Getting married - but wish SD didnt exist!
Hi all,
Just needing to vent...
Getting married in a few weeks and really excited about it; the only cloud is SD15. The more I get to know her (moved-in a year ago, first met two years ago) the more I dislike her and I had this sudden crashing realisation today that "OMG, I'm pledging to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man... but that means spending it with this b*tch too". She is the exact kind of person I would avoid in my life usually, and I'd love to think she'll grow up and change but her BM is EXACTLY the same (eye-wateringly selfish like you wouldn't believe) and I think she will always be like it. There is not ONE aspect of her personality I like or can respect (and I've tried desperately to see something good there) and in a year I've only seen her do ONE thing i can admire her for.
As with so many SDs I've read about here, she is daddy's little princess, acts like Daddy is HER husband, and though he discourages aspects of it (example, she wants him to tuck her into bed at night and sit with he till she falls asleep... she's FIFTEEN!!! - till recently he did but now says no - we have her and SS 2-4 nights a week) there are many others that he doesn't even SEE.
I have it so good in most ways - he is amazing, I do believe we are soulmates, and there is a SS13 who is lovely and actually gave me a mother's day present "because you do so much for us and there should be a step-mom day and it's not fair that there isn't because you deserve thanks too". Compared to so many stories i read here I should be very thankful with my situation! But how do I stop my negative feelings for SD ruining my happiness of all this other good stuff?? Today I actually found myself thinking "I wish she were dead" before quickly clairfying in my head "I wish she had never existed" !!!! I hate myself for thinking that.
Any advice on how to let it go??
Rach
LOL- we are the same
LOL- we are the same person...
I only have one SD13 thank god, but I wish she didn't exist either. Just so you know- getting married made it worse. BUT! It's because my BM is batsh!t.
We only have EOW, and that's only when she decides to come over. Her BM encourages her to ditch visits regularly.
I tend to take a class or go to yoga when she is around. You will one day hit your breaking point and will figure out your groove.
Good luck!
wow! ultimately it will come
wow! ultimately it will come down to how your husband responds to her and the limits he set for her. your relationship has to be #1. You have to come first. He must be able to confront or ignore her when necessary. He must be able to stick up for you. Are you seeing those things so far? (I get the impression that you are). It's not going to be easy with her. Hopefully as she grows up, she will mellow out. However, there are lots of women on this site with older skids (adults or young adults) who are still nasty and excluding. It's hard and painful at times. Your house and marriage must be a safe protective space for you!
Sometimes therapy (With a therapist who has experience with step-families) can be helpful. You need to be able to allow yourself to feel how you feel (without guilt or judgment) before you can "get over it." Also keep in mind that you may never "get over it" because she may keep acting like an idiot.
Statistically, stepfamilies have the most difficulty when they form when skids are teens/ preteens. It might be a rough road for a bit there, hang on and focus on what's important-- your relationship with your husband.
GOOD LUCK!!! *should have said "soon to be husband"
LOL@ Rising drinking. Good
LOL@ Rising drinking. Good simple 5 tips there! Be a unit, disengage, DH back bone, good step therapist & lots of wine. Think I'll share that with DH!
I don't think anyone is HAPPY
I don't think anyone is HAPPY that their DH had kids before they were together, even if the skids are good. Ya know? It's like a fragment of his past is walking around your house, making a mess, eating your food, and ruining your plans lol. My SD is only 5 so when you said yours is 15 I immediately thought "you only have 3 more years!" but I know that is not entirely true from what I have read on this site! I don't think you are ever going to love your SD, but try to remember you are marrying your DH, not her. Yes, she is his kid and she is part of the "package" (I HATE when people say that!) but a marriage is between 2 people, and a 15 year old girl is not one of those people!
YES! ^^ this Just before we
YES!
this
Just before we got married DH moved in with me. He was in the process of selling his house, and he moved to mine bc its nicer.
I had unbelievably negative feelings about having to give up a room to be SD's, particularly when she was not very nice to me. Move forward a few years, it is now called the spare room. She has slept there once this year.
Thanks all. Yes I've read the
Thanks all. Yes I've read the statistics (in the fab 'Stepmonster' book) that my situation is the most doomed to fail statistically (I'm younger - though 38 so hardly a spring chick) and childless and his are two teens and are with us a lot of the time).... but also heartened by stats that where the marriage lasts more than five years it is then MORE likely to survive than other types of marriage. I'm glad he has kids as I don't want any biologically, and he is such a great dad and loves being so, I'm glad he has that in his life. I see so much of him in his son, I'm so pleased the world has another person so much like him, it needs such good people. But SD is totally the opposite. I guess it's hard when you've been brought up not to think nasty things then you find yourself wishing a CHILD didn't exist.
I read so many books, I thought I'd prepared myself as best as ever possible for the situation. But it's only today it really hit me "oh lord I spend the rest of my life with HER as part of it!"
But yes I must remember I'm marrying him not her. And Christinen - yes I have the exact same thought, SD uttered the words "when I go to university..." for the first time the other day and I had to restrain myself from jumping up and punching the air! I'm counting the days, three years! (though also wondering if life will then become a series of rescue trip when she calls Daddy when the slightest thing goes wrong.... she won't even make cheese on toast on her own). Good luck with your longer sentence!
Rach
It's like a fragment of his
It's like a fragment of his past is walking around your house, making a mess, eating your food, and ruining your plans lol
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That is one of the best sentences I have read on ST. Describes how I use to feel pretty much to a T.
Before DH & I got married, we laid down some ground rules. I let him know what I would tolerate and what I would not. I grew up a SD, so I know what daughters are capapble of doing. My DH was very understanding and he agrees that our relationship is first & foremost, no one will dis-respect either of us and get away with it.
Sometimes I picture myself busting SD20 right in the mouth, helps with some of my anger issues with her. Other times I feel sorry for her, not often, but still I do. She refuses to see how her spiteful ways, along with her Mother's are what damaged her relationship with DH, not me. But mostly I let go of my feelings because of my DH and the love we have for each other. We have found our happiness, and I'm not going to let anyone ruin it, I won't give them the space in my head.
Don't feel bad about your feelings, we all have them, it's just that you're not supposed to say them out loud. Thank God for ST, you can let it all go here.
oh, A good shot of vodka always helps me too, lol
Good Luck, focus on your DH and ya'll can make it thru anything she throws at ya
Beaccountable (great name by
Beaccountable (great name by the way) - yes he does know, although I haven't shared today's feeling that I wish she didn't exist. On two occasions (after particularly bad behaviour from her) I've had rants (in private of course) where I've said i can't see a single good thing in her and so it's a real struggle to carry on being positive and chilled and offering friendship to her. He sypmathises and in fact agrees... he struggles to see much other than pure selfishness and laziness in her himself - we dedicated an evening recently (at my suggestion) to talking about the kids and how we can best encourage their good traits and support them in that and how we can gently guide them away from their negative traits - and he strugged to name even one positive trait in her. We both try so hard not to compare her to BM, to see her as her own individual human being, to ignore the screamingly-obvious mini-me aspect. But sometimes like today I just feel like giving up on her, and that feeling of failure is then a cloud over the whole situation.
Thanks Soon2B. Maybe this is just a form of pre-wedding jitters!!
DTZY, when I first got on
DTZY, when I first got on here a few months back, my situation was insurmountable it seemed. Then I saw yours & think it was fedup13(??)'s posts & it opened my eyes big time! You both came from previous relationships/families that were so much easier, accepting like my previous relationship. I really thought it was going to be the same. Then I thought maybe I was to blame for all of skid's ill behavior, deceit, etc. at least that's what the family's therapist was implying that I wasn't trying hard enough. Really deflated & heartbroken with stacking legal bills with crazy BM, children's services, the works.
That made me question, well how the hell is my daughters, her SMs & my ex's relationships always worked out so positive with me?? I printed out one of your epic posts
& made DH read it.
I probably owe you a royalty check don't I? It's in the mail lol
I dislike my SD7 too...
I dislike my SD7 too... You're lucky though... your SD is 15. That means you only have a few more years to really worry about it. Now that my SS's are older, I don't worry about them as much and their mother isn't as involved so I can get through it.
But SD7 and her POS mother? Different story. I wish SD7 didn't exist either. She demands so much attention and takes so much energy. I wish I had some good advice for you on how to "let it go" but I've been searching for an answer to that for 4 years now and haven't come up with one. In fact, I just don't want to deal with SD7 and her BM anymore to the point where I am ready to leave my DH.
Here's all I have to offer... being that 15 isn't that far from 18, and you love your soulmate, you can probably stick it out. My SD was 3 when I came into her life. And I'm just not sure I can hang in there for the whole 15 years until she turns 18.
Good luck! (HUGS)
I left my SO due to his son
I left my SO due to his son who is 5yo. I couldnt handle it. I just think theres no point in pretending you're ok when inside you are crumbling. We shouldnt have to sneak away to express our feelings about this situation. Nobody has any sympathy for us and its always about the child. I effin hate how his child has ruined my happiness. Kids ruin everything!
One piece of advice I will
One piece of advice I will give is this: Don't expect things to magically resolve themselves or problems will disappear when skids become "of age." Many times problem kids turn into problem adults, with much bigger impacts and costs.
I highly encourage people to spend some time in the "Adult Stepchildren" forum so they can see what kinds of issues may manifest later down the line - sometimes for DECADES later.
On the positive side, there are also many cases where troubled teen skids do turn out alright or at least don't interfere with your daily life with your spouse. That's been my experience thus far - SD has matured and is easier to be around than when she was an awful teen. She is working and we rarely hear from her. SS has completely dropped off the planet; has nothing to do with anyone in his family anymore - except BM.
Bottom line: It's a gamble. There are no guarantees that good or bad kids will become good or bad adults. There is no guarantee that skids will even be around once they mature. Likewise, there is no guarantee that skids won't be a daily thorn in your side for the rest of your life.
I wish my SD6 was never born
I wish my SD6 was never born too!
BUT... At my wedding I was very clear with her dad that this isn't a family function, this isn't about her... IT's no 99% you getting married and 1% joining of a family. This Day/wedding weekend is about you and NOT about her. Make sure he has someone arranged to care for what ever she needs, because what you need from him takes priority on this day and during this time. Be CLEAR is the key. What do you need from him? Find out what he needs from you...
I told my husband that IF he wanted to have his kid there at all it needed to be made clear to her and everyone else this ISNT her wedding! All Kid problems needed to be attended to by someone else besides him. OR... She wasn't invited... or I wasn't showing up. I wasn't about to let go of my only wedding because his love child was needy! They both did great with this request and there wasn't an issue. She wasn't allowed at the service, because she can't leave her dad alone at all... which turned out GREAT!
IT's your wedding!
Are you happy with those
Are you happy with those feelings though? I wanted to marry my partner, infact we planned it. But i fast forwarded in my head to our wedding day and his stupid 5yp brat in MY wedding photos, eating at the top table. Constantly demanding his dads attention. I absolutely love that man but i hate hate hate his child and i couldnt pretend anymore. I made the decision to end it yesterday, to say im distraught is an understatement
i wish tht child would piss off and never come back.