I am trying to put myself in your position, and found out my SO had slept with his ex a month after we met. I am sure I'd initally feel just as you do, hurt and upset.

But then I think if I were you, I would try to put it all in perspective and compare it to what a remarkable life you have together.

For whatever reason, the two of them had a quickie. And that's really all it probably amounted to. I'm sure it wasn't a passionate romantic experience. If she's a bit nutty, then who knows what she may have done to possibly lead him on - of course, make no mistake, he is certainly accountable for his actions equally.

Not to stereotype but you know how men can be - if it's offered up to them, then sometimes they are tempted to just jump on in.

Look at it this way. He had met you but you weren't exactly committed. I'll bet she dangled it in front of him, and who knows - maybe he was wishing/fantasizing it was you the whole time! When it was over, he may have looked at her as nothing more than a temporary relief station. He probably didn't think about its effects on you, because this wasn't some "new" woman - it was the same old, same old he had done plenty of times before.

In my mind, I would try to categorize this as an unfortunate case of "bumping uglies" a long time ago. Give it some time and I'm sure you can reach that place.

I do think that the family members spreading the word about this need to shut up. In the meantime, I would act nonchalant if someone brings it up to you. I am sure the ex brought it up just to get a reaction. Don't rise to the bait. In fact, if someone confronts you about it, just say, "Oh yeah, I know they had a quickie once after DH and I first met. How pathetic of her to try and meddle in our relationship. See how well that worked for her - here we are 14 years later!"

Then go on about your happy life with your love - don't let this unfortunate instance taint your future together. As they say, living well is the best revenge! Best of luck ...

Yes it hurts because the life you lives is now tainted and not quite the way you saw it.

This is his dirty little secret and he has had to carry the burden of the stupid deed for 14 yrs.No he didn't tell you and he had to know how much this would hurt you.

BUT ... this was 14 yrs ago and you had only JUST started dating. No commitment. No sex. No promises. Only the thought that if this 'thing' stays the course your life will be pretty fantastic. And now this crazy chick shows up.

Just relegate her to the past. And as 2tired4drama says, dismiss it "Oh yes. I know all about it. It was such a long time ago and we weren't engaged or exclusive or anything. But look at us now! 12 years married, a great family. What more could I want?"

We all have secrets that may or may not destroy our partners. And tell your kids everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect and blameless in life. But neither of you has strayed once you were committed to each other.

it'll be hard but try to let it go. you're otherwise happy and in a great relationship and this happened 14 years ago. bm is a trouble maker. don't know why anyone would ever admit to cheating 14 years prior, it only hurts the woman he loves now. so I think he's a selfish coward for revealing this to you now, but also think it's long passed. and I suppose technically you'd only been dating a few weeks and technically they were still married... not that it makes it better but he's a guy, dating someone new who isn't ready to be physical yet, and his wife, skanky as she may be, offers it up... yuck but it's better than it being someone he met at a bar, or a hooker, right? I don't blame you for feeling sick but I'd let it go. You're too good to let this destroy you. Play along like you always knew about it, if it ever comes up, though I can't imagine any circumstance where a child would mention this at all. it's too bad dh didn't HANDLE this when he heard about it and spare you all this heartache.

Betrayal by a loved one is difficult to deal with regardless of the circumstances.

As for your DH hooking up with his X while they were still legally still married (you indicated that they were separated), this is not an unusual thing. My own adulterous XW wanted to date me after we divorced. In fact she had a big plan for me to stay with her when I was in town on business and wanted to be lovers. We did hook up a few times while we were separated and in the early stages of divorce on her initiative but once the proceedings progressed and she finally bailed I had no interest in that crap. I had been married to her and had no interest in dating her or sleeping with her after her crazy crap during our 2.5 year marriage. She is the one that asked for the divorce. I told her to go file the second time she played that card. The first time was 8mos earlier. I found us a marriage counselor and busted my ass to save the marriage. By the second time I was done.

Her character flaws not withstanding, my XW was a beautiful, intelligent and dynamic young woman when we met, dated, were engaged and married. If she had not had the insane character flaws that were exposed after we married I would have remained happily married to her. Just as my DW would have remained happy with my SS's Sperm Idiot if he had not been a worthless POS toothless moron progeny of the Sperm Clan.

When I met my amazing bride of nearly 20 years I was dating three other also very beautiful and amazing young women. For a few weeks I kept seeing the other three. I see nothing wrong with dating more than one person until a relationship reaches a stage of mutual exclusivity.

My DW knew I was dating other women, she was dating other men. But when we broached the topic of exclusivity we both stopped and that was that. Neither of us holds the pre exclusivity BFs and GFs against the other. Why would we? Those experiences are part of what makes us each who we are and the dedicated partners that we are to each other.

I think it is important to keep in mind that an X is someone that a partner once was attracted to or in love with. There can be some recycling of those feelings during the break up/divorce stages.

Your DH's betrayal is ancient history. Apparently it was 14ish+ years ago and you were not yet married. Though I understand your feelings of betrayal I would caution you about letting ancient premarital history jeopardize your otherwise strong marriage and family.

Keep in mind that all BM has of your DH is his past. His distant past. You have the past 14 years, his today and his tomorrow. You and DH are partners. BM is a long past mistake that can only raise her head and disrupt your great life, family and marriage if you let her. Don't!

IMHO of course.

Take care of yourself.

Why is BM bringing it up now? could it be because you guys are happy and essentially starting fresh as a family with your son, and she wants to interfere with that? don't give her this power over you. 14 years is an incredibly long time. I imagine that you've been through so much during that time together. one thing about your relationships (the very beginning) is different than you thought, that stings and must feel awful. but it doesn't change the rest of the 14 years you've had together.

I don't blame your DH for not telling you, it would have been better if you didn't know. (aside from the fact that it was a secret between him and BM)it was the beginning of your relationship and he made a mistake. I found out that DH was a bit of a man whore when we started dating, he saw some low rate women too. In my situation, DH and I had sex before the exclusivity talk, right around that time he had sex with another woman, AFTER having sex with me!!! He didn't do anything wrong but it hurt to discover that, it made me feel like our sexual relationship was less... special. But who was I kidding we had sex on the third date, it wasn't like we had a sacred sexual relationship early on! It stung to think of him with someone else while we were starting out (and trust me to think of him with BM would be 1,000,000 times worse, I understand why this disturbs you)... but it is wasted energy to think about it or attach meaning to it, like Rags said, dating and commitment are different. Men who aren't committed are driven by sex. It doesn't mean anything about how interested he was in you or where he hoped things would go with you. He had no idea that he would later marry you and start a family with you! So my DH slept with a skank after we met, which makes it not totally a fairy tale beginning, but the rest of our courtship was pretty magical nonetheless. AND DH has spent YEARS loving me and committed to me. The same goes for you and your DH.

let it go. don't let this destroy the accomplishments and joy you guys have. don't let it instill doubt and fear into your heart. Trust me, LET IT GO!!!