SD10's BM...DIED....
I really need some advice and I'm not sure where to start.
SD10's BM died last week. Died.
The woman was an addict (prescription drugs). She did have an illness besides the drugs so we explained it to SD10 that she was "sicker than we thought" and that's why she died. Luckily we'll never have to tell her about the drugs.
The woman was found dead in a cheap motel she had been living in. SD10 hadn't seen her in over a year because she was never sober enough for us to take to go see her (she lives in another state). She was dead in the motel for 2 days, and was in the morgue for 4 days before they could find next of kin. That should explain how many briges this woman had burned in her life.
I may get annoyed with SD10 but now I'm at a loss as to what my place should be in her life. I have no idea how to handle her grief. I have no idea if she would even WANT me to try and step in for her mom.
It is clear, though, that SD10 is angry and resentful towards me. She has been super hateful to me and to me only since she got the news. I just don't know how to deal with that. I have said nothing to her because I am assuming she is grieving and that's why. But when will there be a point where I tell her she can't talk to me that way?
I hope this all mistakes. I feel truly sorry for her and I hate seeing her so sad. But now I'm at a loss as to what to do.
But will she really need to
But will she really need to know about the drugs? I just don't know if she needs to know that.
MY father passed away
MY father passed away recently and my dd12 had a wry hard time with it. I couldn't imagine if she lost me or her father.
The girl will need counseling to help her through it. She will also need lots of love and understanding. If you can show her love and nurturing, though it may take a while for her to appreciate, it will be greatly appreciated as time goes on.
She's too young to handle the
She's too young to handle the details. You did right, you didn't outright lie, but didn't delve into it either. You're on the right road with what you told her, she'll begin to suspect as she gets older and she'll ask questions. She can't fault you for shielding the nitty gritty details from her at the age of 10, but there can be a huge rift later if you told her something completely untrue and she finds out.
As far as grief, the poor kid. My ex died when our daughter was 6 (shortly after our divorce was finalized) and it was not easy to walk her through that. I did try grief counseling at a very well known treatment facility in our area. We got nowhere. I heard about another group called RainbowS for all God's Children. It's NOT religious, but in my area they are set up through the Catholic Church. Again, it's NOT religious, it's a peer group setting with a facilitator for children who have lost a parent through death or divorce. (meaning the parent is no longer active in their life)
After one session, the change in my daughter was clear. She came bouncing out of the room and told me she's not the only one! She made friends with other kids who were in similar situations. She learned how to deal with other kids like herself while the facilitator moved them through the program.
She's grown now and she remembers how much more comfortable she was in the peer group than she had been with the counselor. She says she never felt like the counselors at the center understood and it was too structured. Every kid is different though so what didn't work for my daughter might work for your SD. She went through two 6-week sessions and then decided she didn't need it anymore. She was right, we had small ups and downs over the years, but she was so much more able to handle the situation after that group.
Your SD is grieving her mother, but she also isn't old enough to understand how it affects her. She's different than the other kids now. She'll be mad at you, at some point she'll probably be mad at her mother. If classmates know, she might come home upset because other kids don't know what to say either and sometimes they're blunt. "Didn't your Mom die?" can put a child her age in the spotlight and they don't know what to do or say so they get angry. "What does your Mom do?" is an innocent and common type of question that can come up, but can also put them in a spotlight they don't know how to respond to. Counseling is good, but in my opinion, knowing they're not alone and having other friends who can understand them is better. If they don't have that program near you, maybe you can find another one like it.
Poor baby, I wish you all well during this struggle. Stay strong, even natural parents are at a loss when this kind of thing happens.
My kids also did Rainbows
My kids also did Rainbows after our divorce. They liked it well enough. Their school also had a program for kids of divorce/death in the immediate family which they preferred. It was kids in their own school going through similar experiences. Worth looking into.
p.s. They actually started the group after I asked whether they had anything - so worth asking if they would consider starting something if there is nothing in place. Basically, they'd have lunch once or twice a week as a group, w/the school counselor facilitating.
When my first DH passed away,
When my first DH passed away, I got my kids set up with an excellent counseling center specifically for grieving children. They had both group and individual sessions. My children were 3 and 5 at the time, so processing the whole thing differently.
Call around (specifically, pediatricians, family docs) to see if there are any in your area. The counseling center I went to was free, they just suggested a donation. It is such a great place I donate a substantial amount of money to them every year on my first DH's birthday.
Yes grief counseling for her.
Yes grief counseling for her. Where we live there is a wonderful program for kids who lose siblings or parents its called Lost and Found. I know it is local, but maybe your area has something similar. I agree with the above posters as to why she is acting out at you. But you will need to set some boundaries in terms of the way she acts, while being compassionate. DH can really step in here to help with it.
I do agree when she is older you should tell her, but not now. You handled it well. I'm sorry this is happening-- you guys will get through it. In terms of your role, let her define your role for now.
I don't really know how to
I don't really know how to handle her acting out on you - I think there are some wonderful suggestions above.
However regarding the drugs I think you told her the right thing at this time. I know being the daughter of a addict I always hated hearing "Dad is sick" when he would disappear - since being older I was able to see that addiction truly is a sickness and a disease and honestly I am glad that it was hidden at a young age for me. I would think as she gets older she will ask more questions and you should share what you think is necessary - maybe that yes she was on drugs, but I don't know if I would ever share complete details as I still don't know half of the things that happened to my dad/he went through during his prime addiction years. I do think it is important for her to understand though not only to know that she needs to be careful of addiction, but to grow up understanding why mom wasn't there and why you do some of the things for her that you do more intimate that a stepmom primarily would. My father is still alive and we recently talked and I still have issues knowing he missed so many things because of the 'illness' but it does make it a lot easier to understand.
Wow - this is a big
Wow - this is a big adjustment, for everyone involved included you
Would suggest counseling for your SD right away to help her deal with the grief
I feel very bad for her, and I also feel very bad for you as that it's tough to be the recipient of so much misdirected anger
Hopefully therapy will help her to cope, to understand it's not right to take it out on you, and to find a way to accept you as her SM
I wouldn't try to replace her mom ....do the normal step-parent things and if at some point your SD decides she wants more of a relationship with you than great, let her lead the way on this
All the best to you