First child/SC ever! Not sure how to maintain boundaries..?
I'm 21 and a full college student living with my parents. I'm the youngest in my family out of my cousins and one older brother and I have never had a child simply because I'm just not ready and I've never been married. I've been with my boyfriend 6 months and we plan to move in together in August 2014 about 100 miles from where I live now so that I can attend a new college and he will commute to work on an air force base.
My BF has a two year old son that I absolutely adore who constantly hugs and loves all over me. My BF and his EW/BM have 50/50 custody and a very uncivil relationship. I have taken child development classes and make balloon animals for child abuse awareness fundraisers. The issue is my boyfriend doesn't really seem to understand what is healthy, what's not or how to discipline this little boy. My mom is a nurse on base for high risk pregnancies and I borrow her educational videos on how to talk to toddlers, etc. My BF accepted my help with parenting and future SS seems to like the new tactics I use. Hes been behaving much better when I use the 1-2-3 MAGIC and time-out. The issue I'm having is that BF lets our whole world and relationship revolve around FSS. AND he doesn't follow the discipline tactics I've taught him that were working so well. When FSS is jumping on the couch or screeching bloody murder for no reason, BF asks "is that necessary? Is that necessary? Do we jump on the couch?" And the 2 year old says exactly what you imagine he would say... "YEAH!" I start counting and he sits down on one. He listens to me and I don't have a problem with him at all. He's my little buddy. He gets whatever he wants from Daddy though. We go to the zoo, he would rather spend the whole day on the play ground than see the animals. We could've went to a park for free.. BF and I are watching what WE want on TV, FSS wants to watch Toy Story.. We're now watching Toy Story. My BF let's him run the whole household and it's starting to really irritate my patience. I love my BF so much and I try to remember that his world revolves around his son like every good parents' should, but I'm starting to feel more and more selfish every day. I just came home from spending 4 days at his house. I hadn't had a BM in 4 days simply because no one would leave me alone in the bathroom long enough... every time I go to the bathroom, FSS wants to "use the potty..." He sits there for an hour, wasting my potential quiet time, and doesn't go potty at all.. Meanwhile, my BF is too busy obsessively cleaning the kitchen for the 2nd time that day to be watching his son so that he's not running into my very personal bubble that is the bathroom.
A few days ago, FSS just learned how to open the door to his room and we were not aware he could. He went out and got his leap pad ultra and was sitting on the couch playing it. Mind you, this kid always wakes up at 5:45 AM no matter the day and my BF + me like to sleep in on weekends and days off. He will stand by our door and SCREAM, wake up our roommate and her kids, everything... So when we found him at 9 AM playing his leap pad when we woke up, my BF freaked out because he was unsupervised; but I couldn't help feeling relieved that he didn't come wake me up and I actually got some sleep for once. The problem is, being a college student, I'm a night owl. Last night I stayed up because I have a horrible cold (possibly swine flu, felt like I was dying.) My boyfriend has started leaving the door open so that FSS can "come wake us up." Our sex life is now non-existent because he now opens his door at night when he's scared, comes in our room and crawls into bed with us. He gets right in the middle and kicks me while he's sleeping until I finally go to the couch. BF and I used to sleep naked together and cuddle and all the romantic things that should happen in a relationship but those days are over. So anyway, I was very sick this morning and it was so sad that I laid there praying that he would sleep longer or for some reason just not come in the room. But here he came, almost 6 AM as usual, and woke up Daddy, then started poking me in the face. I pulled the covers over my head. Then, my BF takes FSS to change his diaper, comes back and says to me "why are you still sleeping? _____ is up now.." I felt like saying yeah but he's your son and I'm sick, why do I need we both need to get up with him.
My BF also told me (AND HE MAKES GOOD MONEY) that he couldn't get me a X-MAS present because he had spent too much money on his son... He makes some comments that make me think the only reason he buys him SO many EXPENSIVE gifts is simply to compete w/ his EW/BM. I can't help but start to resent that its not just the two of us and no child...
I'm starting to feel like I have no boundaries or alone time to myself to think. I don't know if I will be able to live with them both. I also feel myself getting jealous that I don't get any attention from my BF when FSS is around.
Please give me some advice? Let me know that I'm not crazy or that I have a reason to feel selfish. I've always been very flexible in my schedule, doing what I want, doing what is necessary to get my HW done and then sleeping in and going to afternoon and evening classes. Now I have a 2 year old waking me up at the butt-crack of dawn... I can't deal with the lack of sleep or I'll starts having migraines and seizures. This is exactly why I haven't had kids yet.
You seem so much like me..
You seem so much like me.. Similar age, college but 2 SDs. I'm not sure what to do with my life as it is all hanging in the balance over this relationship. We are either young and free or young and trapped (but in love) I guess. As for the discipline, mention it to SO and then leave be.. Not your problem! I told SO I didn't want to be around his youngest swearing, at 4! Gorgeous and lovely kid but to me, swearing is not on... So sorted it! Good luck x
And no, you're not selfish,
And no, you're not selfish, at all.. I am feeling the exact same feelings and am in exactly the same limbo
Walk away and a man without
Walk away and a man without kids. Since you're in college, you're surrounded by childless men.
I have to say, some of the things your BF is doing is spot on. A parent getting his butt out of bed when his TWO wakes up is smart. Allowing his son to spend the day on the playground at the zoo is sweet.
This is NOT going to get
This is NOT going to get better. You are ONLY 21! Surely you can find a nice young man WITHOUT kids? Do not do this to yourself.
Many women ignore warnings because they think that their relationship is 'different.'
Please do NOT ignore these warnings.
Everybody here will tell you
Everybody here will tell you find a man without kids. I'm going to tell you find a man that if he has kids, can PARENT them. I have two kids and I'm dating someone who doesn't have any kids but I make darn sure my kids don't annoy him.
The problem isn't that your BF has a kid, the problem is that he lets the kid walk all over him.
You can't even take a sh$t because BF can't keep his kid out of the bathroom? Geesh.
Because of your BF you get NO sleep, NO sex and NO Christmas presents. He could have gotten you something for $20. But nothing at all? That's not being cheap or broke, he's just being lazy. The same way he's lazy with his son. He expects you to get up and take care of his son even when your sick?
The problem isn't the child, the problem is your BF.
Right you are, HRNYC.
Right you are, HRNYC.
Great advice above. I feel
Great advice above. I feel for you. The fact that you say, "I have never had a child because..." is really telling to me. Nobody expects you to have a child at 21! Expectations are to learn, grow, learn who you are, what you want, travel, work, etc... You are very intelligent, now just use your intelligence in this situation and see what it's doing to you. Best of luck!
i know its hard and not what
i know its hard and not what you want to hear, but i too would break up with this man. you are only 21 - you have PLENTY of time to find mr. right and have a family of your own which it souunds like you will do really well in raising to be polite, well mannered and well disciplined.
DO NOT UNDER ANY
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MARRY SOMEONE WITH KIDS AT THE AGE OF 21!!!!!!!
Sorry.
But seriously, the headaches are not worth it. Many (MANY!) of us are crazy in love with our SOs and even like/love our stepkids...but goodness the stress/drama/etc of it all, many of us all feel like we would never do it again.
You have no reason to be encumbered with another person's child(ren).
My kids are both teens - I tell them all.the.time. "Have your OWN family".
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry but
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry but get out now. What you are seeing is a microcosm of what your life will be if you do stay with this man. You are fortunate to see this now before you permanently tie yourself to him. Please please please heed the advice you are getting from these posters. This man is not right for you. He's a child himself in temperment. Please get out and focus on yourself.
you haven't had children
you haven't had children yourself, because you aren't ready, so why in the world would you take on the responsibilities of someone elses' kids? that's even harder than having your own! please, concentrate on your studies and wait for when you're ready to have children. you WILL regret this one day if you continue down this path.
I would discourage you to
I would discourage you to stay in this relationship.
This is coming from someone who became a stepmom at 16 - yes while still in high school. My ex and I split and I swore that I would enjoy my college years until I met my current DH. I will say my DH was very understanding at keeping SS away while I was doing some school work, and gave me more of a break while I was in college but there is the fact I did still miss many things my peers were doing because I put myself in a step-mother role. I am not complaining as I love my DH very much but at times I wish I would have stayed single, or met DH after I had finished and enjoyed the college lifestyle.
You have your whole life ahead, and it does not seem like your SO is really wanting to discipline or boundaries. You have so many red flags that you have posted and even said that you stated some of the reasons of why you don't have any children...so if you don't think you can handle having a child yourself why put your body through the possibility of health issues (seizures/migraines like you mentioned) over a child that isn't yours and a situation that you have control to walk away from.
I don't have anything
I don't have anything different to add. Red flags everywhere. It will not get better. Best to break up now and get on with your life. Your BF sounds OCD (cleaning the kitchen for the 2nd time) and probably has other issues that you haven't seen yet. You sound like a good, responsible person but you don't want to be in the position of rescuing either BF or his son, you are far too young and have far too much in your future.