Does all this get easier when you have a child of your own?
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So.. very curious to know does all of this get easier when you have your own child. I have a SS3 and DH and I have talked about getting pregnant and not on BC so if it happens I will be ecstatic. .. but just curious, do the dynamics change? does all of this get easier b/c I will have something else to focus on? Is it a "control" thing for me and once I have my own child I will not feel so not out of control with all of this?
Good question, waiting for
Good question, waiting for some responses on this one. Would like to know how having a baby changed things for others...
I'm wondering the same thing
I'm wondering the same thing as DH and I are planning to get pregnant in a year or two. But from what I'm told it can go one of two way:
Some have said it gets easier because you now focus on your own children and your every waking moment isn't spent stressing over BM and skids or whatever it was that was bothering you. So not like the issue go away but you just care about them less. Other have said it can get more stressful depending on your situation, like sometimes a BM loses it and throws a fit over her ex having a baby with someone else, or the in-laws don't accept a new baby (like if they never wanted your DH to get divorced in the first place), or the skids don't accept the new baby or feel threatened by it.
Again, I haven't yet been in that situation myself so I can't say for certain, but from what I've heard it can be a whole spectrum of responses. I think it just depends on your situation.
Gosh I'm curious about this
Gosh I'm curious about this one too. I feel like a constantly think about and obsess over my SD and worry if she's ok and loath her BM, etc.... I wonder how the dynamics will change when I have a baby of my own. I also wonder if my feelings toward SD will change. RIght now i love her so much and think of her as my daughter... I wonder if those feelings will change at all when i have my own child... hopefully we get some good responses of people who have been in this situation.
I don't know that it gets
I don't know that it gets easier or harder...its just different. DH and I had BD (now almost 2) and there have been pros and cons that I've noted:
Pros:
the skids love their sister, and their sister loves them...that is awesome.
I can understand a little better SOME of the issues regarding skids, BM and DH (ie. as a BM myself, how would I honestly feel about having my kids involved with another mother figure)
I have learned more patience for some of those skid behaviors that used to annoy the crap out of me.
Skids will always be a part of my life because they are my daughter's siblings. So like it or not, I better step up and do the best I can with them (I guess it gives me more motivation on being invested in their success)
Cons:
Skids are raised completely different than how I will raise BD (rules, morals, behaviors etc) and it is a constant irritant that BM's crappy parenting influences skids, which then comes to this house to influence my daughter.
Like it or not BM will have some degree of connection to my daughter (shudder).
My in laws favor the crap out of the skids because they came from "a broken home", and because they have spent a lot more time involved in their life (think trips, money, gifts etc). BD doesn't nearly get that same attention and it pisses me off.
Having BD brought out a very competitive part of me I never knew existed. Its like I'm continually fighting for BD to have her fair share. Fighting to make sure she gets her share of time with DH, I am continually pointing out that skids have another parent in the equation (BM) while BD just has DH and I. DH at first tried to pull the "all kids are equal" (ie we only vacation when skids are home, we save $5000 for each kid for school etc). This in my opinion wasn't fair, and I have (I believe) finally convinced DH that skids have another parent to chip in. So BD deserves vacations regardless of skids schedule, BD deserves 5000 from DH and I, while skids should get 2500 from DH (because their mom can kick in too). This is a huge issue for me.
I didn't like having the experience that my first child was his third. All the novelty and excitement was dulled by his "been there done that". He was excited don't get me wrong, but to this day I wish I could have been on more equal ground.
I hope this helps..
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
catlover, thanks for your
catlover, thanks for your input. I can definitely see the pros and cons. I have always regretted being with someone with a kid b/c hes already been there done that.. i have gotten over it now, but for awhile i was like, dont even give me advice about anything! Let me figure stuff out on my own!! - that is the joy of becoming a first time parent.. so we'll see what happens..
Also, contrary to what DH believes, i do think his parents will favor his first child. like you said, "he comes from a broken home".
And yes, it will kill me for my child to have to be around BM.. not sure how that is going to play out but that is just not fair.
I personally feel that you
I personally feel that you get me more relaxed about the SKids coz in a way you understand more how your partner feels and treats them.
I think its very easy to see all the negative points with other peoples children, whether they live with you or not.
I will say to those that say they love their SKids though, there is no greater love than you have your own.......its different.
In addition to SS16, DH and
In addition to SS16, DH and I have a 6 mo. old together. The dynamics have definitely changed - sometimes better, sometimes worse.
Better: I finally am a mother and love our little boy to no end - he is the light of my life!
Better: When SS and BM are pulling their usual crap, our son gives me something positive to focus on. It also gives me "an excuse" to not actively be engaged in the crap. DH has always wanted me involved - even if he doesn't like what I have to say and sometimes would prefer I kept my opinions to myself about SS and BM because it's "none of my business".
Better: Having our son has also given me more ground in the boundaries. SS is very aggressive and in to drugs, etc. DH thought the solution was to have him live with us, which I did not want because he has been somewhat aggressive with me and makes it known he doesn't like me and he would prefer to have it be just he and his dad again EOW. DH has also been very proficient in being a guilty/disney dad. My marriage would have been over if SS came to live with us. Now that we have baby, there is another son to consider and my DH feels obligated to protect our son from the other one as he is a helpless baby.
Worse: Since the baby, SS and BM have stepped it up a notch always trying to pull at my DH, as well as make sure I know that they both were 1st - 1st wife, 1st son. Big loddy frickin' dah!!!!
Worse: When SS16 is around - he REALLY tries to dominate everything proving daddy loves him more than I or the baby. 16 - and he doesn't realize his father has a big enough heart for all of us?? Thanks BM!
Worse: He acts like a 10 yr old to get more of the attention. Have you ever seen a 6 ft 3 in 16 year old following his father around going "Dad . . . Dad . . Dad. . ." when I'm trying to speak. And everybody is surprised he doesn't have a girlfriend! It's quite embarrassing when we go out in public!