Feel so rejected- any advise
I have lurked on this site for more than 2 years. It has helped me a lot. I have only been married a little more than a year but I feel my marriage is already over. My husband has sufferred from severe depresssion for about 2 years now because of the issues BM has put us through. We were making some progress by excluding her from our home totally. He calls and sees his kids often but they no longer come over here and for the most part everyone is happy about that. My Husband has been on medication for his depression and has helped a lot. During the time we were dating and after we were married he left me 6 different times. Sometimes he wouldn't come home or contact me for several days. One time he went into the hospital because he was so depressed. I got to the hospital and he told me to go away 2 different times at 3 in the morning and I had to work the next day, but I didn't give up on him. I kept coming back because I loved him and I was there to support him. Well lately we have been having some issues because I seem to not be able to get over every time he left me. I keep thinking he is going to do it again even though he says he won't. Well last night we went to a movie and dinner and we got into a small arguement during dinner. It turned into something big because I once again brought up how many times he left me, etc. etc. I went for a drive this morning and asked him to meet me at starbucks to talk. He said he wouldn't because he was watching the football game. He knew how upset I was because I was crying. I got to thinking about all the times I just dropped everything because he decided to call me after several days to meet him. I just feel so used and abused.. He couldn't even take time out to drive 4 miles to starbucks.. after all I have been through with him. I know it seems small .. like it was only starbucks but I felt like he was saying I don't matter at all... Can you all please give me some advise..Am I taking this all too personal?
You need to get to the root of the problem
Sometimes a professional therapist is the only one that can help you do this.
I will tell you my husband behaved this same way when we first married. This lasted almost three years and we have only been married 4 years. My DH actually moved out of our home three times and stayed at BM's some. This was quite distressful to me and my kids. I took it very personal - it's hard not to. I sent him (insisted on) to therapy before I let him move back in that last time and it has not happened since. He would sort of panic and leave if you know what I mean. I have also had a lot of trouble getting over his actions. I had to have some therapy of my own after that. He is fine now, but I recently admitted to him that any problems were are having lately still has to do with what he did. Very hard to get over that.
Please PM me if you want.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
I agree with Harleygal
When I first read your blog I thought one of three things:
1. His medication needs changed or dose needs increased.
2. He needs psychotherapy in conjunction with the medication.
3. He is a self-centered, self-absorbed drama queen.
I'm betting it's a combination of 1 and 2. Not all antidepressants work the same; some work better than others. The trick is to recognize when the medication or dose needs changed or adjusted.
My mother is also being treated for depression. She took one med that actually made her feel worse, so she quit taking it. Her doctor recently (within the last 2 months) changed her to Cymbalta and she is doing much better now.
I think your husband should pursue therapy along with taking medication. I think it would be a good idea for you as well, to help you understand the disease better and how to react constructively to these situations when they arise.
It must be very difficult for you to deal with this. Sometimes it can be worse when we feel so helpless, not knowing what to do. Rejection is very hurtful...we tend to squash these feelings down but they end up simmering just under the surface until one day we explode. But it's certainly not a good scenario living day to day constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a very stressful way to live.
I hate to be negative but
leaving 6 times in only a year? I could not take it. My ex threatened me with divorce pretty much every time we fought and he did not get his way, maybe a total of 6 times in 3 yrs. But that was all it took to completely shatter my heart. I had no sense of security, no sense of stability, no faith in our future and NO interest in bringing children into such an unstable household. Sure there was always apologies and promises not to say it again afterthefact, but the damage could not be undone, though I still loved him, I stopped trusting him, and although I tried to forgive, the damage was done. The last time he threatened to divorce me, I promised to divorce him, and that's exactly what I did. Some words when spoken, can't be taken back, if he learned anything from our 8 yr relationship, it should be that. In your situation, it's some actions, I would not be able to handle what you are describing, but only you can know when your heart is completely shattered beyond mending, instead of broken again....
Good luck to you, I am very sorry you're going through this...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein