Frustrated beyond belief
Hello, everyone! I'm so glad to have found people in similar situations. I love my family and friends, but they just don't "get it" and so can't be as supportive as I would like.
So here goes....
I started dating my husband before his divorce was finalized, but months after it had been filed. He had had a fling with a coworker, which he has always admitted was the wrong thing to do, but felt trapped after he had repeatedly asked the ex to go to counseling to work on things and she repeatedly refused. Anyway, she filed for divorce, then changed her mind after he said that he thought that it was a good idea. Then I enter the picture. At this point, she is frantic and telling him she sees everything she did wrong and it willing to work on it, etc, etc. When that doesn't work it gets nasty. It took almost 2 years to finalize the divorce as she kept changing her mind about things and dragging her feet. As he didn't deny the affair, he got screwed and was ordered to pay 100% of the kids financial need as she didn't want to get a job, but instead live of welfare and her mother so that she could go to school for free (something she was supposed to be doing while they were together, but always found excuses why she couldn't).
He was also ordered to pay her attorneys fees. So after the divorce was finalized, you can imagine houw financially destitute he was. It was at this point that she decided to keep the 2 kids from him. He called the D.A., 3 different law enforcement offices and a few others and was told the only thing he could do was take her back to court to get an enforcement order. With what MONEY?! That was 3 years ago. We managed to scrape together enough for a retainer 1 1/2 yrs ago to get CS adjusted and to get visitation reestablished and still have not made it before a judge. Anyone else have this problem?
I'm at my wits end. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who my husband has adopted as her father is worthless and we have a son together and I have a hard time with the amount of money, time, and energy that this is taking from us.
I don't want to sound unreasonable- I could never stand the woman, but did try to get along with her for the kids sake, but she had my husband arrested after she said he pushed her, had a trespassing order served on me so that I could help pick up the kids- after she had asked me to help, and called so much and so early/late over the most ridiculous things that we finally had to haved her served with a harassment order. She literally called my house to talk to my husband and when I said he was in the shower did she want me to take a message she said "no, I'll wait." I said ok, and hung up. She called back 2 seconds later and tells me "I meant I would wait on the line" and refused to get off when I told her I was waiting for an important phone call and that was not an option. I had to hang up and let the answering machine keep picking up. Her excuse for the trespassing order was that she didn't want to deal with his "Flavor of the week, anymore".
Now, I can understand that she was angry about the affair he had prior to our relationship, but does that really justify using the kids as pawns? And, hello! It's 5 years later now. I don't understand how she can still be so spiteful that she's not willing to admit that it's in the kids best interest to see their Dad. She's pushing for supervised visitation, and since we've moved out of state, she might get it granted and there's no way we can afford for my husband to fly all that way to visit with the kids for a day at a time, then fly back home till next time. Anyone have any advice, or similar issues?
Sorry I've rambled, there's a ton I'm leaving out and it's hard to squeeze 4 yrs of ex misery into one post. THanks for reading!
What a nightmare. It sounds
What a nightmare. It sounds like she is just bitter and seeking revenge. We went rounds with the ex too, court battles and all. Finally I told my husband I couldn't take it anymore. It was draining us emotionally, and financially. She wanted total control over the stepson let her have it, as long as we got to see him for court ordered visits. I'm not joking, she actually had her lawyer send us a letter threatening to take us to court for cutting the ss hair without her permission. At a certain point I saw it affecting our marriage and our child together. It sounds terrible but sometimes all you can do is step back and realize the custodial parent has total control.
It is sooooo hard.
I hear you!!! It is so difficult seeing that the kids are the ones who suffer the most. What is irritating is the fact that we have to choose our own battles. I think with the custodial parents it is an on going constant battle. But with us as step-parents we have to be so careful when it comes to getting upset and what we say, how we say it and when we say it. I hate for anyone else (including myself saying) you have to step back. Because like it or not this is OUR family too!!!!!!!!!
So then what are we supposed to do with that? We did not just say --Hey, I thought I would come hang out with this family for a couple of years and see how it will turn out. We are talking about our families. Through thick and thin, hard times and good times.......
But if we continue to make sacrifices and love the kids and do right by them. All will fall into place. But we just will not be able to see it for years to come. Their is no instant gratification when this situation arises. And for us all-----I wish we did see alittle bit of that and maybe we do on smaller scales but sometimes we what it on bigger scales. We want to be heard. We want to be validated. Do right by the children and not let their angry, jealous, envious, bitter mother get in the way. So, So, hard--- I feel for you.
Sorry I rambled on too---I am new to this site so I think it is perfectly normal that we ramble on at least in the first week. Especially finding people who are dealing with the same situations. We just want to tell all-----------------
So nice to hear I'm not the only one
Thanks for the posts. It's such a relief to hear other's stories. No one ever talks about this type of stuff and it's easy to feel like you're alone.
Been there...
I will try to save you a whole lot of stress and cash....Its hard but Im afraid the only thing that works - (which is where this is all going to go eventually anyway) is to sever ALL ties with her for as long as it takes for her to understand that she is ALONE now. This may take 1 month, it may take 2 years. Its hard - for the kids sake but in the long run, i believe its for their own good! This situation is harder on them than we understand. I feel that its better to let them be free of all this. They will come to understand when they are older that their dad is 'normal' and tried as best he could and then she will be left out in the cold.. This worked for us, now, after 2 long years with just a few phone calls to the SD and a few emails, letters in between, BM i feel now understands that she is not the one holding the reins!
Frustrated beyond belief
I hear what you are saying. However, take the time to get some support for you and help to cope with everything. Life is too short to live it in an unhappy spirit! You deserve the best that life has to offer, not continual frustruation, sadness, etc.!
Ariadne
That is hopefully where this is headed at this point. My husband has extended an offer through his attorney that if she will agree to lower child support and to allow phone/email contact that he will stop trying to get set visitation. She has tentatively agreed (wants something in writing about the amt of contact, etc- the control, again. ) So at this point we are crossing our fingers that she won't change her mind before the paperwork can be signed and brought before a judge as she has a history of doing.
How old were the kids when you guys stopped seeing them? I know that the way we're going with this is the only way to save the sanity of the members of the household and not have the kids in the middle of something very nasty, but I'm also afraid to hope that the kids will ever see what their mother has done and not just blame my husband for everything. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Concentrate on YOUR life
If your life is a mess, what do you have to offer your step kids when they do come over? I would concentrate on your marriage and your home. Your husband has to understand that he is causing unrest in his kids life by being a doting father... he thinks its for the best - and... if his wife was normal it would be but he is fueling her resentment by being there for her every time she thinks up a new way of screwing his life up. Turn it around - just try it out, what harm can it do? Cut off all ties with the kids, leave them to get on with their little lives, their school, their friends... just send them little messages now and again; email, letters, phone calls telling them you are only a phone call away if they need you but that you want to leave their mother in peace, that you think its for the best.... I did it and it worked, things have seriously calmed down (it took 6 months)and BM has realized her place in this relationship. Im not saying it will work for your situation but if all else fails.... I jsut feel for the kids - you know? They are too young to be in the middle of all this. Ok, Dad left, he has a new wife - life goes on. They know what is what, we give them too little credit!
:)
I'm glad for your comments ladies. I've felt guilty for a long time being glad that there was such a long break in the visitation. It didn't start out that way. I was hoping the ex wouldn't be so psychotic and everyone could be civil in the beginning. But it's obvious she'll never calm down and I feel such relief when we don't have visitation and we don't have to talk to/see her. Anyway, thanks for letting me know I'm not being totally selfish to want a life too!