Getting married, SD won't go bc of her BM
Just found this site and hoping to find some support and clarity for current situation. I've been dealing with BM for 8 years, we get kids every other weekend (SS 13, SD 11). Tgeirbdad asked me to marry him in march this year and we set a date for October 2018. SD recently had teacher call her dad, she has been crying in school and is apparently upset about the wedding and can't stop thinking about it. She told us "I am happy for you guys and I want to be there but I just know I will be upset and crying the whole time thinking of my mom, it will be a really tough day for her". We told her it's ok if she doesn't come (trying to alleviate any pressure), but now me and her dad are upset that we won't have his kids there on our wedding day. We are both stuck, not sure how to deal with this. Any thoughts are welcome <3
Get the kid into therapy.
Get the kid into therapy. This isn't normal.
Plus you're a year away.
Plus you're a year away. Things could change...they often do with kids
What is the relationship like
What is the relationship like with BM? Is she still hung up on your FDH? Is your SD a super empathetic kid, or super anxious?
Agree with the above to get the girl to speak with a counselor. It's a year out and she's crying in school? Either BM is putting all her emotions on this poor girl (or trying to get her to swear loyalty to BM) or SD has some serious emotional issues that she needs to work through.
BM hates me. SD is very
BM hates me. SD is very empathetic. I think it's a combination of emotional stuff (hormones, she has matured early) and we think BM is doing what you said, putting all her emotions into SD. There is a lot more history with BM that makes us not surprised by this. We have talked about therapy, looking into who to have her talk to. BM is avoiding therapy discussions. For me and FDH, we are nervous this will put a damper on our wedding day. Not sure how to accept not having the kids there. Is it wrong to have a wedding without them, should we just go to town hall and not make a big thing of it? We are nervous the kids will regret not being there when they are older. Could be we are over analyzing. Just want to do the right thing.
I agree therapy is a must.
I agree therapy is a must. She seems a little extra sensitive but also if BM doesn't have anyone it could be hard for her to see dad getting married and feeling like moms all alone. There could also be a ton of other factors playing into this but BM being alone may be the easiest for her to identify and latch onto.
I had not thought of it that
I had not thought of it that way. BM was engaged and SD did not like BM's FDH, so BM broke up with him and he moved out. Recently he has been back in the picture. Thank you for the support, I am so glad I found this site and posted.
She needs a neutral person to
She needs a neutral person to address why thinking of BM would traumatize her. If it is her fear of what might happen to BM that should be addressed. If it is BM projecting her stuff then that needs to be dealt with differently.
Children often worry about things that are not real - even without any prompting from others. But more frequently a child has things planted in their mind by a vengeful ex.
I agree. Based on our
I agree. Based on our experience, we suspect projection. But we also don't have any proof of that and will not put SD in a position where we are drilling and questioning her. SD has admitted BM says awful things about me, SS defends me. Dropped them off at BMs last weekend and she gave me the finger in front of them. Poor kids.
I heard a comment the other
I heard a comment the other day that I think is especially relevant for step-parents. That comment went something like, "I know people always say you have to do the right thing, but there isn't always a right thing. Sometimes you just have to go with the decision YOU can live with the most."
Years before our wedding,
Years before our wedding, BM's PAS techniques included continually telling SD we'd gotten married without SD.
We only had a wedding to cement in SD's (aka BM's) mind that we were REALLY formally MARRIED. I didn't want it, because I hate being in the spotlight. I made SD participate by having her help making our bouquets out of tissue paper flowers far ahead of the event. She and her favorite cousin were my bridesmaids. I wanted the day to be memorable for SD. I ordered their dresses without consulting them, and didn't let SD know the date, because our BM is effing psycho and I knew she would sabotage it. SD was 8. She had to make a statement of acknowledgement of some sort during the ceremony, I don't remember the words. We wanted her to make a commitment to being part of our family. My kids did too, but they meant it.
We only had our immediate family and a couple of friends, we paid for the block of rooms, the restaurant meal, and a small party room with snacks and cake. As I expected, SD was miserable the whole time and ruined it for me. SD was too traumatized to sleep in MIL/FIL's room, so we spent our wedding night with her in a queen bed with us. I told MIL, "Every day is a honeymoon when you are married to your soulmate." But whenever I see the pictures or think about it, I feel physically sick and start crying. MIL is still pissed because I put off sending out thank-you notes forever afterward for the couple of small checks we received. I didn't want gifts, I even specified "no gifts please" on the invites. I told DH not to cash them. I can't cope. I've apologized over and over. I wish she could live 5 minutes in my life. We have much worse problems than people forgetting to send thank-you notes.
Ultimately, I don't think being part of our wedding made SD accept our marriage any more than if we'd eloped. If I could do it over, I would have done a destination wedding, alone. Eff SD and BM. Eff them all.
I appreciate you sharing
I appreciate you sharing this. In our situation, BM didn't even need to know the date to sabotage it. With all the back and forth of trying to decide if we should change our plans or continue with the venue/DJ/Photographer we already booked, we have talked about looking at our future wedding pictures and being sad that the kids are not in them. We are so torn about not having the kids at our wedding VS. Not having the wedding, so FDH and I are seeking professional help. This is definitely one of those times where it feels like there is no right answer.
It is comforting to know there are others out there feeling the same things. It sucks to think I can't have a normal wedding with my FDH and SKids just bc BM can't deal with her own feelings.
BM is clearly manipulating
BM is clearly manipulating your relationship and your letting her. Make a decision and stick to it. Leave the skid and her mother out of your decision and then go from there. Unless you want a life of being manipulated and controlled by skid and bm. Proceed as you intend to live.
Obviously, your future SD has
Obviously, your future SD has emotional issues that need addressed.
Beyond that, I want to add another vote for a destination wedding. My DH and I opted for one of those 18 years ago because we didn't want family drama, either from SSs, who were only 3 and 5, or from the fact my parents were going through a messy divorce. Instead, we got married at a Sandals in Jamaica in a gazebo atop the Caribbean Sea. It was the.most.perfect and stress-free event you could imagine! The wedding was FREE for booking 6 nts. All we had to do was pick out clothes (I chose a floor-length, elegant yet simple dress and he wore a tux.) When we got there, we picked out my bouquet from several choices, along with wedding cake flavor (Caribbean rum!) and music to dance to for our first dance. They did everything else. I have NO REGRETS whatsoever! When we returned, we had a small reception with our closest family and friends (still no SSs!)
Oh,and BTW, 13 years later, DH and I took our 2 boys (then 10 and 4) back to Jamaica and renewed our vows! Youngest DS was my DH's best man and I was escorted by oldest DS. It was also stress-free and beautiful. We are considering another renewal at 25 years, Lord willing.