Fiance's kids
I was hoping for your opinions on what I should do. My fiancé and I have been dating for 2-1/2 years. After having separate houses for a while, we finally consolidated and moved into a house together. After I agreed to move in with her, and had all my stuff moved in, she told me her 2 sons, ages 20 and 21, would be moving in as well.
And that's where the problems started. They are, to put it nicely, unmotivated. They stay at home all day and do nothing except smoke pot (which she's ok with, much to my dismay) and play video games. This is in complete contrast to my morals and belief system. I was looking forward to them getting jobs and contributing to the bills, but there's no chance of that happening. I feel stuck and hopeless and this is having a strain on my relationship with her. I know if I move out my relationship with her will be over (at least I'm pretty sure) but something has to change. She defends her kids so I stopped bringing up the issue of them helping out towards the bills. They don't do their dishes; I hand wash my own dishes separately and let their dishes pile up in the sink. Right now, the only hope I have is that they will move out but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
My question is this: should I move out? I love her but cannot continue pretending I'm ok living with her kids.
Move out. That's all I can
Move out.
That's all I can think of.
Your problem didn't start
Your problem didn't start when they moved in. Your problem started when you didn't tell her NO. Get out quickly, this is ridiculous.
she lied to you and was
she lied to you and was deceitful abotu who would be living in the house.
id probably get out - who knows what else she is pulling hte wool over your eyes on. you need trust and honesty for a solid relationship.
I agree. We are allowing my
I agree. We are allowing my BS (22) to move back in this summer. Since I allowed SD 17 to move in with no notice, I didn't feel DH would be reasonable in telling me no. He didn't tell me no but did ask for some guidelines. Most of the guidelines were things I would have expected if I lived alone and had BS move back. The others we are working out compromises.
BS is moving in because he is graduating college and his lease is up. His roommates are going their separate ways, he can't quite afford a place of his own and he doesn't want to live with his girlfriend. He is applying to grad schools and for full time positions and saving for an engagement ring. I've made it clear he is expected to contribute to the household either through doing chores, paying rent or both. The rest of the rules are based on respecting the other in the house. A 22 year old isn't going to have a curfew, for example, but he is expected to respect the fact that others have to work when coming and going.
I would find it impossible to walk away from my kids, as DH finds it impossible to walk away from his. I'm not crazy about the crap my SD puts us through and sometimes DH thinks I do too much for my kids. But we do agree on limits to how much either of us are willing to accept. In the end it comes down to respect. If you don't have it you will always have problems.
These comments are game
These comments are game changers, so I'm wondering, has anybody actually followed this advice? My question stems from the fact that I do not have any experience dating someone with kids; this is my first relationship after my marriage (I have 17 y.o. and 21 y.o. sons). If I do meet someone else chances are they will have kids, so the problem isn't her kids (I frankly don't care what people do with their lives, that's their business), the problem is how do I get them out of the house? Has anybody been in the same situation as me? I am concerned because my SO is a good hearted person; her kids are not. They are the problem. I don't think she realized it at the time, this is the first time they have lived with her as well since they were teenagers (they were living with her mother). She brought them in hoping to change them, and there have been small incremental changes, but even she is shocked at their behavior. Frankly, I think the easy solution is to simply walk away from a good woman because of her crappy kids. If that's what needs to be done then so be it, but I would like someone to tell me that yes, that is the only solution.
Why were your wife's kids
Why were your wife's kids living with their grandmother and not their mother?
She couldn't have been that good a woman if she wasn't even raising her own kids.
I have not lived with
I have not lived with someone, then moved out due to these kinds of problems. But I have NOT moved in with someone or continued the relationship because of these kinds of problems. In other words, I've let an awesome person go because of the kid. I feel strongly that parents shouldn't move in unless they are literally planning the wedding. I know people will say, "But how will you know if it will work out if you don't move in first?" And my answer to that is that it doesn't take moving in to discover you can't live with the situation. People rush into shacking up during the honeymoon phase for whatever reason, but if they just wait a while, the same issues will come up even if you don't live together. Some decide not to see it, but the issues are there.
I know it's different when the kids come in or back after you've moved in together, but then again, if you were married and not just living together, it would be easier to provide a united front and literally put your marriage first...something most 2nd unions have trouble doing.
solution is to simply walk
solution is to simply walk away from a good woman because of her crappy kids.
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I would walk away from her because she tricked you about her kids.
I would walk away because she is a pretty bad parent. Do you really want your kids to see how her kids are?
She did lie to you about them
She did lie to you about them moving out so, yes, I would move out if she is not going to do anything about their behavior. They need to be given a time frame to get out and need to start contributing something to the household until then.
Do I understand correctly that they do not work nor do they go to school? Just smoke pot? Which, seriously, what kind of parent is ok with that in their home.
This is why I refuse to let my SD22 (and her 2 kids) move in. I would never get them out.
ETA: I read that too fast, I thought she said they would be moving OUT. But she still deceived you.
Mine works seasonal jobs
Mine works seasonal jobs because he "doesn't want to go to college" and these jobs have "off seasons". When he was 19 he came home in early November but failed to have a Winter job lined up and started to become very comfy enjoying his video games and all the comforts of home, minus the bills. DH started getting mad, as did I. Since I am the bio parent it was my responsibility to "make his life uncomfortable enough for him to want to behave more like an adult and leave adolescence behind." New rules for son- he is not a paying member of the house since he had no job so he had to do ALL the domestics except cooking which he had to clean up after me! He had to shovel dog poo, and hand shovel snow from drive. He had to dog sit if DH and I were out of town. He had to entirely live off his savings and odd jobs from neighbors. He had to donate plasma for extra cash! I can still see a very green young man walking out of that place! In between he had to job hunt. He finally landed another seasonal with a national park at the end of April (a long 5 months for him). Needless to say, the following November his "offseason" only lasted 4 weeks. He was up working for a ski resort before Thanksgiving and missed all holidays with us but so far he is self supporting. Life is NOT a free ride. And yes, it was hard for me to be tough on him but it would be harder to see him be a non-functioning adult. Oh, and when he was here last fall for the shorter off season, he still had domestic responsibilities plus paying work from neighbors. He is now 20. Hoping he chooses college or tech school one day but I will not push that because it can be an expensive mistake. A good book to read that helps push accountability back on the offender is "Parenting Teens With Love And Logic"....I know it says "Teens" but I have even used it in DH! Works great!
Some of you are so far off
Some of you are so far off base because you don't have the whole story, I wonder if you jump to conclusions on a regular basis. You don't know what kind of person my fiancé is. She didn't coerce me into anything, her mother said the kids straightened out, she believed her, we had a written roommate agreement about what behaviors were acceptable in the house, they were ok for a little while but now they're back to their old ways. So keep your opinions about what you think to yourself. The issue isn't about her in general, it's about her shitty kids. I'm about to end a relationship because of them. I don't care if you understand that or not, it's painful to lose her, and I'm almost certain she will choose her kids over me. They are not my kids, they are her blood. I really do love her.
Last night, it was extremely cold, about 5 deg. F. Early this morning, about 2am, I was awoken to the smell of pot in my bedroom, all the way at the end of the hallway. Her shitty kids had the sliding glass door open, smoking pot, because it was too cold to go outside. I snapped. I went to look for apartments today. I'm giving her the ultimatum, me or her kids, when I get home tonight. But like I said, I'm pretty sure I know which one she'll choose.
The best thing I hope could happen through all this is that someone in my shoes will read this and understand that future step-kids are probably not going to have the same value system as you, because they were raised with a value system and that becomes their definition of right and wrong, up and down, right and left. I'm guessing there are some situations where it works but you're probably better off not dealing with someone else who has kids. Keep separate households. I love my fiancé, I cannot stand her kids.