Food
Read a post in here about stealing cupcakes and made me question the best way to deal with a situation with SD. She is clearly very overweight so my other half drives two hours, three times a week to take her to various exercise clubs. We also take his and my daughter to multiple clubs over the weekend. My daughter is healthy weight and eats three meals and a couple of snacks. His is self conscious, is going up multiple sizes in clothes above her height and now those are getting tight. We cook fresh healthy meals (and desserts), we have water and milk to drink, the occasional smoothie etc but no fizzy drinks. We pay for all the clubs on top of normal monthly maintenance, and we also have to buy a separate wardrobe of clothes for ours because her mum never sends appropriate stuff. Recently we've noticed she's put on even more weight and asked again why she eats at mummy's. She lied and lied and lied... Implied a miniscule amount of food that no child could survive on. Eventually we identified a truer story of four slices of toast for breakfast, spaghetti hoops and toast sausages for lunch, regular crisps, chocolate, ice-cream and aduly size McDonald's meals with full sugar coke. We have had so many conversations with her mum, who promised to stop fizzy drinks etc. I suggested we buy a recipe book and ingredients for her to take home and cook with mummy... She seemed keen. Problem is, her mum will not bother... So now we're thinking about pre-cooking meals so she at least gets some nutrition in the week... Just not sure how to handle it with mum. My feeling is we shouldn't be paying for clothes, clubs, her parties etc AND all the food she eats, because we pay a lot of maintenance that never seems to go on anyone but mum. I don't know that we can deduct money either and clearly the daughter has issues already because she is lying about what she's fed... So I don't want her thinking she's being bad for eating the stuff her mum feeds her when she actually can't control it (and probably likes the bad food). Just don't know how best to deal with it so it doesn't cause grief (lots of other background with mum not doing things like homework with her etc too so it's quite volatile)...
Her FATHER needs to address this.
I understand he's trying by taking her to exercise classes but that's not enough.
He needs to make an appointment with SD's doctor and tell BM that she MUST go with him if she gives a damn about her daughter. The doctor needs to tell BOTH PARENTS that SD needs to get her eating under control as it has serious health consequences. The doctor can help BM with nutritional guidance and healthy cooking ideas.
To be honest, there may be an issue with your SO and how he is addressing it, too. He means well, but he may be subtly "harping" on her about her weight and by taking her to exercise classes. It may be especially difficult for her since she can't help but compare herself to your (healthy weight) daughter. You "helpfully" suggest a special cookbook she can take home to "teach" her mother how to cook? And now you want to cook your healthy food to send home with her? Then suggest withholding child support?
I think YOU need to back out of this situation and let her father and BM handle it. Knowingly or not, your helpfulness about SD's weight issues are probably making it much much worse.
I don't know how old SD is but assume she is still a minor. Her parents need to treat her weight issue like any other serious health issue and get her help for it, and follow the doctor's advice.
And you need to be more sensitive, keep your mouth buttoned, and stop trying to be so "helpful" with this poor kid's weight issue. Focus on your own daughter.
He has insisted all sorts
He has insisted all sorts with his ex-wife doctors included. She won't go... Agree he's approaching in the wrong way and I haven't been involved until yesterday because he was attacking her trying to get information out about what she was really eating. I said to her that daddy wasn't cross at all, he just wants to make sure she eats healthy foods so she gives her body everything it needs to grow properly. I didn't suggest withholding maintenance... He did. I asked what meals she likes best and she said some of the things we cook at our house. I said maybe she could cook them at home with mummy, which she wanted to do. I don't mind stepping back at all... I just don't think my OHs approach is going to help the situation at all. Nor do I want her being as self conscious as she is... She is only 8 and should not have to worry about her size. She doesn't want to join in with sports or even just playing because it tires her out... She's not happy and the reason we take her to clubs is that her mother refused (even with us paying and them being in her town rather than ours)... Clubs she wanted to do. She wants to eat better and feel better... She just has no control over what her mother feeds her Monday to Friday.
No wonder the girl has eating issues and is self-conscious.
She's probably eating all week because she is stressed. Knows she will have to come to your house on the weekends to be judged/criticized/"attacked" by her father about her weight, look at your "perfect" daughter, and have you (helpfully) judging her and her mother's lifestyle.
And I'm sorry, but I don't buy that you haven't been involved until yesterday. Sounds like both you and your DH have a campaign to "improve" this girl - from her eating, to her activities, to her clothing, to how her mother runs her house. You are a large part of the problem, IMO.
There's no campaign when a
There's no campaign when a child comes without a coat, pyjamas.. shorts in winter. When she doesn't have her hair washed or teeth brushed. Strongly disagree with this, not caring about a child's health is abuse.
I agree with you.
A child's health should be paramount. Including her mental health. In the long run, a damaged psyche is much more serious than a knot in the hair or brushed teeth. I have a feeling this little girl is very unhappy and that is also abuse.
I would suggest the next time she visits, her father should spend time alone with her. Just sitting around together or going out and doing something fun. Just the two of them. Or taking her to her club or other activity she enjoys. You and your daughter should go out for the day, or the entire weekend if feasible.
He needs to learn how to interact with his daugher and express his care and concern about her. If he can't figure this out, then he needs to get counseling to learn how to do so.
In the meantime, I suggest you take a very honest look at your involvement and consider whether you are contributing to this girl's unhappiness, albeit unintentionally, by exhibiting a lifestyle of "perfection" which she sadly, cannot meet.
Let DH deal with it. Shop at
Let DH deal with it. Shop at Aldis for her. Save money that way.
Ok, I could have written this
Ok, I could have written this!
Please, for your sanity, disengage!
My SS14 sounds just like this. His parents have let him sneak food and overeat his whole life. There honeslty is nothing you can do by yourself at this point. I cook healthy and don't buy shit food anymore. I used to have to lock the pantry and fridge at night, but I don't anymore. My SS plays baseball and is still fat. His coaches have made comments about it to my H, which he has passed on to XW. She doesn't fix herself. He has high cholesterol. HE'S 14!!! We took him to a nutritionist after he was diagnosed and BM bailed an hour before the appointment. We took notes and got handouts for her and an hour after he went back to her, she fed him pizza. I can't fix that. And I have found (some) peace in that. Do you, mama. Do your house. Make good choices in YOUR home. And let the shitshow BM harm her. She will see one day who cared enough to follow through. My H's XW shows the boys food instead of boundaries and rules so they equate it with love, when it is really not. Take care of your home and what goes on it in, it is honestly all you can do.
PS: sorry for typos! Long weekend with XW and I am drunk!