Well its your relationship too and also your home. This constant upheaval must be exhausting, I can see why you would think that asking for more access is giving her the power, Do you get on well with his step kids? I don't think you are asking him to choose between you and the children, this is causing you a lot of stress, I wonder if he realises that? I think that he should just take her to court and stop asking her, it obviously dosn't work. Hang in there, because really it can drive you insane, you have to stop letting her effect you, trust me I know its hard, good luck honey.

In our case, I have resentment when DH wants to pursue things with SD because she has gone out of her way to make our lives miserable. The ex has too, but a lot of it has been straight from SD. She's 15 and while yes, she'd been subjected to PAS, she's also old enough to be held responsible for her own actions.

It turns to resentment because I'm the one that has to pick up the broken pieces of a shattered DH when she does something completely heinous. When I have to deal with his anger and depression and the two fat witches are off skipping through happy-land carrying on with life as normal, I resent it. I resent that I tried to form a relationship with this kid, I did my best to be nice and do things with her and I am whole-heartedly blamed for all the issues between DH and SD by this teenager who takes no responsibility.

I resent the wheedling, baby-come-back, lover-like tone he gets when he forgets that this girl has caused nothing but drama and does nothing but accuse him of things when he sees her and gets a rosy vision of one big happy family.

I sure as hell resent that I told him he ought to document his conversations, etc with both BM and SD because we might need that in court someday and it's "too much work" for him to do it. But he wants me to take screen shots of on-line activity for use in court. This is not my kid - why should I be the one documenting when it's not worth it to him to do it?

If he came home tonight and told me that he wanted to fight for more visitation, for full-custody, whatever, that we were going to hire a lawyer and spend thousands of dollars we don't have to try for custody of a kid that doesn't even text him, email him, call him - Nothing, after pulling the huge stunts that she does just to go, BTW, I'm Ok, you can stop worrying - I'd leave. Because based on our history, he would expect me to deal with the research, the lawyer, the appointments, the documenting, finding, printing, filing and presenting evidence because he was too "busy".

When I married him, I was prepared for his daughter to be a part of our life. I was not warned, prepared, or psychic enough to know that I should expect her to lie about both of us, to be so incredibly manipulative and two-faced, to be drama central, to blame me for Everything that is wrong in her life. Maybe I should have known, but I didn't.

I don't know how old your skids are or what kid of BM you're dealing with, but for me, yes I would resent the hell out of him chasing after SD at this point. You can only get kicked in the teeth so many times before you want to have nothing to do with the situation anymore. And it's pretty hard not to resent the person that's promised to love and honor and cherish you telling you that you need to deal with another round and oh yeah, let's pay out the nose for the privilege.

The resentment from what you quote, sounds mostly likely that person's spouse Doesn't respect that his choices affect her. He's just keeping it going without regard for how it's affect her and it's just too much.

Every situation is different, you may never have this problem. But there's always a lot more going on when you see that kind of frustration and resentment.

there are thousands and thousands of things i give to my dh for his skids. i am a VERY involved smom. my dh has said over and over again how grateful he is to me for all that i give to him and them. and BM is a woman who is trying to deliberately wreck my marriage.

i do not ask him to put me before his kids. i think that is a ridiculous way to think. whoever has the great need (true need) should get the attention. i am not asking him to eliminate himself from their life. but for myself i need to extricate myself from a drama that i neither created nor have ANY say so in how it ends.

the mindset that caused me to write the words you quoted is: weigh the rewards with the costs: say dh asks bm for more time. first there is silence, then he asks again, then there is a condition. say he's willing to follow the condition, then there is silence until the last possible moment and she either says yes or no. usually no, if yes it is never what he asks for but some modified version, or she says yes and then reigs at the last min causing even more drama and involving the skids. thus for 3-14 days i do not know what will happen for that period of time in my life. it's completely nerve wracking and imagine this happens every other week of your life.

so 3-8 hrs with skids vs constant messaging with ex battering and bartering for days, and maybe just maybe getting to do it but usually falling through and creating a lot of stress in my current family situation. i'm sorry but i don't think it's worth it. make the most with what you have.

the relationship with the kids will not be destroyed or made with a few extra hours. however allowing the constant drama to infiltrate your new relationship THAT can have incredibly damaging and lasting results.

trust me...i weigh the resentment issue highly. quite frankly, when i get to this place i don't give a shit anymore. i have been disregarded and placed last for long enough.

you quoted my words on a bad day for me. my dh has made a VERY bad choice and he should have chosen me above the skids. my needs today are a thousand times more important than a couple hours with skids. and sometimes that happens!

and as for "court" we have already been there for over a year. we have spent close over $10,000 to get more time with the kids which i have fully supported. we are at a place where we can no longer admit anything new or get more time. we would have to go back to court and start a new trial to get any more time. we would have to move and he and i would need a different job to get "more time." his situation isn't ideal. he gave up custody at the divorce to avoid the "conflict". biggest mistake of his life.

he can keep fighting a losing battle or he can take what he's been given and be content.

i am a child of divorce. it sucks what's going on. but i also know that even if he isn't allowed to have everything he wants he can still have a very strong relationship with his child. he is just pissed that bm has so much power.

i'm tired of the pissing war between them. it does nothing and adds NOTHING to anybody's life.

feeling excluded in my own family is just part of being a smom i've accepted this fact. this is the life i chose...me miserable adds nothing to my family.

this is what lead me to write what i wrote today.

edit to add: do i feel it is hopeless. no...because dh does care what i think. and because i believe my feelings are just as important as his and his kids and a thousand times more important than his pissing war than bm. so therefore i say what i need and what i feel and i don't stop until i get my needs met.

this works for us, but it doesn't mean he doesn't screw up, or i screw up and we have very bad days and weeks some times.

If you would miss the relationship w/ the skids, it doesn't sound like you are in the same predicament as the person who made the quote you included. When the stress is more difficult than the enjoyment you get from the skids, it is no longer worth it.

I no longer care to spend time w/ my bf when he has his kids. That is not making him choose. He has plenty of "without kids" time. A dad who can't function by himself with HIS kids without feeling he is having to choose between SO and kids might have some problems to work through.

I resent my ss14's general attitude and behavior. That's because he truly is an unpleasant kid. Just ask anyone including both his parents. I dont resent his general existence or that my dh is responsible for him or any of that. I wish he'd go live with his bm. Does that mean dh and I's relationship wont work? I dont think so. Heck, I think much of the time he wishes the kid would go live with his bm.

Two partners are allowed to have different thoughts, feelings, opinions. To me a relationship, is not about agreeing with everything your partner thinks or feels. Just because dh loves ss-doesnt mean I have to. Obviously there is a different relationship there. I DO think I need to respect my dh that in spite of me not particularly enjoying his son-I need to understand that my dh does occassionally enjoy him and has a responsibility to him. And likewise, he needs to respect that just because he loves his son doesnt mean that I enjoy the kid's company and he should pressure me to.