A good old vent from the evil SM.
:sick: I need to vent, please bear with me. We have the skids FT since custody was reversed. BM has been ordered to have supervised visits, yet to date, has not done so. I am sick and tired of excuses--especially from my husband, who says BM has no money, no job, blah blah blah to get a person to supervise her visits with the kids. BM wants he or his family to supervise her-but it's truly not a good idea considering the lengthy history of manipulation--and quite honestly, my husband cannot develop a backbone with her. My husband will tell me that she contacted him about some request she has, and he wants to check with me--we talk about it and come to a mutual agreement based on her request--yet then I will find out that everything he and I agreed on goes right out the window when he returns her call!
BM has a cell phone, she has money to buy alcohol, get her hair done....she can't afford to contact an agency or person certified to supervise her so that she can see her kids? There are agencies which offer sliding scale fees for goodness sake!Excuses, excuses, excuses...
The judge did not order her to hand over the kids because she's responsible, or interested in being a parent. We have them because there are serious issues related to her ability to parent them. I'm sick and tired of being the reason he uses that BM doesn't get to see her kids. They all need to take Co-Dependency workshops to work through the scapegoating and patterns of blame that has been continuing since the day she entered everyone's life! I hate having to smile and fake it when BM's name is mentioned in front of the kids--or if the skids make any comments--I've had to grin and bear it so that they don't have to feel caught in the middle, or bad about it. I've done it so that they can develop healthy self-esteem, despite all that they've been through in her care. I help with homework, go to school functions, take care of them when they are ill, sit up nights with them, been there for the breakdowns after they were removed....I do it because I would want my children to have that kind of love. I do it because they need it, and I love them. I am not their BM, never will be, I'm just an adult that truly wants them to grow up emotionally stable and able to be productive, respectable adults.
If I hear one more sickening word of compassion about her and the situation she created for herself--because of her decisions, I will scream! It is just making our relationship fall apart. UGH.
Thanks for listening.
I agree with you,
I agree with you, Earthshaker, 100%. We never got a cent in child support but just having the kids with us was enough.
I'm sorry you have to deal
I'm sorry you have to deal with a nasty BM and a DH that won't stand up to her. It's admirable that you're willing to sacrifice so much to make sure those kids have a stable environment. When you said the judge didn't hand over the kids to you because she was a responsible BM, etc., it made me think of something I saw our BM post on FB.
BM and DH had gone to see a psychologist recently (the appt. was supposed to be for SS and DH), and BM was boasting on FB about how it wasn't so easy to "bully" her and that the psychologist "asked them to come back". I just want to scream at her...HELLO...WHEN A PSYCHOLOGIST ASKS YOU TO COME BACK, IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE A SWELL PERSON, IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A FREAKIN LOON! (sweet smile)
Anyway, keep being the great person you are. You will eventually get your reward. Those kids know the score...they know you're really the mom. I suspect that when they're adults, they will thank you for being there for them!
Is there a problem with BM
Is there a problem with BM not visiting? We have FT custody of SD and not having to deal with visits would be a dream! I know that SD loves BM but honestly, the longer SD goes without seeing or hearing from BM, the better it is for her. She is so much more well-behaved and seems happier. BM comes with DRAMA and while I know SD misses her, we can all do without her BS.
How would DH feel about you taking over and fielding all the visitation requests from BM. Block her number from DH's cell and only give her your cell number as a contact. That way, BM won't be able to play her sympathy card with DH. Think it'll work?
Good for you for truly caring about your skids. My heart really goes out to those kids who don't seem to have parents OR Sparents who care!
We got custody after BM
We got custody after BM abandoned the kids to us, pretty much as soon as I was in the picture as what she called a 'stabilising influence' on DH. Bullshit! She just did not want to continue the charade of 'parenting' and believed it was 'his turn' now since she'd done it for 10 years...Yep...those formative years were hell for those kids. I love them very much and It's been a long haul with all the PAS and the kids behaviors, learned behaviors, and DH and I have been to hell and back with them. It's put a huge strain on our relationship but we made it, SKids (twins) are 18 now! I really do have a lot of empathy for all that folks are still going through. I did disengage for a while, I had to! DH was not seeing the bigger picture and was very much 'guilty daddy' and expecting me to pick up too much of the slack with regard to parenting and the kids were becoming too manipulative. It had to STOP! He pretty soon saw the kids' intentions and did right. BM is a different story, she's always going to try and keep her nose in our business and alienate the kids. I bank on the kids coming to understand the situation better as they get older, already SD is seeing things more clearly and telling me she understands why I did the things I did 'for' her and not 'to' her...huge step forward! BM currently has her hooks into SS, he went back to live with her. I think it will last three months and SS will see her true colors and want back with us...we'll have to pick up the pieces for him the same way we picked them up for SD when she was dissilusioned by her mother. EVERY time BM has any involvement with the kids the sh1t hits the fan and we pick up the pieces...it's getting really old! Now that the kids are of age I am suggesting that they take responsibility for their choices. After I disengaged DH used the 'now you are older this is how it is' card. What a roller coaster ride!!
Thanks for the replies...yes,
Thanks for the replies...yes, it's hard, and I would rather BM NOT have any visitation whatsoever, because the kids really fall apart, get anxious, act out,become withdrawn, whenever they even speak with her on the phone. I'm hanging in there, and trying to set my own boundries, but again, it's a huge mental rollercoaster everyday. I hope that she becomes exhausted with her lifestyle and realizes she can't continue, but who knows I might not be around anymore. I love my husband, but it's driving a fantastic wedge between us. I've been shifting my attitude a little to protect myself, and my own BS. My husband knows that our marriage is suffering, but it doesn't seem to be a priority for him. We are literally two families living under one roof. I just feel numb.