The guilt is killing me but I can't help it
Hi there, I'm new to this site and found it after browsing for some time looking for help on dealing with being a step parent. I am currently engaged to the man of my dreams who happens to come with a little 3 year old girl. We have been together for 2 years and I have known his daughter since she was 1 1/2 years old. Her BM is a junkie and is currently in jail. My fiance has full custody but his ex is allowed SUPERVISED visitation for 8 hours/week (she waived it while in jail). I'm finding this to be one of the most difficult, frustrating, and thankless undertakings I have yet to come up against. His daughter really is a doll and a generally well-behaved child but parenting her has been the source of a lot of friction between he and I. I have tried to not let it get to me but it does and I fear that I can't supress my feelings much longer. He has told me that he wants my involvement in her life to be whatever makes me feel comfortable but at the same time our lives don't allow for that. I wake her up every morning, get her dressed, feed her, take her to daycare, go to work, usually pick her up after work, cook dinner, and then we usually share the duties of bathing her and putting her to bed in the evening. Because of his work schedule, I HAVE to be involved in taking care of her so I can't really choose my level of involvement. Plus I know he really wants me to be her mother as her BM really is beyond help. I want this too, more than anything but I am finding that my feelings lean more often than not towards resenting her and wanting to be away from her. I feel so terrible and guilty about this and it eats away at me because I don't know what to do. I adore my fiance but he tends to be far more laid-back than me and often doesn't notice when she is misbehaving. As a result, I'm always the one correcting her which makes me the bad guy. He will back me up most of the time if I correct her but not always and it bothers me that 90% of the time, he doesn't even notice she's misbehaving so I am the one speaking up. I'm not strict either, I just believe in teaching a child manners early in life as so few people seem to have them these days. All I want is that she ASK for things rather than say, "I want ____" and that she not chew with her mouth wide open or watch TV while eating as she gets too distracted and her food gets cold. I know she's only 3 so you can't expect the world from her but I don't think I'm asking for much here either. She also has gotten into competing with me for her father's attention which is really starting to get irritating. He can be all over her but if he comes to give me one hug or kiss she has to interrupt. Last night in particular she interrupted us about 20 different times just to tell her dad she loved him. He loves it but it's really getting to me lately because it happens EVERY time he diverts his attention to me even for just a minute. I guess I just need to vent every now and then and hearing other people's experiences and difficulties helps too as I don't feel alone in this. I just feel so overwhealmed right now because I also manage all our finances, take care of the household chores, do all the cooking, and I'm also trying to plan a wedding in the middle of this. It also hurts a bit that she calls my mom "grandma" and is always so happy to see her but she calls me by my first name. I don't even seem to exist once my mom is in the room and she just takes over. My mom has completely fallen in love with her and I envy that feeling but I just don't feel the same for her no matter how hard I try. I know it's an awful thing to say but it's the truth. I appreciate anyone's input and thank you in advance.
Its great that you recognize
Its great that you recognize this, and that you don't try to suppress it. It is a very hard thing to accept another woman's child. Period!
Your jealous of her, and I understand that, I was when I started dating my husband and I had to share his attention with my Skids. I couldn't wait for them to go to BMs.
First, you need to be on the same page as your FH when it comes to parenting. If you plan on having more, this will always be a bone of contention. If you take on the bad guy role all the time, you will end up resenting him. Like you, when I moved in with my husband, so did the kids, we got custody of them when the divorce was final. My SD7 (5 then) is special needs, so I took on most of the parenting with her, disciplining her and so on and so forth. Luckily my DH was open to change with all of them and we started working together to change bad behaviors. But I am still the main disciplinarian, as I am still a stay at home Smom.
Second, I would STRONGLY recommend getting yourself a counselor who can help you deal with these feelings. Remember, its our job to love a child not their job to love us. SD7 waited till we were married to call me mom, and my older two Skids just recently started calling me mom. My parents have been Gramma and Grampa from day one. It's a lot easier to accept new grandparents then parents.
Third, I also strongly suggest Love and Logic Parenting classes. They are wonderful, I use them, and they have completely changed my relationship with my Skids.
At 3 I want is pretty common, but I had to break that at 5. I simply said (or still say) "That's nice, thank you for sharing that with me." and leave the room, or go back to what I was doing. I also had to break eating in front of the TV - in fact the first thing SD7 would do when she woke up from in front of the TV was turn it on. That changed. Two ideas are "Your more then welcome to watch TV when your dinner is done," or "You have ___ mins to finish your dinner, would you like to eat it now or would you like to wait till snack?"
Fathers attention: "Looks like you need some _____(name) time." Stop what your doing snuggle her and then send her to what she was doing. When she comes back say something like "I love you (name) but now its time for mom and dad time" and turn her back around. My kids are trained to put a hand on my arm when they need something and their father and I are talking. I then place my hand on their hand to acknowledge them and when we can break the conversation I ask them what they need.
Your taking your SD actions personally. STOP! When you stop, you will won't be hurt by them. I am completely non existent when SD7's BM is with us.
Finally, then I'll let you digest, take a night a week when you can, and make it you and her time. Let her have complete control of the time, as long as she is respectful. Play games with her, snuggle in front of the tv, do her nails, whatever SHE wants to do. This will help counter your having to enforce all the rules. The hardest thing to do is let her be in control for that hour or two. We have one hour every Wednesday cause its just the two of us home. SD7 and me.
I really hope this helps. Good Luck
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your help. You said a lot of important things and I will try to work on them. I think a councelor would help but I have no time so I'm hoping this sort of forum may serve as a bit of therapy/venting. I think I also find this so difficult because I generally do not like babies/young children. My fiance already had her though and because I adore him, I want to try and make this work for all of us. I've never wanted any kids of my own and I find I get anxious dealing with smaller children in particular because of the communication barrier. I'm unfortunately a control-freak, orderly, and have a need to make sense of everything. At 3, she is just starting to be a little conversational but she still doesn't understand a lot of what we try to explain to her or just plain doesn't want to accept what we tell her. She gets upset over the smallest thing like the color of her socks and pouts or gives me attitude over the most trivial things. As a result, it's incredibly frustrating to me as something so small would have absolutely no effect on me. I know she is young so a molehill is a mountain to her but it doesn't make it any less frustrating to me. I want to make this work as I love my fiance more than anything. I'm hoping that as she gets older and is better able to communicate with me, things will be a bit better. She's still at the stage where she will get upset or angry but when I ask her why, she just shrugs so she's still trying to figure out her emotions. I just really am asking for patience because I'm really starting to lose my mind with everything else going on right now on top of this.
Well if you ever need to
Well if you ever need to talk, I am a good listener
Message me. It hard changing your life around. I can give you examples of what I do with my SD7 who has OCD along with everything else. "SD7 do you want these socks today or these socks today?" and I give her two choice and I let her pick. Any time you can give her a choice of things that either outcome is fine with you do it. I mean as trivial as;
Would you like to sleep with the light on or off (if you don't mind it left on) would you like to put your left shoe on first or your right?
Would you like the princess cup or the dora cup?
Would you like to read this book or this one?
What ever you can possibly give her a choice too, it makes her feel in control and then big issues you have, whether others see it as so or not, I am also a neat freak, she won't fight you on nearly as much.
If she wants to pout and scream "I love you, your hurting my ears, and I think you need some bedroom time."
Giving SD7 choices has made it so when its not TV time and she ask and I say no, she shrugs and say "Ok, I'll play with my Zhu Zhus" or when cleaning out her books and getting rid of ones that are too young for her and I get "but I want that one" "well SD7 you got to make all the decisions today, don't you think its my turn?" or "Well if you really want to keep this one, your going to have to pick three that you will donate."
Do you and your fiancée have date night?
Wow, Stepmom23 that's some
Wow, Stepmom23 that's some great advice. You really covered alot with fantastic insight!
My FH is the same way with my SS8 & SD7 as far as just not noticing when they are doing something they shouldn't be.
After 2 years, we are finally to a place to where I can nudge him or just say his name & a "check SS8" or "check SS7" look & he'll come to reality & see what's going on & put a stop to it. I still discipline when I need to, but I feel like it is more balanced now & I'm not "the bad guy".
The her/you time is a great idea. I do that with both the Skids & they love it. It's normally a fun experience for me too
Thank you Anywho78 - I have
Thank you Anywho78 - I have jumped on any parenting class I could/can since taking on my Skids. My oldest is only 13 yrs younger then me. He still calls me mom though ;)My most favorite one liner to end an argument "I am not biologically old enough for this argument"
I have a wonderful relationship with him, but that really annoys him and he shuts up.
Lol I did learn with SD7 we know move the couch to the TV (she has bad eye sight) instead of laying on the hardwood floor
Man did my hips hurt after watching Strawberry Shortcake!