That is strange... was their relationship in the past very close? If yes, then I don't see anything wrong with her actions...a bit weird but if they are close then I don't see anything wrong with that. If it was my daughter I would tell her to put on some clothes. It depends on how she was brought up. Don't feel jealous though.

to me....I would have never behaved that way with either parent, especially my father. My SD is only 11, but yet we have our share of competitive moments. I know it is extremely difficult. I have never been able to be quiet about it and let things pass. I share most everything with my husband and he is the same. He either a.) doesn't see it; or b.) thinks its not a big deal. I am not sure how to handle that situation, and pray I don't have to experience it. Somehow I bet otherwise though. I would imagine some simple "rules of decency" should apply - close the bathroom door when you are in there type things. Her dad and you close the door. As should she. There is also no spot on her back that she should not be able to reach on her own.... argghhh....

I think that some jealousy is normal from daughters when their Bio Dad remarries (or even has a GF). But this seems to have gone too far. I would definately recommend talking to your sig. other. At the very least he should respect your needs, and the fact that it makes you uncomfortable and see that some changes are made.

Good luck!

Although it helps to post here and welcome feedback, when my fears and confusions are confirmed with your responses it makes me more uncomfortable. This situation with the 17 yr old daughter of b/f IS excessive and disgusting and at times like this I wonder why I put up with it. I love her father dearly and he has been wonderful to me in every way....except when it comes to her. We talk very little about her and I always have to be careful what i say, how i say it, when i say it, etc.... It's getting harder and harder to stay quiet. I know so much about her and what she does that he would not be pleased with, yet I don't know how to tell him. She is a totally different kid after he leaves the house at night. She pretends to be this perfect little angel around her dad...even talks like a baby (gag me), but on the phone with her few friends..she is totally different. She knows how to play him and i hate her making a fool of him. I guess it's his choice, but knowing what I know about her, I feel he doesn't have all the info he needs in order to know whats really going on. Some of what I am aware of would crush him. How do I tell him something that I know will hurt him? ANd on the other hand, if i don't say anything, I feel like i am betraying him by keeping secrets...acutally they are her secrets. I have thought about confronting her on these issues and telling her that she needs to come clean with him or that i will tell him. I would like to throw the fear of God into her !! But i worry that she will twist what I say (she has done this before) and tell her dad some crap that i didn't do. Some days I just think I would be better off just moving on. I wonder and worry if it ever stops. SHe will always be his daughter and he will always be her dad. She is so enmeshed in his life and into our (his and my) relationship that i just want to scream. It is just wrong for kids to be manipulating and involved in intimate adult relationships. Until and unless he is willing to talk about issues with her, it will never change. And he is so worried about upsetting her all the damn time, that I am not too hopeful at this point that we can ever have the serious discussion about this that we need to. Any suggestions??

The only thing that worked with me - even a little bit - was the one time he "saw it" himself. Mind you about a year went by before he even acknowledged seeing her behavior for what it was. If it were me - and mind you again, my SD is only 11 - I would have a serious conversation with him. Explain your position, what you see, how it makes you feel, and that there is no way you can move on in your relationship until some of this is resolved. She is 17 years old and puts on an act, talks like a baby in front of him and is spoiled rotten. He is parenting by guilt. Afraid to upset the perfect princess. I have this too. Don't worry. My husband almosts asks permission of his daughter to discipline her and almost apologizes to her after he does so. I don't get it. You must take steps to resolve it and that means speaking up and making a stand. I love you... but I am not going to watch her run around half naked, flirt with you, sit on your lap in a bikini, etc. Its wrong. Its strange. She is competiting with you and you are not going to play that game. Its not you or her... its him being a dad and putting boundaries on her behavior.

I know exactly how you feel! Frustrated and helpless!

I can only speak from my own experience, and trying to bring things to my BF’s attention has only backfired on me. I wanted to say something to him tonight and even went over the dialogue in my head, but I know that no matter what I say I will not get anywhere, so I continue to stay quiet.

I have found that no matter how carefully I choose my words, the mere mention of her name makes him defensive. He has to hear it and see it for himself.

I wouldn’t suggest confronting her, because she will more than likely twist it around on you. He will want to believe her so badly, that even if what she says doesn’t make sense, he will believe it anyway.

This is my situation, so maybe your BF would be more receptive.

I tend to agree with Bobbi....NOTHING you SAY is going to change THEIR relationship....he'll have to see it ON HIS OWN....without being "tainted" by your views...because, in my experience, like Bobbi's, that sets off "defense mode" and he will NOT BE open to anything you say regarding the subject of his daughter. Right or Wrong.
Besides, If she plays Dad so well ..you said it yourself..she has twisted things around..against you...don't give her any ammunition. I think approaching him will only backfire on you.....

I see similar behavior between SD & her Dad...sometimes...not to that extreme...but Dad thinking she is far more innocent that she is.

That's between them. So what if he thinks she's perfect and I know she's not...(no-one is). It has no direct effect on me. He'll continue to see the characteristics he CHOOSES to see regardless of anything I say.....and in the "big picture".....

Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? I already know I'm right!! lol I don't have to destroy my relationship with him trying to make him think like me...or change things that have been established llllooooooooong before I came into thier lives..

What will I win in the end. The satisfactiction of being right! And not much else..
He will see things when he's ready to see things.....

You situation is more extreme. Is there another way to bring the inappropriateness of this behavior to his attention maybe more indirectly, subtlely...or through 3rd parties. Can grandma comment on it..or neighbors or guys from work. What if they stopped in unexpectedly and happened to see her "bathroom activities" and made a huge scene after being embarassed. I think that kind of "peer pressure" approach with "dad's" friends/family may be more effective...takes away HER power to make YOU the bad guy!!
Do you know what I mean....my daughter would DIE!!!!! if her brother freinds or a neighbor was over the house and she had the door open. (Not that she would...She knows better)

Just throwing out some ideas....... hope it helps in some way

That's a good idea Lovin-Life. Sheila, if your BF has a friend or someone else who would be willing to say something to him that might open his eyes a little to what is going on. This is what I have been waiting for. He needs to hear it from someone else, not you.

I have already had mutual friends of ours make comments to me regarding her behavior and the way he reacts, but I have told them that they really need to say something to my BF. I'm afraid, though, they are a hestitant to say much to him for fear of "rocking the boat." I am hoping that eventually someone will be brave enough to say something, because I think that might make a difference.

Lovin-Life made a good point. Do you want to be right or happy? I would rather be happy.

but unfortunately I just can't let things sit inside like that. Sometimes. I try. Generally doesn't work that way. I think is possible to have an adult conversation w/o "attacking"... and yeah, I know how defensive DH's get when we bring up the PP. I have told my husband lots of times "pay attention", "watch what is happening around you"... he gets so focused on whatever and doesn't see interactions around him. I do agree with you all, also, and my SD is not a teenager yet, I haven't come to "this stage", and g** forbid I do, but to me, I feel like a doormat inside when I sit and stew and keep this stuff to myself. I want my DH to know how things make me feel so that hopefully "the next time" its easier/better/improved/can be changed, whatever.. communication is a powerful key. I do know, and definately agree though, that the biggest, most useful key is for them to "see" the behavior with their own eyes and "get it".

I didn't behave this way. But when I was dating my husband he still lived at home, mind you he was 18 at the time. ANd he would get out of the shower dry off and leave his towel in the laundry basket and walk naked to his room, in front of me, and both his parents. I thought this was sooooo strange. I said something one time. And he told me why does it matter they are my parents, they have seen it before. And I then said okay but I am there too, you should be more private about it. He said you've seen it before too OKAY??? I still don't 'get' it but.... maybe some families are just more open or something.

Yes, this is true of a friend of mine....his family was the same way. Not naked but his brother paraded around in his underwear in front of the parents, me ,etc. and his parents didn't think anything of it...... I was embarassed!!! We're more modest!!

And my daughter has a friend and she and her family are the same way. My daughter and a couple of her friends don't go there anymore because they are uncomfortable with the families openess. They are good, upstanding people, but my daughter & co don't share the same veiws of openess....they are more reserved.

I'm with Sky22.....I don't get it either...it could just be the "family tradition'......of openness & comfort.

Thanks again for being here. You all have some very good suggestions and ideas for me that I need to think about. I know he (b/f)needs to be more aware of what is going on around him and I know I cannot change their relationship. I would never want to come between he and either of his daughters. I am just at wits end over seeing this bizarre behavior on a daily basis. I know she is playing games because the closer he and I get, the more she steps up her weird behavior. She truly does act like she is his g/f. Not only is this ugly for me to watch, it simply is not healthy for her to even THINK this way, let alone behave in this manner and it certainly is inappropriate for him to allow it. he just does not "get it". My big question is this....if I do not tell him what I know...am i being dishonest with him? I have shared some things with him, knowing it would cause a fight, but her safety (she was/is hanging around the dangerous part of the city) was involved and i knew he needed to know. I feel like once he finds out some of the other things that i know, he will be angry and hurt that I knew and did not tell him. The suggestion about having a third party talk to him is a good one...one that I have actually been fortunate enough to act upon. His best friend and I talk all the time about what is going on and he has been able to approach b/f on a few things....the thing is, he has to wait until b/f brings up certain issues before he can act on it. That way b/f does not know we have discussed some things. I don't feel good about talking behind his back, but i have to say it has been my saving grace on many ocassions. b/f has gotten angry with his friend, but he always listens to what he says...and that helps to plant the seed. Like you StressedSM, i have a very hard time keeping my mouth shut. I feel like i am part of the problem if I am not able to say some things. Some of the behavior is just too unhealthy to let go unmentioned.

Bobbi, how old is your b/f daughter?

In regards to Stressedsm's reply above. I agree, the 'pretending' to be OK with something....doesn't usually work for long.....it usually stews & just gets bigger. It almost gets obsessive...the more you try to stuff it down..the more it rears it's ugly head.

I have been working on changing MY reactions to situations...not just biting my tongue or pretending to be OK with stuff. I don't stew over things anymore. I really don't!!!!

I'm asking myself...
Why do I react the way I do?
Why does 'this' action by her, him, X.....cause me to feel mad, hurt, indignant, etc. (It is him/her or is it something else..that hits a nerve.)

What effect does 'this' really have on me.
Is is done directly TO ME.....
Or do my insecurities, just make it about ME...when it's really about them, thier issues, their relationship.

Would I want anyone 'interfering' with my realtionships with my siblings, or parents, or co-workers, or friends..telling me what I'am doing wrong as a friend...etc. I have friends that would not be his first choice as freinds...but they are people that I have bonds with that go back 30 years.(we hae evolved into very different people/but the bond remains)

IS my guy going to come in and say...THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE...because I say so....and me just say....OK dear.

I've spoken your words...felt your frustration...."What the hell is his problem that I can't even mention her name and he tenses up....!!" Trying to talk to him ...For what I think are completely reasonable reasons..in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice...making some good sound points..etc.. and being in comlete shock at his unreasonable "defense" of SD.

We've kind of met in the middle after some counselling...
We understand each other's point of view and the hidden motivators behind our actions & reactions.....

I've really changed my perspective...I've learned to not be so insecure... To not micro-manage things, not to analyse every little thing so much...to step back more and look at the big picture ... it helps keep me aware of whats really important in focus..

I'm not sure what the exact thing is that got me from the stage you are now to where I am now...because I tried to igore things..I tried to not let stuff bother me..I just couldn't do it. No-matter how hard I tried.

Something clicked in my brain and it is the coolest thing. The behaviour of 'others' just doesn't have the same affect on me anymore....
(I'm not the one responsible for their behavior..and it's not my job to "fix' everyone...even if they think they're not broken and I do.)

I'm rambling on.....but it's hard to convey with words how differntly I feel now about issues that would drive me crazy!!!

I want everybody to get to this place....!!!!!

Sheila, what about discussing some common ground and mutual expectations.. with your BF. Maybe in a hypothetical way...approach it from a you angle and not a him or SD angle.....sometimes how things are presented makes a huge difference. Use I statemtments not YOU (bf) or SHE (sd) statements

Ask him ...What his expectaions of YOU as his GF and as a person in his daughters life are.....
...you might go on to say...how you think you can best meet HIS expections
....or ask him how he thinks YOU can best meet these expectations..
.....depending how the conversation goes....if things are going well
...maybe you could ask...generalized questions about...what if I know something...and aren't sure how YOU expect me do deal with the information....

Approaching discussion from this angle..is more likely to put people at ease and more open to honest discussion because it's now about his feelings & expectaions and not about your demands

This approach works BOTH ways with BOTH partners.....

You can't force b/f to use this appraoch ....but YOU CAN CHANGE HOW YOU DISCUSS THINGS.....how you phrase things.

The same issues will be discussed in the end...once one partner opens up..feels validated etc..they are more likely to reciprocate and begin to validete the others feelings etc..

This had been my experience......with my SD hubby crap...and it has worked.... takes practice.....old habits die hard!!

hope some of that helps....:)

Absolutely disgusting and inappropriate! In today's society, we are hearing more about daughters who are "in love" with their dad's. They somehow see that THEY are the woman in their dads' lives and act accordingly. Sounds like she probably is jealous also. But she may be doing these things whether or not you were in the picture anyway just because she has an unhealthy view of her relationship with her father. She needs therapy.

XBF, aka Gummy Worm Spine had a relationship with his oldest daughter (the Bulldozer) that I can only describe as extremely spousal. It made me sick. I thought it was very creepy and I finally left him because that "woman" will always be functionally, in every way but sexual, his wife and BFF and it was *$%%$%#^#^@! DISGUSTING to me and very disrespectful and I'm very sure that although they have always been close (a little TOO close IMHO), there were times when her little "displays" were very certainly for my benefit. :sick: :sick: :sick:

I refuse to compete with that.