Excuses for the skids
I posted a little bit about my situation before but unfortunately the post didnt show up. I have been coming to ST for 3 years and 11 months. I met DH 4 years ago! I have been in step hell since the moment we met.
DH and I have two bios (DD1, DS1), SS7 and DD17. For simplicity, Ill leave the situation with DD17 out of this. My issue is with SS7. According to DH, my SS7 is a god. He is the perfect child, that everybody loves. In DHs eyes, SS7 can do no wrong. The world is to celebrate his accomplishments and disregard his shortcomings. My SS7 and I get along well, but the kid is far from perfect. In fact, he is currently on a behaviour plan at school bc DH and BM worship the ground he walks on. There are no rules, no expectations, no boundaries and no consequences. FOR HIM. I was thinking today about all the excuses DH has given me over the years for SS7s behavioural problems. No doubt you folks have heard a few yourselves. I wanted to share some on the ones Ive heard and was hoping you could too. Bc right now, all I have left is my sense of humour and even that is fading fast.
When SS7 was put on the behaviour plan at school bc he was getting in trouble all the time i was told:
- I think its the other kids fault.
- The schools standards are too high.
- Boys will be boys.
- Thats just kids. They are disrepectful to teachers and they do get in fist fights.
- Its BMs fault
To be honest, whenever SS7 is caught lying, stealing or misbehaving, these are usually the excuses i hear. I wish this were the only problem. I dread to think how SS7 is going to turn out since hes been raised to think nothing is ever his responsibility. Despite all of this, SS7 and I generally get along. He talks to me as a confidante and I like the kid. I think he respects me. I feel bad for him that he isnt getting the guidance he needs. At this stage, I am waiting for the resentment to kick in. Mine that is. With the other 3 kids, DH has no problem acknowledging their flaws and addressing them. its sad.
I'm not entirely sure Ill
I'm not entirely sure Ill last that long Sally! I think Id need to take up a valium habit
Why don't you just let the
Why don't you just let the birth parents worry about him or not as the case seems to be?
You get along with the kid for now just let it alone.
If he turns on you in the future then just disengage from him. If you have no conflict with the boy then there should be no conflict with the father about the boy.
Here's a link to disengagement in case you need information. Print it out for later use: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I don't know Orange County.
I don't know Orange County. This is my first experience with blending families. I guess I was trying for something better so there wasnt so much inequality between the kids. Maybe thats idealistic. Wont they end up resenting the one kid that gets treated differently? I know I will. Is that really the outcome to shoot for?
Your DH needs to be realistic
Your DH needs to be realistic about SS. Its best to discipline SS now when the problems are "small"
You can't ignore his behavioural issues. If you do, the prison guards will have a good time teaching him right from wrong.
I take a different
I take a different perspective. I am an equity partner in life with my wife and that makes us both equity parents to any kids in our home regardless of kid biology.
As an equity parent I discipline and parent as I see fit and if my bride has an issue with how I do that she can step up and get it done before I have to or she can bite her tongue until we can discuss it offline. The same applies to me.
So, if your DH is failing to parent his 7yo spawn then you do it. If he has a problem with that he can step up and get it done before you have to or he can STFU.
His choice.
Good luck.
Thanks Rags. I've tried that
Thanks Rags. I've tried that approach but unfortunately my DH cuts me down in front of SS7. He has admitted that even thoough he agrees with me, his innate response is to defend SS7. Honestly, undermining me has done more harm to our marriage than anything else. i'm beginning to think the only equity partners in this family are DH and SS7.
Oops, In that case it is time
Oops,
In that case it is time to protect yourself and your children from DH, his toxic parenting, and his toxic spawn. Change the locks and move on with your life.
I could not stay in a relationship like the one you describe with your DH. That is not an equity life partnership and he is not someone I would want having unfettered access to my children even if they are his too.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck.
I have the same issue you are
I have the same issue you are having Oops...only my SS is now 14 and it hasn't stopped...it's only gotten worse. I have heard those same excuses almost word for word...regarding THAT kid...none of the others...JUST THAT ONE. I have stepped in and disciplined, because I too wanted the equity in life and the whole something better than just getting by. My DH does the same and is confrontational in front of the kid and defends him. His mom messes with his head, he has a hard time talking and bottles everything up, he's a sensitive kid, he doesn't know how to deal with the issue...blah blah blah. So I know exactly where you are coming from. Unfortunately, SS has crossed a line in my home now and DH and I are very much at odds...and due to the resentment and the hurt from all the previous issues with SS and the fact that even NOW with this horrible issue and DH STILL defending him, our marriage is very very unstable at the moment. I tried to get DH to put SS in counseling for the last two and a half years...this time...he went to counseling or he NEVER came into our home again. DH and I are also going...to try and work out how to be "a team". Right now...in the last week we agreed in counseling that each of us disciplines our OWN children, but that the consequences need to be the same for everyone. Just yesterday, SS put his hands on one of the other kids, and the three boys were arguing...I walked in and stopped the conflict...pulled my son upstairs... told SSs to go upstairs and walked out in the garage where DH was tinkering with one of the kids' bikes and told him he needed to go and deal with his sons...they were in the LR and I was dealing with my son in his bedroom. What happened he asked? I said talk to your sons and let them tell you. He did it...but it was a new thing for him to have to...and he's had to for the last week...yes it feels a little divided in our house and DH and I still have a LOT of things to work out to save our marriage...if it even can be...but I guess my point is...START NOW with this kid...because it will only get worse and he will only get wiser to dad saving him and will pit you against each other to see whose side dad will take...I feel for you...good luck!
Don't necessarily listen too
Don't necessarily listen too closely to those who's only solution is divorce.
You have one problem, solve it. From your response to my comment I understand that you have high expectations of being a step mother. A common feeling and often as not rejected by the dynamics of a step family. First do as I said in my first comment.
When your kids get to an age where they're noticing that the now 7yo seems to get away with everything explain to them in age appropriate language that sometimes a parent will lost sight of their primary responsibility - to raise an adult. Further tell them that you are going to make sure that they don't enter adulthood unprepared for what is to come. Tell them they are lucky to have a parent that wants to make sure they can take care of themselves.
Of course long before that they will have been explained the different parental parings for their adult sister and the older brother. Confusing at best they need to know that they are a special set in that they will be brought up properly and prepared to become a participating citizen when they are all grown up.
Needhelpbmof3smof2 - can I
Needhelpbmof3smof2 - can I ask what guidance your counselor gave you? I have been lost which is why I am here. I really want to get peoples feedback, digest it and work out where to go from here. Whether that be trying to help DH, leaving or just accepting that this is my lot in life.
Abso-frickin-lutely! Well
Abso-frickin-lutely! Well said.
My husband tends to do the
My husband tends to do the same thing with SD12. I've heard every excuse in the book from, "She's been raised by a bunch of whores," to "She has issues with authority just like I did..." If I push the issue I get, "But she's getting better, isn't she?" to "She said she was sorryyyy..."
So here's what I've done. I've stopped taking it to DH as much as I possibly can and I myself make the entitled brat pay for her actions. I have learned to be the queen of natural consequences. Ate all the popcorn in one day? Guess you're gonna be out for awhile... like 20 years or so. Threw a fit because I wouldn't let you buy that low cut blouse that showed your boobs? Daddyyyy is required to take you shopping for clothes from now on. You can go with my DD and me, but we ain't buying you anything cause Daddyyyy is not there. (This is after I had a poor-pitiful-me discussion with DH about how hard it was on me to be in the position of having to decide what she buys to wear, risk having him or BM disapprove of it, and having to argue with her over it... I was totally the victim that afternoon. It was great...)
See what I mean? There is more than one way to skin a cat. (Not that I'd ever skin a cat. I'd rather skin a SD)