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Feel so guilty

Richard 81's picture

Submitted by Richard 81 on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 7:00am

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Hi Guys,

I've just found this site and i've gleened some great info. from it already so thankyou.

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years now and prior to that i was single (and travelled the world) for a decade.

Ive never really got ot grips with the fact shes has 2 kids and it still doesnt sit comfortably with my idea of how i want my life to turn out. At first i didnt have much to do with them but now weve loved together for a year i am really struggling with them.

I feel guilty becasue they are actually really good kids on the whole but just the sound of them taling and laughing on a morning infuriates me and i just dont need or want them here. The daughter (she has 1 of each) is bemocing very needy and maniplative amongst other things. 

Lately i just seem to lock myself in my office and even sometimes pretend i am working so nobody bothers me but i know this is not a long term solution.

My partner generally put me first over them and thats not an issue, i actually wish she would put them first. I'm happy on my own so i just get on with it.

Id like to stay with my partner but i just dont see how this is possible?

Thanks in advance

Rich

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 7:11am

How old are the kids? 

In my experience, it's totally normal and natural to feel like this with children that aren't yours. They are exhausting. Hell, I feel this way with my stepdaughter who is 8 - we've had full custody since she was 2. At a certain age, it's acceptable to tell them, "look, I need some quiet time, go play outside/in your rooms/etc" and go on with your day. 

Around 3 or so, we'd ask SD for some quiet time and have her play in her room. Now that she's older, I can literally say "you're being a bit annoying. Stop or go play somewhere else" lol 

holly5692's picture

Submitted by holly5692 on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 8:09am

I think it's pretty natural to get annoyed with the kids, especially when they're not yours. I get annoyed with my own kids all the time haha. And I get even more annoyed with my skids.

But I think you're at a bit of a crossroads here. Maybe being with someone who has kids just isn't for you. And there's nothing wrong with that. But I think you'll do more harm the longer you stay while being unhappy with the situation. Either you can find it within yourself to be at peace with it or you can't. Neither is right or wrong. But it's not likely going to change--this is literally the way it is going to be for the long haul. At least until they grow up and move out. So the real question is can you still see yourself living this life years down the road?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 8:19am

It sounds like you are not happy with your situation.  Unless you plan on having kids of your own, this might not be the relationship for you. It sounds like she is a good mother and balanced her relationship with her kids and you, but you are not happy. If this isn't what you want, no point in trying to force it.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 1:32pm

You need to examine whether or not you are a childfree person. If you don't enjoy being around kids or don't want them in your life it's totally okay, but if you are C.F. then you should move on from this relationship. There are plenty of available women who don't want kids out there, but it all starts with self examination and self honesty. 

Richard 81's picture

Submitted by Richard 81 on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 4:07am

Thanks for all the advice guys.

i just hate the fact they stop us travelling and living elsewhere in the world. I feel trapped almost and resent them even though they are good kids.

its hard this Adult thing! Smile

Rich 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 2:36pm

Plenty of bleded family couples live and work internationally.   There is no reason why your Skids should prevent you and your partner from doing the Expat thing.

As a 3CK myself, I had several friends growing up overseas who had SParents, StepSibs and new half sibs in their full time foreign home and one BioParent and potentially Sparents, StepSibs and new BioSibs in their country of origin.  

Though not easy, it can work.

My DW and I spent 7 of the last 9 years internationally though we kicked that part of our lives together off after SS-27 launched at 18.  That was not by design.  We would have done it while he was still at home if the opportunity had arrised.  My DW had full physical and legal custody and he SpermIdiot had long distance visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) which would have not been impacted by us living overseas.  

We wished that we could have given SS that experience.  As it turned out, he is having his own international adventure and has been living and working in Germany for several years.  

I am not one to sacrifice opportunty with a tidal wave of "buts","what ifs" or excuses.

Work something out.  Make it happen.

Enjoy!