Feeling so alone
Hi all,
I am feeling really alone. I have been in a relationship with a man who I feel I am just about to give up on. We have sought counselling and it has brought the rejection I have felt from him over the past 14 months to the surface and I am feeling very stupid for getting to this point. He proposed on our 1 year anniversary and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my days with this man, but after my rehashing of the past I feel I am now confused if I want him in my future.
I will give you some background to our problems. He has a 10 year old son and he doesn't know how to be a father to him. He is his "friend" and has never given this child any discipline through the fear that his son will want nothing to do with him. His mother is a real piece of work. She has never worked a day in her life, my fiance supports her financially and if anything upsets her she threatens that he won't see their son. To make matters worse his son will call his mum any time he doesn't get the attention he wants and then BM calls and demands him to bring SS10 home. And all the while he is supporting her financially WTF.
Sorry thought I could save
Sorry thought I could save what I had typed and come back to it, I was wrong!!! I have to go and finish it later
Run. Counseling works - IF
Run.
Counseling works - IF all parties admit that there's a problem and all WORK at fixing it. It doesn't sound like you're at that point. Maybe it will change, but right now, you're not legally tied to this man.
Until he cuts the BM off, until he becomes a PARENT and not a friend, there is no place for YOU except third-best behind his EX and his child. You deserve better than that.
He has been supporting her
He has been supporting her for 10 years.
There's no room for another relationship in this man's life other than perhaps a casual dating relationship. If he marries you, or anyone else, likely the new wife is going to want to end this financial burden and then BM will be furious and what do you think BM will do? Do you think BM will suppose it is time she took initiative for her own life and got a job? No. She will turn her fury on the new wife. The kid will be caught in the middle.
You do not really want to be in this. You deserve someone who can really be there for you.
It is so sad that these women
It is so sad that these women so called biological mothers don't have the dignity to stop being so selfish and depend on their ex-husbands to take care of them financially. And it is even sadder that they use their children to set vendettas against ex-husbands/partners.
He goes over and beyond child
He goes over and beyond child support, he pays her rent, he bought her a car, paid off her credit card debts and everything else that is for her son. She sits on her lazy ass and collects welfare, rent assistance and if anything needs to be arranged for her son for example a birthday party, she can't even arrange that.
As for counselling, he does realise we have problems and he is hoping to get some help from psychologist.
His ex had a problem with me meeting his son and it took me threatening to leave to meet him after six months. He has him every weekend so that meant I couldn't see him on a weekend for the first six months. I wasn't even aloud to call him, we had to wait for SS10 to be busy. Well now I have met SS10 and it is just as bad. It is like I am invisible, he is constantly by his side, even if he has a friend over like he has tonight, he can't leave his side. We are living together and he won't let me do anything for his son, yet he is great with my to boys 12 and 17. It is like he is scared his ex will get upset if I do anything maternal with his son. I feel like we can't be a family when I am kept at arms length from his son.
I think you are the first
I think you are the first poster I've seen who was pre-emptively disengaged by the parent! That could be very good, depending upon your perspective.
I predict there is going to be hell to pay with BM if your BF cuts off the money supply. She will do everything she can to turn the child against Dad, and even moreso and more easily, against you.
I have been an emotional mess
I have been an emotional mess and I think he has finally seen what the rejection he put me through has done to me. I was so confident when we first met, but this situation has turned me into a mess. I haven't stopped crying all week and he has felt really bad and has promised to make it up to me. Well we have SS10 this weekend and he hasn't given me a minute of quality time, it has just been his son. Its like I don't exist. That is making it up to me. This morning I made pancakes for breakfast like I usually do on the weekends, his son usually loves them. While I was in the middle of cooking them his son came up to me and said he didn't want any pancakes. Dad can you make me a toasted sandwich, Dad made him the sandwich and his son kept checking, Dad did you make this?? I feel worthless around him and his son and he is worried I might resent him. If I do, he has himself to blame!!
We have his crazy ex calling and texting her son constantly all day, trying to find out what we are all doing and it doesn't bother my fiance. SS10 has problems sleeping and has slept with his parents until I came along. My fiance has to lay in bed with him till he goes to sleep, he doesn't go to bed till after midnight and they watch tv in bed and my fiance comes to me around 1.30 2.00, well his ex called on night at 1.45 am to say goodnight to SS10 and by stupid fiance didn't even tell her off for calling so late. I must stop I could go on and on and on!!
Its true about fiance initiating disengagement, he is making it quite easy for me.
This kid has very serious
This kid has very serious behavioral problems and if dad does not stop pampering him, you guys will end up paying a psychotherapist in order to address the issues. And psychotherapy is not cheap.
Why are you even considering
Why are you even considering spending the rest of your life in this situation. Yes rest of your life because kids never really go away. I know its hard to walk away from a relationship and hope to kindle a new one but frankly if you spend the rest of your life unmarried you'll be better off than where you are now.
Like someone said earlier: RUN
I was in a similar situation
I was in a similar situation as you, only there were 3 kids, not just one. And he wasn't FULLY supporting the bm, but it's bad enough. I went 18 months and finally got it. When I broke up with him, I had no regrets. My plan was to keep hanging in there until all our kids were gone. But then I realized that meant getting treated crappy for the next 12 years and that was too much. At the very least, I wouldn't even CONSIDER being with this man forever if he isn't going to pay ONLY what the state requires him to pay. Do not marry someone who is financially obligated to the hilt to someone else; you would be wife #2! That's even worse than coming after the kid!
It's strange that she sits around all day and then gets every wknd off. Nice set up. For her. This will never ever ever work for you.
The way I see it, you have two choices. Stay together until you are so emotionally over it that the break up is easy. Or, break up now and be upset for a couple of weeks. Either way, I don't see this working out. Whatever you decide, make a list of the things that you can't take anymore and refer to it when you miss him. It makes it sooooo much easier to deal with the break up!
OMG, he is treating you as a
OMG, he is treating you as a concubine. Please do not marry the guy.