FSD (10) is playing games and wants to be the 'alpha female'
Well most will know my story but basically my boyfriend daughter who is 10 (11 in two weeks time) is very jealous of our relationship. She doesn't want to go and 'play' and is constantly playing 'prefect' and watching our every move. Listening to us no matter what we talk about and is now 'sulking' and going into moods because we now shut our bedroom door when I am there at weekends. She trys to find any excuse to come into our bedroom - including unplugged my mobile in the bedroom so she can plug hers in! I moved it before bedtime telling her that I had put it in her room incase she wanted it before we woke up (ensuring she has no excuse to come into our room)..... we have no time AT ALL and she is even now cancelling time with her friends just because she thinks she might miss something when her father and I are together! She is driving me mad! What can I do to change this?? 
Sorry for what you are going
Sorry for what you are going through. Try to remember that your SD is going through a confusing time and may not be certain how she fits into her dad's life. I'm glad that you are aware of her behavior but you cant change it. Her dad has to be the one to intervene. Since you recognize what she is trying to do, do not allow yourself to be pulled into her ploy. Have you spoken to your fianc'e about your concerns? It may be time for dad to have a talk with his daughter.
Thanks for your support I
Thanks for your support
I have tried mentioning it to him, but as their characters are pretty similar they tend to 'lock horns' with each other and it gets very heated and upsetting for all concerned then. I am thinking of maybe suggesting that they get a proper bedtime 'time' at the weekends to enable us to have some 'couple time' once they have gone to bed. Does 9.30pm sound fair? They are 10 and 5......
I agree with supawoman.
I agree with supawoman. Only the dad can put a stop to things. If you try it will NEVER work. You also need to think about the fact that if your boyfriend isn't willing to step and correct things, you are in for a LONG and frustrating road that you might want to travel on. Just think about it.
Have you thought about
Have you thought about getting your own apartment for about a year or so before moving in with your BF?
When you first posted, you said the girls loved you and couldn't wait for you to move in. Many warned you that things would change.
You're no longer dad's fun friend who visits for a short time. You're becoming the SM who is moving in and changing things.
Mom passed away a few years
Mom passed away a few years ago.
Just picking out one thing
Just picking out one thing you said, to use an example. You called his bedroom "our bedroom." Just because you sleep there on weekends does not make it yours. My bf does not pay rent in my house and has his own apartment. Just because he sleeps there sometimes does not make it "ours." Your bf I BET does not have rules and restrictions against the use/entrance of HIS bedroom when you are gone. And in her eyes, you come in and take over.
My bf always locked my bedroom door at night. He wanted to sleep naked. But I noticed on the few nights that he spent the night w/ his kids at my house, he wore shorts to sleep and left the door unlocked. You see how parents look out for themselves and their own? It's little things. (And I no longer lock the bedroom door, he only sleeps naked when my kids are gone).
You need to take a look at this from her perspective. I don't know the back story, but you should not be moving in UNTIL. Until the girls realize you are okay. Until you are ready to marry. Until the father has issues resolved. Until you are going to make concessions for the way these girls have been raised or will be raised. Until you don't feel the need to post here...you get the idea.
I have a daughter9 who feels the same way this child feels. It is a lot of work to make children feel as loved as the SO. I am a mom...it is the same w/ dads. The difference being that you will feel jealous when you see your bf showing his daughters love and affection. You are already competing with them. In your mind the 10 is manipulating, while in her mind, she is just trying to keep her world together.
I didn't say she was
I didn't say she was minipulating at all ! : -(
I said she won't let us have 5 mins to ourselves and wants to be involved with everything!
I do not class her as competition - I love her and his younger daughter very much and do not get jealous when he shows her affection. Why would I do that? She is his daughter.......
However, I do feel that I should have a little bit of respect and that she should realised that I am the adult (as well as her father and grandparents etc) and she is a 10 year old girl and 'our' bedroom (well it will soon be ours when I move in in a few months time) - and therefore he also calls it 'our bedroom'....... should have some level of privacy when I am there...... is that really too much to ask?
I will pay half towards the mortgage and the bills when I move in and will go halves on everything else.... and I don't see anything wrong with calling it 'our bedroom'? I think you might be judging me a little too harshly?!
When are you closing
When are you closing yourselves in the bedroom? The middle of the day? Or when you go to bed?
These girls have no mother, and their dad is moving you into their lives. This isn't their choice, it's his.
They want to be secure in their family and know they aren't being replaced. This is a difficult and confusing time for them, and rushing things will only make everyone miserable.
WHY are people so eager to live together??
"WHY are people so eager to
"WHY are people so eager to live together??"
I think some people just think about saving money. Money is more important than the child's best interest.
I can't believe the number of parents willing to have their children live with someone they have known or dated for less than a year.
That isn't enough time for the adults to get to really know each other. Why drag the kids into the mix so soon?
I don't get it. I really
I don't get it. I really don't.
DH and I dated for 2 years before moving in together...and even then, we slept in different rooms. Different floors, actually. We wanted to set a good example for our kids and we wanted to see how everyone adjusted to sharing the same house.
We married about 8 months later. (Then we shared a room!)
We close the door when we go
We close the door when we go to bed! - WHY else would we do that? We just want a bit of privacy when we are in bed at night - ie, after 11pm! I do love them, and we BOTH assure them that I am not there to replace their mother - I want to be their caregiver etc and am just daddy's girlfriend. But the daughter hasn't realised that she is a daughter and not his girlfriend.... that's my role!
I read a lot about SM's
I read a lot about SM's thinking the SD's want to be daddy's GF... I'm not so sure I buy into that. I don't think that either SD or biodad would feel that way about it, either.
It sounds like she is really trying to find and keep her place in her dad's life. I cannot even image losing a mother at that age.
I'm struggling a bit with
I'm struggling a bit with this issue myself with my SD9... She's a bit of an attention seeker in general (she's the baby of the family) and her BM doesn't really know how to deal with her high energy ways and need for attention (constantly). I don't think she's competing for my role as my partner's "girlfriend" so much as she's trying to maintain a level of attention from him that she feels she needs.
When the kids are with us for the weekends, she sit in between us on the couch, fights with us about going to bed when we're staying up later..etc.
EXCEPT and here's the weird part-- when we go out places. When we go out together with her brother & sister (SS21 & SD14) she has to hold my hand, walk next to me, sit next to me, etc. Only when we're at home does she insist on being right in the middle all the time. She talks over me (and others) and cries and whines whenever she doesn't get her way or is reprimanded for something (even the smallest infraction).
I've talked to her about how she isn't the center of the world and that everyone in our family is important and she seems to get it, but then the behavior just starts again when we get her back from her BM...ugh.
Ohhh my god
Ohhh my god ScaredIam2Young4This you have just described my FSD !! She does exactly the same thing! I can't work it out! I have tried talking to her reassuring her that I don't want to take mummy's place (mummy died nearly 3 years ago) and that we both love her etc etc etc but she does exactly what you described. Sitting inbetween us, watching our every move etc. What's going on ? x
So what can I do? x
So what can I do? x
Slow things down. Keep dating
Slow things down.
Keep dating him, but get your own apartment.
Michelle, here are a lot of
Michelle, here are a lot of people walking in your shoes.
Have you read stepmonster?This is a great book that not only suggests to look at the children but especially at the stepmoms and what typical problems are!
Michelle, I disagree with some of the posters who seem to suggest to wrap SD in cotton wool to deal with the situation.I 100% believe that this is only gonna extend and increase the problems of accepting you as his BF partner.This is the time for BF to step in and make sure that you and him are the adults and NOT his daughter.It is the typical mini-wife and guilty dad story that is neither beneficial for you nor for the child.If you and him are serious BF needs to but SD into her place, in a nice and loving but also very firm way.And I 100% agree that your bedroom is your bedroom, even though you are not living together yet.I had similar issues with SD when she was 6- she pushed herself in the middle , disturbed our sleep and tried anything possible.I was patient for a while but slowly felt more and more uncomfortable how she needed to be a princess and run decisions like an adult.Yes, and she never left us alone.It was very tough and took a lot of talking to SO who finally started successfully to help us all to go through the changes.He needed to be quite strict to her and it was hard because he was used to be a guilty dad, so it took a while to understand that it was also good for her and us as a couple.
If you are serious in moving in together and if he wants you to become her stepmum it is crucial that you are respected and treated as the other adult in the family.