I thought I shouldn't have come.

I cried, she listened, and even though she was at work, she offered me the comfort of an ear, of letting me know I could leave in any form if it was too much- as in leave the whole retreat or leave a class if need be.

The woman who runs the retreat also had told me to use it in anyway productive- meaning just come to the retreat, go for a walk on the beach of Lake Erie, or stay in my room and drink wine. She gave me a partial scholarship so I would come, and not have to have a roommate.

So I get here, and this retreat is a trigger for me, as it is highly attached to my life with my husband. The first year I attended, I had just met my H, and I sneaked away from my mom several times to smoke a cigarette and call him to chat on the phone. When I left the retreat, I went home to write a paper, then went to what is now my home, to have dinner with H and meet SD.

I bought her a stuffed turtle. She was a little nymph- flirting and curious and excited to meet me.

By the second year of the retreat we were newly married. It was the first time apart in a while, and he missed me so much that, well...

We got pregnant with BD4 on my return from the retreat.

The third year I came, I was nursing BD4. I wasn't going to come, but H insisted, and drove us- me, him, the kids including BD4, then an infant and needing to visit with me several times a day. H was so supportive, he hung around with all four kids and showed up several times a day so I could nurse her.

The fourth year a good friend came with and I had a respite from SM/blended, BD4 and sons.

Last year, Vicmeister came from Tx to meet me for the first time. And we had a grand time.

So this year, when my H announced he wanted to move out, I didn't want to come. It's attached to us way too much.

But he insisted...

And I relented when the organizer offered me the partial scholarship so I wouldn't have to have a roommate and suck the creative life out of them in my despair and grief.

I get here, and am sobbing in my room alone.

Call CG, and she talks me down, gives me permission to do whatever I want to do, attend, leave and drive 3 hours back home, or...

participate.

CG, thank you for this most of all- when you told me that I am being so hard on myself, pushing myself b/c I feel I am capable of more than where I am in this process...

that was so incredibly helpful.

I am hard on myself b/c I feel I'm capable of processing faster and more strength than I am demonstrating right now.

But I can only do what I can do. And not one iota more.

So I go to dinner, and on the way there tell a woman I met last year that my husband left me. It's all I get out before tearing up and crying.

She tells me "You are so where you should be."

Then I go to dinner and another woman hugs me and says, "I picture you that year your H brought your baby to see you a few times during the day..."

And I cry again.

But...then...

We go to the key note speaker/instructors descriptions of their classes.

There's the usual- humor writing, childrens' fiction speakers.

But...

Every year some people bring their wares to sell, even if they are not teaching a class. One woman didn't come last year, but a few years before I purchased one of her "marble" hearts, which has an exercise attached explaining how to write about why you chose the marble heart you did (mine is gray and black with a huge cracked hole shape in the upper quad)what the colors and discolorations in it represent to you. I had planned on writing about it for years, used to bring it every time, but there was always so much else to write in all the scheduled workshops, I never took the time to do the exercise. This year I did not bring the marble heart b/c there's no way I should be doing that exercise right now, yes?

Well, for the first time, the woman who sells the marble hearts is one of the presenters. She will give us each a brand new marble heart, and will take us through what that heart represents in our journey throughout life, and right now in particular.

Sigh. I start to cry realizing I so am supposed to be here.

Then we get to the key note speaker. She has been here before, and is one of my favorite presenters. Her brother btw, is the man who the movie "Leaving Las Vegas" was based on, the author who drank himself to death.

So...
She starts talking about what her class is about.

GRIEF. Writing through grief. Finding the happy memories in your past to focus on to get through the grief.

I am crying as she's speaking.

I can't write about what she said now, but let's just say, it pertains to all of us here on ST. I have epiphany after epiphany.

She says, "When life is at it's blackest, you must find your creative self to pull yourself back out of it."

She shares a column she had printed several Christmas's ago, about a memory with her dad, a lawn mower, and some Christmas lights.

I will find the column and post it here.

Anyway...she says that women write, share, create in a gentle and uplifting way, giving gently through creativity.

Oh...man...my mom tells me later, "Did you think she was talking to you? I'm so glad you're here."

We then go around and introduce ourselves, what we write, etc.

I say that I have been coming for several years, that I almost didn't come this year b/c of all the grief in my life, and I look at the two presenters who will likely bring out some tough writing from me tomorrow, and say, "And your two classes will likely hit me hard."

And the whole board of presenters say, "...We are so glad you are here."

Afterward, I mention this site, and how we are doing what the one presenter talked about. How we are helping each other through a common experience, mostly women, gently guiding and helping each other through.

Almost done with the post (bear with me, I've had a bit of Mommy's Time Out wine.)

I go back to my room, which adjoins with my mom and her friend (originally from South Africa Kat!) And her friend, an old theatre friend talks to me for hours about my situation and how I should NOT go back to a regular job...

I should...

Start seeking financial backing/support for my youth theatre group. That for right now...
I haven't lost my financial support of my H yet.

And that means rather than jump into a job-any job...

I should just start refocusing my energy to my passion. Stop grieving, start focusing creatively.

I don't know...maybe it's just the wine talking.

But I think this 76 (almost 76) year old woman...

May have something here.

Ok, going to post, even though it may be a bit alcohol induced.

Thanks as always, for "listening".