Family secrets
This isn't necessarily a step parent issue but I feel like there is a shit storm on the horizon and I was wondering if anyone has dealt with this before. So here it goes, my DH and I each have two kids. I have two daughters and he has two sons. His older son (14) is actually his step son. SS14 was 4 years old when he met DH and has never known his real dad (SS's BM had him at 16, I'm assuming the real dad was a teen as well but she's never said anything about him). DH is a good guy and has raised him as his own despite being only 20 when he met him.
The issue that concerns me is that over the years SS14 just sort of forgot that DH isn't his real father. He doesn't have any memories of life before meeting DH. Everyone in his life has gone along with his belief that DH is his biological dad. The problem is that this can't possibly last forever. SS14 is three quarters Hispanic and has black hair and tan skin. DH is blonde hair/blue eyes/fair skin. SS14 has his mother's last name, no father listed on his birth certificate, no baby pictures of him and DH or any of DH's family, etc. DH and BM's stance is that they're not going to say anything unless he comes to one of them with questions/doubts. They will tell him the truth if he brings it up but otherwise they're not going to sit him down and have that talk.
I feel like SS14 is going to start suspecting that things aren't as they seem any day now. I'm worried that he's going to be so angry at the adults in his life, including me. Just the other day DH had gotten on to him about something school related and later on I told him, "dad wants you to take more responsibility," and SS14 said sarcastically, "yeah bc Dad was so responsible to have me at 16." Whenever SS14 makes comments like this I usually politely smile but don't respond. This is the best thing I can think to do, I certainly don't want to add to the lie but I totally understand that the middle of a casual conversation is not the right time to drop a bombshell on a kid. I think that's been the problem, there's never a "right" time for his parents to talk to him.
I was just wondering, has anyone had this type of secret in their own family where a teen or young adult found out someone wasn't their biological parent? What was the fall out? Do you think it depends on the personality of the kid to determine how they will react to discovering the truth?
To make matters worse, DH has been slightly disengaging from SS14's school work and general day-to-day life over the past year or so. SS14 is a typical lazy and moody teen a lot of the time and he was getting detention at school a lot and barely passing a lot of his classes. BM would simply not be tough on him and let everything slide whereas DH felt like he needed a lot of discipline to get back on track. DH was tired of looking like that bad guy and getting all the push back so he ended up telling BM that she needed to be primarily responsible for SS14 during the school year. As a result SS14 only stays over every other weekend whereas it used to be 60% of the week. BM and her boyfriend both accused DH of casting aside SS14 in favor of his new family., which couldn't be farther from the truth, the reality is that it's hard to set expectations and follow through on those with a kid you have no legal rights to and who's legal parent won't support you on. However, I still worry that when SS14 starts getting suspicious his mother and boyfriend will be like, "now you know why you stopped going to their house as much," and they'll just totally twist all of that and make it seem like we didn't want him.
Thank you for this advice. I
Thank you for this advice. I wish DH would sit him down and talk to him, I wouldn't even care if he and BM talked to him together. I would imagine that he would like to see her squirm as she has to clarify that it was only her who was a teen parent.
My oldest SS, is DH step son
My oldest SS, is DH step son as well. Well, DH adopted him after marrying BM1 and having a son with her. He knows DH adopted him when he was very young. It is not a secret. It is not brought up often. I don't know who the bio dad is only that he was never around and did not contest the adoption.
I think this something that should not have been kept under wraps for so long. Do you think he partly knows? Something? But doesn't dig any deeper? I think this has gone on way too long but needs to be handled with the utmost care.
I know someone who found out and was very shocked and upset. It was said out of anger "I am not your father!" It caused a physical brawl. It was the truth.
I'm really not sure he
I'm really not sure he suspects anything. I think he still has a lot of child naivety--despite the Internet and all that kids have these days to make them grow up faster.
No, he never adopted him. It
No, he never adopted him. It was one of those to-do list things that never got done and then they split up when SS14 was 10. DH was never concerned that she would keep SS from him, we actually think that if he insisted that SS14 live with us full time and do every other weekend with her she would agree to it but he wants her to be forced to step up to the plate and parent.
Yeah, it's probably not going
Yeah, it's probably not going to go well when the truth comes out, especially with a BM who is willing to throw your DH under the bus.
I found out at 16 that
I found out at 16 that stepdad wasn't "dad." A social worker broke the news since my family had imploded and I was placed in a foster home. It was hard to take but also very freeing as my stepdad was an angry alcoholic. At the same time I had an older half sister that I didn't know about who was searching for and found me. All of this happened around the same time, talk about a complete life shift! Looking back, I handled it all quite maturely for as young as I was.
In your case since DH is the only "dad" he's ever known and does love the kid (I assume), it would be better for skid to hear it in a loving way from DH than from a drunken or angry oops or outside source. It's a real possibility that bio dad could pop up out of the blue or relatives from his family.
You wrote this: "DH and BM's
You wrote this:
"DH and BM's stance is that they're not going to say anything unless he comes to one of them with questions/doubts. They will tell him the truth if he brings it up but otherwise they're not going to sit him down and have that talk."
And then later talked about how SS makes comments about DH having him at 16... and no one refutes it.
So, on the one hand the BP's say they'll address it if he mentions it... but then he mentions it and everyone pretends not to hear him?
SS *IS* asking right now. He's a teen, he's not going to come to the dinner table with DNA evidence and legal counsel... he's going to make comments to see what happens. He's not getting answers, so he's getting increasingly stressed. He's going to keep pushing limits until someone finally has this conversation with him.
Why are YOU going along with the lies? Is that the kind of person you want to be? If not, stop. Next time SS says something like that to you, respond with, "SS, your dad didn't have you at 16. You're going to have to ask him to tell you about it. I can help. How about tonight at dinner?"
I don't feel comfortable at
I don't feel comfortable at all lying by omission. SS14 only says that kind of stuff once in a blue moon but it's very awkward when he does. I've tried to nudge DH in the direction of having a heart to heart with SS and he passed it off as something that BM needs to be responsible for. I know he is worried that SS will take it really hard and not want to have anything to do with him and then he'll go down a bad path. BM is procrastinating for basically the same reasons, she doesn't want to finish raising SS on her own (she has admitted that she needs DH in SS's life bc she doesn't know how to be anything but a buddy to him). I think they're both hoping that it's going to be a Santa/Easter Bunny situation--he'll be old enough when he finds out the truth that he'll already have the wisdom to understand why they did what they did.
He forgot in the sense that
He forgot in the sense that he knew at one point since he was already 4 when DH and his mom got together. When I started dating my hubby I had no clue that SS didn't know he is a step son. No one said anything one way or another. I didn't realize he thought DH was his bio dad till he was around 12 but we weren't married yet so I definitely didn't think it was my place to say anything then.
This kid needs the facts. DH
This kid needs the facts. DH should sit him down and give him the "I am your dad and always will be your dad. However......" clarity talk.
Who cares if it pisses BM off? This about a young man who needs to know his history and that a man of character is his father and loves him enough to be honest with him.
You were asking if this
You were asking if this happened to anyone else.
My former SO was adopted by his step father when he was a baby. Up until his early twenties, he didn’t know that his biological father was someone else. His parents lied to him about their wedding date as well, in order to cover their tracks and/or not make him think he was illegitimate.
It wasn’t until former SO tried to start planning his parents “25th” wedding anniversary did they tell him that the father he thought was his biological father all along really wasn’t.
He did not take the news very well and it really made him feel differently about the other family members, including his younger brother and sister who knew all along. To say he was bitter is an understatement.
Despite what they might say,
Despite what they might say, your husband and Mom are more concerned about themselves than they are about this child. If they really cared about/loved the kid? They'd be honest.And your husband is as guilty of this as Mom.
Your DH needs to tell him the
Your DH needs to tell him the truth. Both his parents are wrong in this situation. Something should have been said a long time ago. He's 14 years old, one of two things are going to happen, he will be piss off or he's going to say he knew or suspected. At the end of the day, he still that boys father. Your DH pushing himself from his son is doing more harm then good, he either needs to make decision is he going to be in this boy life or not.