Family Bed in one house not other...thought?
Hello,
Our family has an issue, I'd love feedback on based upon any of your experience. I am a SM to twin boys age 8. My husband had a very disgruntled divorce with his ex about 4 years ago. And she is still just as disgruntled. I also have a 4 year old girl from a previous marriage.
Here's the issue. One of our boys around Halloween started getting nightmares. When discussing his nightmares he told his Mom let him watch the movie SCREAM (I posted on this particular issue at the time). Well since then he has gone from a great sleeper to a very poor one. He's taken to sleeping in his twin brothers bed every night. A small bed....two big boys. He's not getting the greatest of sleep. We got fed up this morning and asked the question. Do you do this at your Mom's house? Our answer was no b/c he sleeps in his Mom's bed. He'd love to sleep in our bed to but his Mom has forbidden him from sleeping with us. So....kind of puts us in an uncomfortable position. He's creating habits that 1. we don't agree with at his age and 2. we would never really be able to support since we have three kids.
When ex was asked she basically gave us the finger and told her that's her family time with the kids and in no way will she change it. She thinks age 8 isn't too old for boys to sleep with their Mom. She said it's our problem that he has issues at our house and Oh if he IS having trouble sleeping maybe we should alter the custody arrangement so they are overnight with her more. FRUSTRATING!
Has anyone had any experience with this and an ex? Does anyone currently share family bed with older children and have positive benefits to say about it (I don't know much about it). Should we just accept it and continue to just try and foster independent sleeping here regardless of what happens in their other home?
P.S. She does have a boyfriend and they get booted from the bed when he's over. That's when they share their little twin bed like they do at our house.
kids in parents' bed
SD slept with her mom until she was around 8. She never had to sleep in her own room until she started having visitation with us (she was 8). It was hard for SD, but there was no way in hell we were going to let her sleep with us.
I have to laugh because BM let him watch SCREAM. In our case, BM let SD watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the 40 year old virgin...lol, but yet, she's picky when we take SD to the movies.
Back to the bed issue, do not let him sleep in your bed...especially at the age of 8. Maybe...he can sleep on the floor if you don't mind..but then again, that would be invading your territory with your husband...I wouldn't let SD do that. Maybe let him sleep with the light on...or sleep on the floor next to his brother's bed.
Do whatever you need to do in your own home. Who cares what happens in ther other house. Don't let the kid's play the "I get to do _________ at my mom's house, so why can't I do it here?" As DH said to BM one time (and I'm proud of him for saying this) "you can't control what happens in MY house, stop trying."
A shrink said it best once...
(I don't who but I'm going to guess it was Dr. Phil---lol)
It is not good for children, especially older children (over the age of like one), to sleep with the parent in the parent's bed. This, among other issues, cause children to be "co-dependent" on that particular parent or parents. Which basically means the child is going to grow up with a dependency issue. Usually meaning that child will never think for himself---she/he will always rely on this other person, in this case the parent.
We had this problem for the longest time with SD & BM. There was nothing really that we could do about it. Both DH & I already know this kid is going to be co-dependent where BM is concerned. Several times over the last few years BM & SD lived with BM's mother (among about 5 other people) and BM & SD slept on couch together. Even when BM moved into her own place a couple of times the two of them still slept in this same bed. This happened up until last year, but still occurs some, when BM had a male friend coming over after SD(then 6) went to bed. SD would also get spanked several times if SD got out of bed. You draw your own conclusion.
I say you & your DH need to have the twins sleep in separate beds. And never let the child sleep with you. If the nightmares continue to the point the child is not sleeping then I suggest to talk with your family physician or even a psychologist about the nightmare issue.
"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."
beds
You can't control what goes on at someone else's house, however you have lots to say at your own home. Dont ever let him sleep in your bed or you will have more problems. Can you put a full size bed in the boys room or 2 twins so they will have more room?
You can maybe try a visco
You can maybe try a visco foam mattress topper to provide more comfort. Think that might produce some great results for this particular situation.
All valid points above I
All valid points above
I don't think cosleeping is ok. Everything that I have personally witnessed in several families points to it making the children very codependent. It emotionally stunts them in a lot of ways. I am the oldest of four children. My mom remarried and had two sons, my younger brothers. My parents coslept with them and they are still living at home and really screwed up where as my sister and I who didn't cosleep with my parents are very independent.
I think it crosses boundaries and sends unhealthy messages. When a child is a young, unhealthy, or having a nightmare then there are exceptions. Most children like having their own space. There may be more going on with SS8 and I would attempt to get him comfortable in his own bed once again. A nightlight, filling a water bottle with "monster spray" or soothing bedtime activities like reading a book might help. Just because a kid wants to do something doesn't mean he should.
It is called a marital bed and should be reserved for adults only. Parents are so busy they deserve some time with each other at the end of the day to connect too.
I wonder if sharing a room
I wonder if sharing a room does the same thing with codependency. My two stepkids have shared a room since birth. One is very afraid of "monsters" and the dark and sleeping alone. He even pushes his bed so it's right next to his brother at night. It's cute on one hand that they are so close, but is that something they will grow out of?