I can relate a little to how you feel. I have two kids from a previous marriage so I'm sure that's a buffer but I still feel the angst of not having any with my DH. It won't happen because of health reasons so we'll not experience that kind of unity he did with his ex or I did with my ex....but what a beautiful baby we would create.

You said you guys are planning to have your own children. Don't fret. Its not the fairytale life you dreamed of but I'm sure you'll make your own into something wonderful.

We're brought up with the fairy tale, and it takes some adjusting when life doesn't turn out like that. These are perfectly normal emotions to have - there's no other situation where it would be acceptable for someone to give money to and have so much contact with an ex, so the fact that you get on well with BM is to be commended. I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on a part of OH because she's had a child with him & I haven't - there's a huge chunk of important stuff there that I've no place in, and the skid is a constant reminder of that.

I have 2 kids from a previous marriage (BS14, BD9) and my husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage (SS13, SD9). He is in his 40s and I will be there in just another month. Because our girls are 9 years old, it would be like we were starting over again. So, we both made the decision not to have a child together. We can wait for grandchildren. That doesn't mean that I don't occasionally feel the pain of not having a child with this wonderful, beautiful man. AND even though I had two great kids with my ex, I still feel jealous that his undeserving beast of an ex-wife gave him the children he loves so much. I wish so much that it had been me instead and that I could share in the bond that they have. When I see pictures of him and his kids when they were very small, it tears me apart inside. Seems unfair to feel that way, but it is what it is.

What you feel is completely normal.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

It's great that you and your partner are able to talk about things like that. Some men wouldn't be understanding that you feel cheated in any way by your relationship. I understand how you feel. DH and I are trying right now and as excited as I know he would be, I know there are still going to be moments that are special for me because its my first child that are just going to be less special for him. He's gone through those magical firsts already with someone else. The feelings you are having are normal. You can't let his having kids stop you from living your dreams. I would suggest just trying not to think about that aspect of your relationship, so you can every moment having a child together.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

I feel cheated too, both with getting married and having a baby. Like there's this bond that he's always going to have with her and will never have with me. I actually had a complete meltdown the other night (psycho, not crying!) when I was looking for night light bulbs bc SD's burned out. I was in the basement looking through plastic bins and found "the picture bin". Gazillions of old photos that I know BF hasn't looked at in years but I still flipped a nugget when I found a bunch of pictures of the two of them looking happy. How he ever could have been happy with that psychopath I'll never understand but it was very upsetting. Especially since he's told me repeatedly that everything was thrown out. I took a bunch of the pictures upstairs, threw them in his lap and went to bed. The next morning we talked and he said he understands how I feel, that he knows I'm probably wondering if he still has feelings for her bc the pictures were still in the house, and completely reassured me about everything. I told him that I think it's total bullshit that everything that I want with him (married, baby, etc), I don't get because she was lucky enough to have it and screwed it all up by being a whore, which in turn has made him question his judgement every step of the way. I also told him that he'll never understand how I feel about having to live in her house with her stuff and her memories, waking up in her bedroom every day. She may not live there anymore and we can put 10 coats of paint on the walls but it'll always be hers. He doesn't want to live there either but we don't really have a choice & I get that but I really still feel like I've gotten the shortest end of the stick possible. Pity party over

I felt that way, too, at the beginning. I do think it's quite normal to have jealousies/insecurities about the life he had before you, especially because we tend to imagine that their having kids together was this beautiful movie moment. But as someone else said above, their having had kids together doesn't mask the problems they had.

In my case, these feelings went away with time. I'm sure it helps that I've never been someone who's desperate to have kids, so eventually I realized that my feelings about not having had them with my DH were mostly not about really WANTING kids with him, but about the kids being a physical manifestation that she was there first. As time has gone by, we have been married for about a year and a half, and she feels to both of us like an irritating mosquito-like buzzing, but not much more. And the kids feel like MY stepkids to me -- I have my own relationship with them, so I focus less on hers.

BB

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin