I just stumbled onto this site- I hope I will find useful information here. I've been married to dh for 12.5 yrs now. I didn't think we would make it this long. We are a yours mine and ours family

dd's 18 and 11, sd 19, ss 14. I started off by trying to be a great smom. I was highly involved- going to all events, watching skids if husband was working, trying to help bm out by taking skids during the summers if I was unemployed to help reduce her babysitting costs (though it was a fight to get them for any part of the summer). They had their own beds, ss had his own room, sd and oldest dd shared a really large room. It was crazy what we tried to do (or should I say I). SS was 2 1/2 when we married. He was my constant companion...until about the age 4.5 when bm started doing things with him instead of leaving him at daycare for 12 hours a day- then I could see his attitude change toward me. So I backed off.

Things blew up when sdd was 14ish- I became very tired of hearing how bad our house was, how we did nothing, we were boring, we had email after email with bm stating that they didn't want to do long visits at our house because they didn't like coming here, how horrible it was for sd to have to share a room with dd- she needs her own space (they lived in a two bedroom hour where she shared a room with ss- dd and sd shared a 12 x 20 foot den!) We didn't do more than support, we didn't get them enough or we asked too much. sd would say things like my mom will never marry someone we don't like, she would tell dd that my mom says that your mom doesn't love us as much as you, my mom says if you get new shoes we should too- it's not fair otherwise.

So I started retreating and almost fully retreated by the time sd was 16. I barely talked to them, I usually left. IF dh wasn't available- out of town or working all weekend, they needed to stay with the bm. That made bm upset- we have two people in our house. If dh said he couldn't afford something her retort was we had two incomes. Hmmm.....yes we do- we also support 6 people when you include the child support.

I remember hating my sm as a kid and teen. But we could do no right. IF we walked into the house on our left foot, we should have come into the house on the right foot. I was grounded once every four weeks for 8 years. We never would disrespect herI have tried very hard not to repeat her disaster.

Dh an I nearly divorced and have been in counseling for over 2 years.

Fast forward to now- SD no longer comes for a visit or is very sporadic. (like 5 times in one year). We are polite to each other. SS is very much a part of our family, he helps out when asked.....doesn't volunteer- but does it without dirty looks or complaints to us anyway.

I would love to reengage with ss does anyone know how once you stepped out and shut down for 5 years- how do you slowly go back to engaging?