes, maybe I could have waited and hoped to remember the following day or two or three, however, I really honestly did not see the big deal about calling to get the information. It is nothing more than I would have done for them had they called me for the information. I did not have any type of nefarious plot in mind. My thoughts did not go any farther than "oh, I need to take care of this before I keep forgetting". Yes, I'm a bad BM because I forget things. If I even knew the name of the insurance company I would have found their number and called them. (ExH and his wife used to take DD with them to the dentist when they and the kids went, so I just within the past 5 months got the card and haven't had to take her yet). I would have called my husband to get him to get the information for me, but he was at work as well. Had exH not called me back I would have just had to deal with it and go on, no biggie. If my call to his work phone interrupted their day then it's all on him for taking the time to call me back. I didn't say it was an emergency and demand for him to call me back. I didn't demand the information from him. I asked him if he had the info handy if he would mind giving it to me. He could have said no...no harm no foul.
So, in all of this I'm the bad guy because I shouldn't call exH about something that has to do with my kid because I asked him not to have her being the one communicating with me??? I'm confused, sorry.
Speaking from a SM side, I wouldn't give a flying fuck if DH's ex called to get the kids insurance information...who gives a crap. I would assume she needed it and didn't have it with her...big deal. I wouldn't care if she asked him to not have me contact her, because I don't anyway...that's their job to be in touch with each other for whatever they feel like talking about. It has nothing to do with me. I don't feel the need to have my thumb on top of him and everything he does.
I hope for their sake they
I hope for their sake they don't start thinking this way...that ex's aren't for favors, because it certainly goes both ways as I've done plenty of favors for both of them.
Look, no one is saying you
Look, no one is saying you are a bad guy. Your Ex asked you to communicate through his new wife a couple of weeks ago, right? You responded with an email saying you would prefer to communicate through him only. Nothing wrong with that by any means. Trust me, I don’t talk to the BM in our situation at all. But you did say that you are only going to email him or call him at work so SM won’t know about it. You called him at work, he returned your call while at home with his wife. Boundaries go both ways. I could be wrong but it seems he’s attempting to tell you that he’s not comfortable with how you two are communicating. Would it be better if he was up front and blunt. Maybe, but we also know that the men in our lives try very hard not to rock the boat either way. He is setting boundaries with you, you just don’t seem to be listening. Respect goes both ways.
Agree Sun. He's probably
Agree Sun. He's probably uncomfortable & just trying to be diplomatic with you, which is actually a positive testament to the both of you as adults. What a concept eh? Adults as parents? My BM missed that memo. But there's a poor SM here. If you're considerate of her during this insecure blending time (and that takes years---if ever), she'll eventually learn on how to have an open door communication with you--if SHE wants to & she sounds reasonably sane so that could happen. But if you keep this up, you'll be helping her to shut that door on you.
Invest in sticky notes. I keep some permanently up like: "Don't run BM over"
I have two BMs to deal with.
I have two BMs to deal with. I hate one with every ounce of my soul. The other one I get along with just fine.
I can't imagine getting my panties in a bunch over either one calling about something like this. Why waste energy getting annoyed over something that damn petty