Getting critized for disengaging
FOr those of you who have tried disengaging how do you handle it when people in your life criticize your choice? My mother in law told me today that she's worried about her granddaughter because i've stepped back. She said its not the girl's fault and she was pretty sensitive about it but her main meaning what that I was throwing my stepdaughter in the middle and potentially hurting her when I don't have to.
My mother in law loves me and likes me being in her granddaughters life. She hates my husbands ex and thinks she's a terrible mother. She agrees that my husband should have better boundaries with his ex. She thinks he should never speak to her at all! But she doesn't understand why I'm stepping back from my stepdaughter. She said just step back from the ex.
I tried to explain that when I'm being Uberstepmom it puts me in the line of fire with the ex. It allows her to disrupt my life. when she asked for examples I told her one. For the past 5 years I've organized the entire summer, our vacations, my stepdaughters camps, time with extended family etc. Every summer the ex would change the dates at the last minute or be nasty about a camp we're doing that she doesn't approve of or call and text her daughter constantly while we're on vacation. I can't go through that again and since my husband won't put his foot down the only way I know out of this mess is to step back myself.
Yes that means stepping back from my stepdaughter when it comes to all the things I used to do for her (and her dad). I just couldn't mkae my mother in law understand. she kept saying 'your such a wonderful woman and you belong in her life, even if my son screws up and his ex is crazy why are you doing this to her?' Help!
you knew its me because i've
you knew its me because i've been complaining a lot? Ha. You are a more patient woman than I am, thats amazing. I applaud you doing it on your terms. Honestly we're all connected but we're separate people and unless we're doing harm as in truly being actively abusive I think we should all give each other a break.
Here's what I told my mother in law. The ex is intrusive and abusive and destructive emotionally. She agreed. Her son won't set boundaries with the ex. She agreed. Then I have to set boundaries. she said 'but why can't you just not let it bother you?' well thats a good question. I guess I'm just not that good of a person because I can't. maybe someday but right now I don't see another way to keep this toxic woman (the ex) out of my life. I think next time my mother in law wants to talk about it with me I'll tell her i've shared as much as I know how and that she should talk to her son.
I have to step away from my stepdaughter because her toxic mother reaches right through her daughter into my home. i don't know how else to describe it. but i do know that I won't live like that anymore.
Well i really appreicate your
Well i really appreicate your help and advice that experience has given you! I so glad i found this place i'm not sure i could make sense of htis process without all of you guys. I think the 'crazy' mom in my situation may have some narcissistic tendencies. i have radar for that and she's always pinged it. but who knows I'm not a therapist! I do feel bad complaining about her when there are women and men here on the board who are dealing with child protective services and physical abuse and addiction, its so terrible.
But i do think this woman (the toxic ex) and my husband's inability to really put boundaries in place has done a number on me. I've twisted myself inside trying to become something to make it all better and its kind of a relief to accept that I can't. It is what is what it is and it was this way long before i got here.
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thats a good question and i'm
thats a good question and i'm still figuring out the right balance. I'm still engaging with my stepdaughter just not as much. i'm definitely not her social planner etc. anymore. My husband has handled all the scheduling for the past month or more without complaint. at least not to me, maybe to his mom! but I don't think so. I just think my mother in law is concerned that without my Uberstepmom presence in her granddaughter's life she'll become trashy like her mom.
yes, exactly. the aunt
yes, exactly. the aunt comparison is good and yes, I have been friendly with my stepdaughter! I watched two movies with her and her dad back to back the last time she was here, we had a fun movie pizza party. We had dinner together and talked about summer, etc. I invited her to come with me to get our nails done but that didn't work out since she decided to stay longer at her friends. I'm not around as much and i'm certianly not doing anything parenting wise and I think that's just a shock for my stepdaughter. i really think things will settle down and she'll realize that everything's okay. My stepdaughter is the one who said '4ever always thinks she's involved but she's not its between me and Mommy and Daddy!" I'm pretty sure she's in a tug of war and I'm going to let go so she doesn't get stuck in the middle. Mom on one side, auntie 4ever on the other.
EDITED TO ADD my mother in law said 'i wish you were her mother and all this time I thought you would be her REAL mother!" i was flattered but I was also like 'hey thats not healthy for her or me, she has a mom!"
Thanks, tog! I think I will
Thanks, tog! I think I will say all those things to her. that feels right to me, it sounds like something I'd say. Do you think I mention her dad at all? i don't want to make this all about her mom in her head, it's also about spending more time with her dad too.
I did tell her before she started her new schedule (more time with her mom, lasted less than a month) that it wouldn't be the same without her but when my parents were divorced and I was her age I missed my mom a lot too and I understand that she needs her mom right now.
your a lifesaver, tog! That's
your a lifesaver, tog! That's so simple and so smart. funny how we can't see the forest for the trees, huh? i'm literally copying and pasting what you said into my journal so i can read it a few times before she comes back next week. I'll find a good time to say it. she'll hear me, too, she's a sensitive kid.
" Since he won't keep BM out
" Since he won't keep BM out of your life - you must or your marriage will be destroyed."
Well that would certainly get her attention, ha! I really don't care much what she thinks but she's a nice old lady and i don't want her to worry about her granddaughter.
I think I would have
I think I would have responded with "It was made very clear to me by DH, BM and SD herself that I was not to be regarded as a parental figure and my input was not appreciated. SD has made commentary about hating me and wanting everything to be only between her, DH and BM. She does not want me in that role and she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. I was not appreciated when I was being uber stepmom by anyone so in the long run its better for me to step back. This is what DH and I have decided will work best for our family dynamic."
Then I'd refuse to discuss it further. SD is not a completely innocent victim in this and whether MiL believes BM is a crap mom or not, that's the mom SD gets. Nothing you do, nothing you try will Ever make up for BM's short comings. Everyone is just going to have to live with that. It's not worth it to ruin your sanity banging your head into a brick wall.
Remember remember remember that you disengaging is Not hurting SD. You are still very friendly to her, you just aren't being chief cook, housekeeper, taxi driver and present giver to her. You are not ignoring her (from what I've read). But she does need to understand that when she makes it clear to someone that they aren't very welcome in her life, that she doesn't respect the role they've been trying to play that there are consequences. The person in question will step away. She's old enough to start understanding that she has a responsibility in her relationships and it is very unlikely that she's going to find people in her life that want to cook her favorite meals and be her cruise director when she says she hates them.
" But she does need to
" But she does need to understand that when she makes it clear to someone that they aren't very welcome in her life, that she doesn't respect the role they've been trying to play that there are consequences. The person in question will step away. She's old enough to start understanding that she has a responsibility in her relationships and it is very unlikely that she's going to find people in her life that want to cook her favorite meals and be her cruise director when she says she hates them."
Amen!
How could i forget Solomon!
How could i forget Solomon! Thats perfect thanks for reminding me of that story.
Cherchez la SM...We are the
Cherchez la SM...We are the perennial scapegoats.
Before I disengaged, a poll of my skids and in-laws would have found that I was sweet, evil, too involved, not involved enough, big hearted, and the antichrist. Point being, listening to the peanut gallery is almost always an exercise in negativity.
You are wasting energy trying to explain yourself to your MIL, and it only provides fodder for gossip & criticism. You don't need to justify any decisions you make, especially to people to whom you are merely connected by marriage. I learned the hard way that despite my inlaws claims of love and family feeling for me, blood comes first ALWAYS, so you're not likely to receive support from that quarter.
Disengagement is something you do for yourself, a private change of behaviors, expectations, and philosophy towards steplife. And the first rule of disengagement is nobody talks about disengagement.
It doesn't matter that your
It doesn't matter that your MIL thinks that BM is a terrible mother, BM is who her son chose to procreate with and they are her parents. You don't owe MIL an explanation.
You are not going to be able to make your MIL understand because she wants YOU to be SD's mother figure. She is emotionally invested in that, so she is going to counter any reason you give her for stepping back. And yes, she is going to try to use guilt.
If she's worried about her granddaughter, she can take it up with her son.
How does she even know what is going on? Is SD complaining to her as well?
I agree, my mother in law is
I agree, my mother in law is definitely invested in me being the main mother figure to her stepdaughter. I used to feel really good when she'd say things like 'your her true mother' and 'she is so blessed that you're such a big aprt of her life.' I think she'll understand it just takes time. My stepdaughter hasn't talked to her and neither has my husband. I told her i was stepping back and she kind of ran with the rest and assumed that would not be good for my stepdaughter.
Exactly its not that hard to
Exactly its not that hard to udnerstand! But it is more complicated when I've been UberstepMOM emphasis on MOM for 5 years. Oh well things change.
My own mother gave me a
My own mother gave me a ration of shit when I chose to do my final disengagement. My mom is old school....children are not responsible for their actions, even when those actions are harmful to others. We defend the weak.
The first 5 or 6 times I disengaged, DH gave me hell. The last round, he was all for it. SD had no one to turn to but him and when he said no and she had no recourses....she was screwed.
You have to do for yourself and those who you can protect (like your own kids or frail relatives). Yeah, there are gonna be people who don't understand it and will protest. When they see how free and at ease you are, then they will get it.
"You do not have to explain
"You do not have to explain to any one why you stepped back. You did it to safe your marriage and have a peaceful home, that's enough reason right there. So no need to explain to any one."
I keep reminding myself this!
If MIL is so concerned about
If MIL is so concerned about SD, then she should be talking to HER SON, SD's FATHER, about his failure to insulate you from BM's drama and SD's backlash. It always amazes me how some family and friends expect SMs to be more concerned or involved with these situations than the bio-parents are.
Everyone views the step kids
Everyone views the step kids as the delicate flower that is damaged and needs to be coddled (my own family acted mortified when I'd complain about how annoying sd was, until they met her)
First off, she has her ideas
First off, she has her ideas of what is best for her granddaughter. Those might not align with what is best for YOU.
Secondly, just tell her that if you back off, it puts less stress on her granddaughter because there is less strife between her REAL parents.
MIL needs to take this up
MIL needs to take this up with DH. And what she thinks of you is none of your business
You have to do what is right for YOU.
One of the best pieces of
One of the best pieces of advice I've received was, you are going to come across people who don't like you. You can be the most pleasant person in the world and they won't like you, for some strange reason. You can't please every person in the world. The only thing you need to worry about is your family. As long as you are doing what makes your family needs, doesn't matter what mother in law thinks. You backing off and disengaging will help bring dh and sd closer and allow dh to parent more effectively, how is that a bad thing?
One of the best pieces of
One of the best pieces of advice I've received was, you are going to come across people who don't like you. You can be the most pleasant person in the world and they won't like you, for some strange reason. You can't please every person in the world. The only thing you need to worry about is your family. As long as you are doing what makes your family needs, doesn't matter what mother in law thinks. You backing off and disengaging will help bring dh and sd closer and allow dh to parent more effectively, how is that a bad thing?
"It works for us. More
"It works for us. More coffee?"
Echo thats so awesome I wish I had your wit.
Many people feel like they
Many people feel like they have a say in how we run or life. Like they know better than us what works in our situation. Yes maybe she has known sd and dh longer than you have. But she doesn't have to be his wife and her step mom. Being a grandma is a sometimes job. One you get to float intuitive and out of and spoil the crap out of your grand kids with no reprocussions(sp). A step mom role already has so much baggage attached to it. So much hate tied around the name. The fact that there is already resentment with the fact that you even exist. What grandmother can even understand that? With all that and then the little snot nose decides that with everything that you do for her (which you do out of the kindness of your heart, you don't have to, your not her mom) she decides she hates you. Your dh is overly excessive wroth communicating with the obsessive ex. And it's driving you nuts! You need to back off for your own sanity! You need space before you end up in the crazy house!